So much for resolving and dissolving
I feel frantic and confused and overwhelmed.
I feel like my desire to trust myself is being tested.
I can’t concentrate on anything.
I am jumping from one thing to another and not finishing anything.
It feels like things are spinning out of control.
I can’t get centered.
I need to be soothed and told that everything will be okay.
I feel like a bad girl.
I feel like when I am hungry, I won’t be giving myself what my body needs because I am a fool who thought she knew what she was doing but obviously doesn’t.
How could I have made SO much progress and then feel like it’s nothing? Maybe I am just imagining that my clothes fit better.
That doctor planted so much doubt in my head!
I hate that. What does that mean about who I am? My character?
It makes me angrier than it should. Why can’t I just let it go? Why does my reaction feel over-blown? Or maybe it’s not, but I am so freaking out of touch that I have no clue??
Or maybe, in my desire to trust myself, I am deluding myself? Looking for a way to get out of doing what’s right for me?
Why is it so threatening to me that this doctor asked me to consider this program and lose 20 pounds?
It makes me realize that it’s damned hard to trust myself. Why is that?
It all seems so complex and so simple at the same time.
Why can’t I just feel angry without all this guilt?
I feel like I’m a bad girl.
I feel like I’m a bad girl.
I feel like I’m a bad girl.
I feel like I’m a bad girl.
I feel like I’m a bad girl.
I feel like I’m a bad girl.
Everyone is looking at me in pity and they are laughing because they can see what I can’t.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear, dear Karen -
1. Breathe.
2. Let go of the guilt. It’s manufactured, the product of conditioning in life that says feelings are bad. They are not bad, they are not good, they just are.
3. This is pointing you somewhere. Go with it. What opportunity is this incident with the doctor giving you?
Pat Barone
“America’s Weight Loss Catalyst”
1. You are not a bad girl
2. You are a GREAT WOMAN who has positively influenced not just myself, but a ton of other women out there. Geneen Roth is Tweeting you! YOU know what is best for yourself, and fake products are not it.
3. Repeat as needed
My chiropractor tried this with my husband and I both. Um, no thanks. Too many supplements and “cleanses”, not enough real food and living. It was one of the reasons we both left, because even though he’s a really good chiropractor, I didn’t like the “sell”.
Listen to yourself, hear what’s underneath the “bad girl” talk, and you’ll know what you need to do to make peace with yourself. If this doc is good enough in all other aspects, then it’s worth your while to talk (write, call, whatever) with him about what you will and will not accept as part of your treatment plan. It’s YOUR body, YOUR soul. Trust them both; they’ve been leading your right to where you need to be.
Lynn…thank you so much. I kinda know what’s under the bad girl talk and already have another post in the works based on what Pat wrote above
What I got most from your post yesterday was that the doctor betrayed your trust – you trusted him to be offering advice to get you healthy in a healthy way, and he pulled the rug out from under you when he talked about this “lose weight fast” scheme/sham. So, maybe you can question why you trusted him in the first place – but I think you already mentioned that he is human too and may have given into pressures, mistakes and his own weaknesses – there’s a reason why the weight loss industry is so huge (and its not because its proven effective, LOL). But, the doctor’s new venture is not a referendum on your own situation, and should not undermine the trust you have in yourself and in your hard-earned, hard-fought healthy approach to being healthy.
Coco…thank you for your ability to cut through to the heart of the matter so quickly and logically. I would say that I wish my brain worked more like yours does, but then I wouldn’t be me. That’s why we have others in our lives…to give us what we ourselves do not have. <3
Hey Karen. Oh, I felt the pain in your words today. Please know that this is a totally normal part of the process. Have you, by chance, read the wonderful book by Tribole and Resch (who both happen to be nutritionists) called Intuitive Eating? I started reading Geneen Roth 2 years ago, and I do so love her, but this book really sealed the deal for me. It’s full of wonderful research that will keep you from doubting your instincts to RUN from that doctor’s advice! And it’s just so practical, so lovely, so gentle. I use it as the basis for my small group coaching experiences where I help women who have truly hit diet bottom. The changes I get to witness are just incredible.
Much, much love to you. Hang in there with yourself.
Thank you Joy…and yes I do know it’s part of the process…that’s why I am doing it here
I’ll definitely check out the book you recommended.
I respect doctors. Obviously you do to. But he hasn’t taken the time to know you inside and out like you have. He doesn’t know every facet of you.
When it comes to taking his advice you can do it your way and still have the outcome he desires. That is not being bad. That is being smart.
Believe me, I say this cautiously because doctors cannot be completely discounted. But when it comes to losing weight there is a cultural/hormonal/gender related boundary that makes it impossible to know exactly what will work for each person. You do what was making you so hopeful and excited. Let him do it his way.
You ARE both okay.
You are so right! And I do not discount the benefits to getting my cholesterol in the right place and to losing fat…at all!
LOL, Karen, I bet our brains work more alike than you think. Its much easier for me to comment on other people’s struggles than to turn that reflection on myself.
I’m a little late here, and I suspect you are already feeling much better on this matter, but I wanted to share from another book I’ve been reading. A friend sent it to me, he thought it would help me, and so far, he’s right
It’s the Tao of Pooh
So here’s the discussion this situation reminded me of…
“Sometimes the knowledge of the scholar is a bit hard to understand because it doesn’t seem to match up with our own experience of things. In other words, knowledge and experience do not necessarily speak the same language…in other words, you might say that there is more to knowing than just being correct….Now, scholars can be very useful and necessary, they provide a lot of information. It’s just that there is Something More, and that Something More is what life is really about.”
We’re taught to trust the professionals because of their knowledge, but as someone else mentioned, their knowledge is not complete – they don’t have your experiences combined with YOUR knowledge, and in some cases their knowledge may be correct but may not be complete, may be limited based on little to no experience. In this case, your experience and his knowledge are not speaking the same language. Nothing inherently wrong with what he is suggesting, and definitely nothing wrong with what you are thinking/feeling/saying…in this case there is very much “Something More,” and you do know that that is what it’s really about
Unfortunately, what the book doesn’t do (at least, so far), is suggest a way to marry the two
But I suspect you’ll find a way in this case, even if you don’t feel like the first try was successful. Believe in you Karen, you *can* trust you.
How thoughtful Cooth! And it exemplifies both/and thinking and not either/or thinking. Definitely something to think about…
Why will no one invent a blog that allows comments to be edited by the commenter?
Hahah oh well 
I edited it for you
“know” to “no” right?
Heh..yup
Thx!