How fitting that today we celebrate the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., who had a thing or two to say about the power of love:
”I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”
and
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
____________________
Karen from Waisting Time and Amalfi Girl from Eat Run Have Fun have given me an award: The Stylish Blogger! How about that? I am honored…and relieved, because to be honest, I haven’t known what to write about lately*. And being given this award will help me do something that I don’t often do: promoting others’ blogs.
The Terms of Acceptance of the Award:
- Post and link back to the person(s) who gave you this award;
- Share seven things about yourself;
- Pay it forward and give the award to some of your favorite bloggers;
- Contact these bloggers and tell them they’ve won!
Seven things about me:
- I’m going to be a grandmother without ever having been a mother! My stepdaughter and her husband are due April 1
- I won a dance contest at a club in the Bahamas. I was wearing a leather mini skirt and fishnet stockings. Oh the 80s!
- I met my husband online in the “old days” of the Internet (1994). I placed a personal ad on AOL’s Romance Connection and his was one of ~250 responses I got.
- Up until a couple of years ago I didn’t believe in God. I do now, but have no denomination or religion. To me God = positive energy.
- I love to play Scrabble (especially on Facebook) and am quite competitive.
- I prefer summer. I used to like having four seasons, but honestly? If it never got below 60 degrees again I’d be happy.
- I can finally say this: “I’ve written a book and it’s in the process of getting published!”
And now, to pass this along. Here is a list of blogs that inform, nourish, inspire, awe, and humor me:
*So yeah, I’ve been feeling rather…blank. Nothing excites or interests me. It’s probably winter and hormones and my father’s death.
Although I know it’s temporary, it’s also rather disconcerting.
It’s probably a good thing because there’s been a lot to feel in the past few weeks and so feeling “nothing” is kind of a relief.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about the expectations that people have when someone dies…the expectation that you’ll feel devastated and unimaginable grief.
I haven’t felt that. I have felt a sadness I’ve never quite experienced before. I’ve cried like a little girl. A lot. But so far there hasn’t been an overwhelming sense of grief that I can’t handle. Maybe it hasn’t sunk in completely? Or maybe I know it’s all going to be okay because that’s what he always taught me?
I’m not complaining. In fact, I am grateful.
And then there’s the whole aspect of food and weight and my body, which have always been at the front and center of my brain but are just not any more. And I just bought jeans in a smaller size.
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey!
That’s me on that list.
Awwwww shucks!
That’s awesome.
Thanks Karen.
I think that grief is when we can’t imagine our lives without someone. When we get into a place where we actually do have our lives without anyone else in it…then we can move through it a lot more easily, when people whom we placed in it, leave. Perhaps it’s a testament to finding that core in all of us, that ebs and flows but doesn’t crash and burn anymore. That doesn’t mean that the experience isn’t void of emotion, it just means that the emotions or felt, dealt with and aren’t life-consuming-devestating.
Very well put Mich!
I can’t believe this, the commonality continues: I met my hubby on the internet! (Match.com to be exact). :)
How long have you been married?
Karen, your words about your sadness/grief really touched me. I am so thankful you’ve let us all in on what this process has been like for you.
And THANK YOU for including me on your list! What a totally awesome honor! MWAH!
I guess it’s just what I do Joy…thanks :-)
Karen, if the roller coaster of emotions I felt while reading your post (wanted to hug you, laughing with you, celebrating with you) is anything like what you are going through, its no wonder you’re feeling “blank.” So, ((hugs)) and :-D
Thanks Coco…yeah, it’s like I go from blank to feeling something, then blank again.
WOW..I am honored to be on that list of such AWESOME company! Yes..the grief…For me, I think that it is from having that “positive energy” belief that helps to deal with *grief*… xoxo
It certainly helps Jules!
Karen,
Grief is unexplainable, and different in everyway. The grief I felt after losing my mother was so different when I lost my Dad four years later. Even though I was devasted that they were both gone from my life, I then experience a wierd kind of peace from within. All I know that it after losing special people in your life- your life is forever changed.
Maybe that’s it…the seemingly conflicting emotions that we feel at the same time! The peace, the sadness, the happiness, the anger. It’s all there pretty much at the same time!
I think your experience is proof that while loss is a universal experience, the way we feel about it is not. Perhaps the unimaginable grief we always hear about will eventually reach you. But perhaps it won’t. Like you said, deep down you know it will be ok, which is a lesson directly from your dad. I’m just glad to see that you’re not judging yourself based on what you do and do not feel, and are allowing your feelings to exist and evolve however they are naturally meant to.
Yeah…I hadn’t realized that Katie…that I wasn’t judging my emotions as either good or bad. They just are. Yay me! :-)
I think that there are many responses to loss in our lives. When I first lost my dad, I though “aha, now I will know what to say to someone else who suffers a loss.” Wrong.
I enjoyed learning more about you. My husband got me a game for Christmas called Snatch-it. My boys even liked it, but maybe because they kicked butt. You should check it out if you like scrabble.
Okay, you’re going to laugh when I say this: when I lost my Dad I felt as if something had loosened in me and that I would be much more able to comfort someone else who had experienced a loss. Until now, death has been something I’ve been afraid to acknowledge to others who experienced the death of someone they loved. And having people reach out to me, no matter what they say, showed me that it’s okay to reach out to others.
Snatch-it?? It sounds like something I do with my kettlebells ;-)
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on grief, Karen. Ever since I lost my brother, I have a totally different world view of it. I did have that overwhelming earth shattering sensation and I pushed it down for a long, long time. Now, over six years later, it still comes in waves and I still have a lot to work through about it. But, just like any other emotion, we have to work through them in our own way. No one way is right or wrong and I am so glad that you have this peace.
Hugs, Christie. I have faith that you will work it through.
Karen, thank you so much for this award! :) It means a lot. And congrats on your award!!
I can totally relate to your feelings of grief. I had many expectations of how I should be feeling when my dad passed away. Recently, I’ve interviewed several grief experts for Psych Central articles and found out that there are no set stages, no set way that you’re supposed to feel.
Grief is different for everyone – and many people feel pressure to grieve a certain way, but it doesn’t need to be like that. We do the best that we can and feel what we feel. And that is perfectly OK.
Thanks Margarita…it’s funny because everything you just wrote I agree with…and have said similar things in the past. But until now I’ve never *experienced* it myself. I think more than anything, I find my own reactions interesting…as if I am viewing them from outside myself.
I think one of the things about grief is all the ideas we have about what it’s supposed to feel like based on what we’ve seen or been told. I think for a lot of us it’s really hard to sort through all of that “supposed to” to stuff to get into the “how does it actually feel” part.
One of the parts that been so amazing about you sharing this experience with us is just how much you’re allowing what is to be present. Maybe that has something to do with why you’re not feeling as “devastated” or the “unimaginable grief” part, because you’re not trying to manipulate or turn what is into something else (which I think adds a lot of hurt).
Regardless, your courage is beautiful.
I love the your observations Melissa. I have a tendency to get caught up in the “supposed to.”
Great list!!! I am not really a God believer but just an “energy” believer even though I say I am Jewish & am…. My dad, now gone like yours, always used to say: “I talk to HER every Wednesday”. He meant HER as whatever God is to each individual person…. my parents were so OPEN! I loved that it was a HER too! We put that saying on his grave marker & I still live by it!
As for the feelings…. I was doing my normal stuff but honestly, I don’t think I woke up from his death for 2-3 years….. he was the first parent to go.
I think we all have to allow ourselves to feel & heal in the way best for us….. HUGS!
Thanks for sharing Jody…it’s funny because there are traditions, songs, passages, and beliefs from many different religions that I get comfort from. Sometimes I think I identify more with Judaism and Buddhism more than any other.
I had to laugh just a little. The list of blogs you passed the award to looks just like the list of blogs in my Google Reader…absent a few others. Looks like we’re reading the same stuff. It’s definitely good stuff.
It’s definitely good stuff!
Oh Karen, thank you so very, very much for this award – it was such a nice surprise to come home to. I know that things are hard right now, but please always remember that you have built up such a fantastic and loving support system for yourself and don’t hesitate to reach out. I constantly admire your bravery and strength, and am here if you need anything. Xoxoxox
Thanks Mara!
Wow! Karen, Congratulations on your award! And THANK YOU for including me in your list of favourite bloggers. I’m truly honored! You know, of course, that the feeling is mutual, right?
And, ditto for the love of Scrabble :)
I do know, thanks :-)
Hi Karen,
I’ve been reading your blog for some time – as a matter of fact, I think I’ve read the whole thing and truly appreciate your openness and honesty. Now that I’m caught up, I’ll enjoy getting your posts through the feed and keeping up as you post.
Thanks for the time and thought you put into your writing! Sorry about the loss of your dad. My sweet FIL died last August and this was our first experience with the death of an immediate family member, so I understand your pain and wish the best for you as you work through the grief process. Lots of advice and “processes” out there, but do it in the way that works for you!
Thank you so much! Yeah, I now see that grief is such an individual thing. My condolences of the loss of your FIL!
I know (think?) I asked you this—but can not recall your response.
have you checked out CS Lewis’ book on grief?
No I haven’t…I didn’t know he’d written one!
Beautiful post, Karen. And congrats on this award and any award – you deserve them all.
Was glad to learn some new things about you and love the bit about the smaller jean size at the end! Woo-Hoo!!