Last weekend I attended the third of four Total Unfinished Woman retreats. Based on the work of Joan Anderson, these events were created by my friend Ann Irr Dagle as a way for women to come together to Retreat, Retrieve, Repair, Regroup, Regenerate, and Return.
At one point, Ann read us “the butterfly story.” I am not sure where it came from originally, and I found several versions online. I will recount it here in my own words:
One day, a man discovered a butterfly chrysalis with a small opening in it. He sat and watched for several hours as the butterfly struggled to force its body through that tiny opening.
And then the butterfly was still. It did not appear to be making any progress. The man thought that it had gotten as far as it could, and it would not be able to go any further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly. With a pair of scissors, he cut open the chrysalis and the butterfly emerged.
Its body was swollen and its wings were tiny and shriveled.
The man continued to watch, expecting that at any moment, the butterfly’s wings would open, enlarge and expand, and its body would shrink.
It never happened! The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.
Although his intentions were good, what the man did not understand is that the small opening in chrysalis, along with the butterfly’s struggle to get through it, were designed to force fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings, so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the chrysalis.
So yeah, I get it. I’ve changed my mind. Struggle is good*. Vitally good! I value struggle. I welcome it. On some level, I think I have always felt this way, but three things stopped me from understanding it:
I was struggling for something I didn’t want, but thought I should.
OR
I didn’t know what I was struggling for.
OR
I didn’t know what my struggle style was (more to come on this in a later post).
But here’s the thing: my gut knew. And so every time I set a goal or strived for something that wasn’t inline with my instinct (I’ve done that way too much my life), my body went into resistance mode. And being resistant was not good for my body/mind/spirit. Resistance made me fat and unhappy and unfulfilled.
*I maintain my assertion that if you tend to be someone who views everything as a struggle – with a “life is hard” attitude – that’s exactly what you’ll get.
Have you ever changed your mind about something you thought you’d never budge on? Are you willing to struggle for something if you know it’s what will allow you to fly? What are you not willing to struggle for? Do you ignore your body/mind/spirit when it goes into resistance mode?
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
This was my spiritual path! I was never going to fit into a box and ran from it all, but from my previous post I definitely am seeing the value and the journey. I also thought I would NEVER run. I just refused and thought I couldnt. So done thinking I know everything on my journey. I am grateful for the journey now and saying some things I dont know and that is ok. :) I think it was after the first year in recovery that I feel strongly that the struggle is something I am grateful for. It is a lesson I try to share with others. Hard lesson. Great post.
“The struggle is something I am grateful for.” YES!! I am now so very grateful that I regained weight because it’s what gave me my voice! And it was SUCH a struggle. I am thrilled that you are running and loving it!
Karen, this is another great writing. I recall this conversation well last weekend. Your article has caused me to pause and think about my struggles. While I struggle often, as one does, one struggle that I strongly recall happened over twenty years ago when my children were younger and I was considering attending a three-year spirituality program in Narragansett, RI. The program was one evening a week and about four retreat weekends a year. I was working full-time, and I struggled with taking this time for myself. I prayed about it, talked myself out of it, discussed with friends and my husband about it and still struggled. It’s amazing to me when I struggle with something how when I take the time, affirmations come along. The final affirmation for me was a dream I had where my youngest son game me a gift and said “mom, you need this for you”. Wow, that was it. I went to the program and was one of the best things I’ve ever done.
As a young wife and mother, I struggled with doing things for me. Someone asked me once what do I need. I didn’t even know I had needs! It took struggle through the years to come to the realization that doing things for me helps everyone in the long run. I come away rested, re-energized, happy, and ready to take on the world again.
I’m fortunate that I have a husband who was extremely supportive, taking over on the nights I attended the program and weekends I was away. Thanks for the chance to pause and think about this and again recognize that struggle is necessary and brings one to a newer level of understanding of how strong we are.
What a great story Ellen! And it just goes to show that our families are better off overall when we take the time for ourselves! You know the expression…when Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!
Oh my goodness, YES, I’ve changed my mind on so many things in my short 32 years that I’ve learned to never say never. I’m sure ten years down the road I’ll be shocked at some of the things I believe so fiercely right now. And I’m totally cool with that.
As for the struggle thing, I totally hear what you’re saying and I definitely think it’s all about the language and our concept of “struggle.” For me, right at this moment in my understanding, I prefer to differentiate struggle from effort. Effort is good. Super important. Vital. Struggle? I’m not convinced I need it. The best things I’ve accomplished in my life thus far have come with great effort but minimal (or zero) struggle. Might not always be that way, of course. I’m open to seeing it differently at some point.
Joy, I think part of seeing struggle as good thing is when it’s in hindsight. A good example for me is when I regained half the weight I had lost…THAT was a struggle for me. In the moment I did not like it or welcome it. But in hindsight, I see that it was one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given. I think I’d even say that it was that struggle that allowed me to finally fly! And so it gives me a different perspective on how I might view struggle in the future. Make sense?
Oh absolutely that makes sense. This is one of the major things I do with my clients. Martha Beck has a wonderful tool called “Telling Your Story Backwards” where you look at something that you think of as your worst life experience and retell it as the best thing that ever happened to you. It’s powerful and it works every time, I swear! I know that my struggles with my weight, with depression, with family issues were all part of my growth and have made me who I am today. I don’t regret any of it.
But that doesn’t mean I’m going to conciously choose struggle now. You know, there’s that view that everything has to be hard in order for us to be “doing right”. For exampe, I don’t think running my business has to be hard or a struggle. I believe I can choose ease and flow. Same with exercise. I can condition my body and expend great effort in my Nia classes without it feeling painful and struggle-y.
It’s a fine line, isn’t it? To honor the inevitable struggles of life that are often our greatest teachers, but to trust that we don’t have so suffer and be miserable going forward?
Oh…don’t get me wrong…I am not about to choose struggle either!! At my core is the belief that what comes easily to me is valuable to others. :-)
Oh Karen- you are so right, what one person sees as a struggle, another may not even realize. In the end it are the choices we make and how we decide to act on them, that deternines the if the struggle is real.
Excellent point Ann!
An amazing post & lots of learning in this post! Yes, I have had struggles, still do….
But yes, I have changed my mind about something I thought I would never budge on?
Are you willing to struggle for something if you know it’s what will allow you to fly? I have & I did not always fly but I keep trying….
Do you ignore your body/mind/spirit when it goes into resistance mode? Sometimes unfortunately..
Great post & needed to read this!
Thanks Jody! I like what you said about how certain struggle did not result in being able to fly…and that sort of plays into listening to your instinct in regards to struggle…is it the right struggle or the wrong one?
There are many things I’ve worked hard for without feeling like I’ve struggled, but some of my struggles have been necessary and worthwhle too.
It would be interesting to write about the difference between working hard and struggling…
I have also changed my mind about something, even recently. I just call it growth!
I agree that the words we use are vitally important and I have become very aware of mine. It definitely makes a difference. For instance, the word “struggle” is a bit of a loaded word for South Africans, so it’s not one I like using. “Challenge” is good though, and it is in times that we are challenged that we come to appreciate and develop our strength. I often shake my head at people who indulge every whim of their children – in most cases they are simply not setting them up for success.
You bring up an interesting point Hanlie…that certain words are culturally not appropriate.
I agree struggle is good; I think it’s a sign of progress, a moving forward on our personal path.
And this post brings tears to my eyes today because I’m in the midst of perhaps changing my mind about something. The issue I must explore deeply is whether I’m changing my mind because I’m wanting to align myself more with my gifts and talents or because I’m seeking an easier path. And I might also be able to do both at the same time by simply adjusting my sails a bit rather than jumping ship.
Michele, I hope that whatever you decide, you are at peace with your decision. As my husband would say (and I have learned to be patient in this way myself): let it set a spell…
I first heard this story several weeks ago while at my therapist’s office. She was referring to my desire to want to help my mother in any way possible since her accident (even if I suffered as a result). She recited the butterfly story and it helped me to see that by doing everything for my mother isn’t the best way to help her. She must struggle at times so that she can learn to take care of herself. Then and only then will she get back a sense of independence. Even though I’d be helping her out of love, I’d be hindering her progress if I did too much.
I wouldn’t have ‘gotten this’ if I hadn’t heard this story. It really put things into perspective and I have a new sense of respect for the word ‘struggle’. A very timely post, Karen. Thank you.
I always try to remember that everyone’s “best” and “worst” life experience/fat day/etc. are subjective. it helps me from punching the skinny chick at work in the throat.