This post is dedicated to my Dad, who’s birthday is today. He’s been gone for exactly three months. He and I shared this anxiety thing.
Dealing with anxiety feels familiar. It reminds me of how I felt when I weighed ~225 pounds and I used to think, “some day I’ll lose weight.” Up until very recently, I’ve been resisting helping myself, I’ve been overwhelmed with information and options, I haven’t wanted to think about it, and I’ve been looking for a quick fix.
A couple of weeks ago I walked in to my therapist’s office and said, “I’m ready for drugs.” I’d had some panic-filled days and decided I couldn’t take it any more. I wanted something that would take the edge off, and fast. She suggested that I make an appointment with an APRN who has a behavioral health practice in the same building.
In the meantime, she gave me a book called The Mindful Way Through Anxiety.
And in the meantime I started listening to a hypnosis CD I bought months ago (and had forgotten about) called “Letting Go Of Anxiety.”
And in the meantime I saw my naturopath who gave me a homeopathic remedy and strongly urged me NOT to take prescription anxiety medications, saying that they would only mask symptoms, not get at root causes.
And in the meantime, I saw my hormone doctor (not specifically for this issue, but it was time for a check-up) who agreed with my naturopath (they’re partners) and suggested natural supplements.
And in the meantime I have been tracking my anxiety, giving it a ranking between 1 and 10, where 1 is happy, peaceful and calm, and 10 is an off-the-charts panic attack (in the past month the worst it got was an 8 and it was after that episode that I told my therapist I wanted drugs).
The anxiety follows a specific pattern. It gets worse and worse after I get my period and then tails off when I start my progesterone on day 12. This was no surprise to my hormone doctor.
In the end, I kept my appointment with the APRN who gave me a prescription for Klonopin and who also diagnosed me with having a mild-ish case of ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). Now that I’ve had a few days to think that over, I am not surprised. I could write a whole post (or five) on that subject alone.
Okay, back to the subject at hand…hahahaha.
Out of curiosity, I took half a dose of the Klonopin because I wanted to see how it would feel. I took it before bed because my anxiety tends to be worse at night and slept like a baby. I took the other half the next night and slept okay…not great.
I haven’t taken any since and I am 95% convinced that it’s not what I want or need. But I haven’t had a panic attack, either. So I am still 5% unconvinced that I can “make it through” without taking something.
When it comes (and it’s usually triggered by the same things, worry that someone else is stomach sick or that I am), my heart pounds, I breathe shallowly and I feel terrified. And it feeds on itself. And I have thoughts that I never though I’d ever have. Like, what if I end up being one of those people who’s afraid to leave the house? But that never happens. So far…so far, my anxiety has not stopped me from doing anything.
So right now I am sitting here, having been mostly anxiety-free for a couple of weeks, but knowing that I am approaching that time in my cycle when it’s likely to appear again.
“The fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself.” ~ from The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Sometimes just having the meds in the house can help – knowing you have the option if you need it. Maybe it’s a sense of control, or having options. Whatever the reason, whatever it takes is ok.
Thanks Coco…you’re a comfort to me.
I think knowing that I had the medication helped me too, even if I didn’t have to take them. For me, therapy, using EMDR helped me a lot. Reading about Buddhism and meditation inspired me, helped me understand that it is only thoughts, that I am the one controlling my thoughts, and not the way around. I had and still have to fight hard to think of something else when I feel anxiety growing inside. But mostly, I think you have to do something about it, and it feels like it’s exactly what you are doing! I stumble upon this quote this week, and your post, somehow, made me think about it:
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. Buddha
Good luck on your journey, everyone deserve to find a peace of mind
Thank you for sharing your experience Mylene. I’ve heard of EMDR! And I have to say that the older I get, the more Buddhist I become so I completely agree with you. Mindfulness is a good thing in our lives!
Just a thought. I work in a counseling office with 4 psychiatrists. I always tell my patients that the psychiatrists work with these meds every day all day. I don’t know if your APRN specializes in anxiety meds? if she doesn’t, it may be worth it to check in w/ a psychiatrist or a psychiatric nurse who specializes in these meds. There may be a less strong, scary anti-anxiety med that takes the edge off, but doesn’t feel so Klonopin-like. Just a thought. I am all for taking meds if one is really uncomfortable and if the med can make your day lighter and have you experience more joy.
Thank you Laurie…this APRN works with psychiatrists and specializes in anxiety meds. My other doctor’s main concern is that Klonopin is apparently very difficult to stop taking. I don’t want to take it on a regular basis, I want it when I am having a panic attack.
I do believe that as a society we are hopelessly over-medicated, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t instances where pharmaceuticals can help us. It might take a bit of trial and error though. Good luck!
I agree Hanlie…it’s funny to me how working through this is so very similar to working through weight loss…
Medication helped me a lot, but Benzoes are a tad scary because they are SOOO good at doing what they do.I had a teacher once say that and I totally understood :) klonapin and alcohol were always my favorites. I had one lady in rehab who was addicted to it as well. I then went on mood stabilizers (non addictive) instead with SSRI’s to help me through the day, since I had extreme panic disorder and GAD. I think we have to do what we need to do to help. I am glad you are keeping track of triggers and looking into alternative methods to help anxiety. I truly struggled with benzoes because they worked instantly and taught my brain I could take a pill to have immediate relief, versus teach me a way to get through the. I now use CBT and reframing, breathing, mindfulness and talk to myself about what is actually going on in my brain to help me through panic attack. Making it clinical takes away the overwhelming sense of freaking out! I have this stress and relaxation workbook I really like as well!
Happy Bday to your dad and hugs!
Karen, I missed this one.. sorry. HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think you need to figure out what is best for you.
Thank you Jody…I am working on it! :-)
“When it comes (and it’s usually triggered by the same things, worry that someone else is stomach sick or that I am), my heart pounds, I breathe shallowly and I feel terrified. And it feeds on itself. And I have thoughts that I never though I’d ever have. Like, what if I end up being one of those people who’s afraid to leave the house? But that never happens. So far…so far, my anxiety has not stopped me from doing anything.”
I have struggled with exactly the same anxiety, for many years. It’s really just so comforting to read someone else describe what I’ve been going through! I spent a terrifying 6 months working as a patient transporter in a hospital last year, and still have flashbacks of patients that were vomiting or close to it (which was pretty much all of them!) Meditation has helped me significantly with my anxiety, but it is still a frequent problem. Know that you’re not alone!