“It’s not about you, it’s about them.” ~ Seth Godin
“Nothing others do is because of you.” ~ from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
A while back someone said to me: “It’s all about YOU!” There was a litany of other accusations and a final statement about being concerned about what I had become.
It brought me to my knees…knocked the breath out of me. I cried. Hard. I was confused, sad, and certainly a little defensive. Was this person right? My first inclination was to counter, point by point, each accusation. As I started to do so, I felt an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and “why bother?” I realized that nothing would change as a result. Responding in that way would keep me stuck in a life-long and destructive pattern.
I let it set a spell (thanks Tim) and the next day responded that, based on what had been said, I preferred that this person not contact me. Two days later my father died.
Even though I have asked this person not to be in contact with me, not a day goes by that I don’t think of this person.
The other day Hanlie, who writes Ordinary Abundance (my lessons in having enough and being enough), included the entirety of Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s poem, The Invitation. You can read her post about it here.
These lines jumped out at me: “…I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul…”
And I thought to myself, “yes, I can.”
I thought back to what happened. In hindsight I sense that this person was/is disappointed in me and certainly felt/feels betrayed by me. From my perspective, it’s because I was making an effort to be true to myself and not to betray my own soul.
This blog, and my book, ARE all about me. And that’s okay. That’s as it should be, no? It’s one way in which I practice self-acceptance. It’s about exploring my truth. Not anyone else’s.
I get that some people think this is “selfish” (I use quotes to indicate the commonly accepted negative definition of selfish – greedy and self-serving at the expense of others).
Recently Kendra Sebelius, who writes a blog called A Voice In Recovery and who is an active advocate for anyone struggling with an eating disorder, started a movement that I can get behind: Stop Self Hate.
Her passion for her message, which, on the one hand, is all about her, got me thinking, once again, about how…really…it’s also about all of us. It demonstrates just how powerful and un-“selfish” self-love is.
Because when you hate yourself, it doesn’t just harm you, it harms those around you. I know that first hand. When I actively hated myself, I came close to ruining some of the most important relationships in my life.
When I was in self-hate mode, I:
- tended to be overly critical of others
- was often angry and reactive
- didn’t think before I spoke
- enjoyed gossiping and putting down others
- abused myself with food
Now that I have stopped the self-hate, I am much more accepting of others, I am certainly happier, I tend to let it sit a spell before acting, I try and think more before I speak, and I prefer to help others, not tear them down. Am I always successful? No way.
And so I am trying to fit what happened with this particular person into this paradigm: am I still in self-hate mode as it regards this person? Is this why I haven’t yet been able to heal the relationship? I’m not sure.
One thing I do know for sure..it IS all about me…and it’s about you too.
{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }
The hardest part for this self acceptance thing for me has not been the actual self acceptance. It has been that others in my life are not growing in the same manner. The moment your reader listed their litany of complaints and ended with “it’s all about you” they made it all about them. Without knowing, of course, the complete history and exact statements, it would seem to me that it is your reader is the one in self-hate mode.
Of course your blog and your book are all about you. But in creating these things, you are sharing yourself with us. And I am so incredibly glad that you do.
That can be REALLY hard Kevin…and I think you hit the nail on the head. I wish the person who said these things was just a reader…
Oh yes. Seriously I worry about that too! Like am I writing too many I’s in my post. Should I be writing how to articles, keep the I out of it? But hell this is the story I know. I like to share the ME.
I LOVE how you tie self hate to outward responses – ie anger to others, critical of others, etc. I think we often forget how much our self love or hate radiates and affects those around us.
Kudos to you and your book. Can’t wait to get and read :)
Thanks Kendra…I’ve been wanting to tie in your Stop Self Hate movement ever since I saw your gorgeous self talking about it on your site!
“It’s about exploring my truth. ”
I love that. That’s what it (our life) is mostly about. There’s a universal truth, and then we see how we fit in to all of that.
Yeah…and that universal truth? Can we even know what it is?
I did have someone tell me that I make everything about me, and it did cut me to the quick! But as I thought about it, I could actually see where they might say that. I often relate to people with stories, sharing one of my own in hopes of helping them feel less alone in a difficult experience.
That’s all I know. And it’s okay. I guess. LOL!
I think, as Kevin said, when someone says “it’s all about you” they’ve just made it all about them.
Great post! Very thought-provoking.
I have also found that when I’m not being true to myself, I’m needy and demanding and very resentful, which leads to more self-hatred and self-destructive behavior. It becomes a vicious circle and nobody gets to have any fun.
It HAS to be about us. I’m not discounting the fact that some people are narcissists who obviously take this too far, but for most of us, allowing ourselves to take up our rightful space in life is a process.
Good point re narcissists Hanlie…we’ve been on such a common wavelength lately!!
When you write about the events in your life, it IS all about you…and YOUR truth. And by being authentic, you help others get at their truth. There will always be someone who can’t handle the truth (thank you, Jack Nicholson!), but that’s all about them.
Piggybacking on Hanlie’s observation, many of us, women in particular I think, don’t spend enough time making it all about us…even for a few hours. We are the last people we care for and nurture.
Thanks for this Liz…obviously this is something I will probably be working through for a while…and that’s okay :-) I agree with you and Hanlie…and even when we’re not necessarily nurturing others, we STILL need to have something that is all about us. Until this blog came along, I didn’t have it.
I too have been accused of “selfishness” in the most negative way, so I very much appreciate your insightful take on it. I agree that turning inward is a necessary part of learning self-love and self-acceptance, and that self-kindness and compassion in turn lead to more kindness and compassion for others. Like you always say, it doesn’t have to be an either/or thing; we can be selfish and selfless at the same time, in the same breath, through the same actions.
Well said Katie…thanks.
This week I experienced something very similar. My husband’s mom is very ill. And as she “said her piece” to him, she basically told him that I am too selfish (which I can only guess she has decided from reading my blog about self discovery), questioned whether I am the woman to have his children, and that divorce is not a sin. There is much more to this story – but… I won’t go into it. Needless to say, if I hadn’t been lying down when he told me, I would have been on my knees too. Because it was the exact same as if someone had sucker punched me right in the gut.
I’ve spent two days crying and thinking on this and praying for the ability to forgive her and move on. The truth is, she is dying. And she was trying to protect her baby. I get it – it hurt like hell – but I get it.
And here was the really cool part – even though this attacked almost every single one of my insecurities I have been trying to free myself from – I have mostly felt strength.I allowed myself the right to feel my anger. To feel my hurt. I’ve been able to calmly deal with it (without food), to forgive her in two days time, and to continue to offer comfort and love to my sweet husband – who is losing his mom. This time that I’ve spent being “selfish”the last year and 1/2 has given me the courage to not let what someone else – someone important no less – matter more then what I know about myself.
Thank you for your post! Because she reads my blog I don’t feel it’s appropriate for me to share any of this on there. Your post is exactly what I want to say to her. And to others in similar situations. But I can’t! It brings me tears of joy to know that there are others out there that understand, and that can post what I can’t right now. Thank you! I don’t know who said these things to you. They are wrong. I hope you feel your own strength, and that you know what an incredible honor it is to read your blog and the hope you give so many of us! I too am looking forward to reading your book.
(I welcome visitors to my blog – but I must ask you do not reference what I have shared here. Thank you for respecting that)
“This time that I’ve spent being “selfish” the last year and 1/2 has given me the courage to not let what someone else – someone important no less – matter more then what I know about myself.”
BRAVA Sam!! YES!! As you can imagine, the “someone” in my post is very important too…and I am not sure if this someone is reading or not.
Yes..I am learning that it is about ME! and my question is WHY is that immediately HEARD as wrong or bad. What if we raised our daughters to see that as GOOD..
I heard a long time ago that people come together at a point of pain. As one grows and the other doesn’t it grows apart….I believe this is especially true in ALL our close relationships…if both people are growing…not necessarily at the same pace…just growth…then it will end or separate for awhile!
Thank you for your post..
Thank you for that Jules…you make an important point about growth and how it doesn’t always mesh and happen at the same time.
Thank you for being the “teacher” that you are. It is in your “self” discovery that many people have been inspired. It is in your “self” discovery that you have come to be happy, and insightful. Your friend was projecting on you what she/he wanted for herself/himself. Great blog. Thanks for being who you are.
Thank YOU Ellen!
First, congrats on your book and for moving out of the self hate cycle. Second, it is okay for things to be all about you at times, because if you don’t take care of you, you are of no use to others. I enjoyed your post, and stumbled it!
Thanks Virginia!
So true and so helpful, Karen. I agree that when we are self-destructive, we also destroy those around us. But when we are living our best lives, and being attentive to our own needs, then we are inevitably better to those around us. Really turns the “selfish” thing on its head, which is where it should be!
Be the change and all of that :-)
I appreciate this post, too. And also what Jules said about growth. I’ve discovered that people (I’m thinking of those in my real life) can feel threatened when we try to grow and change and get real honest… we rock the boat, change the status quo.
I might have decided it’s worth it to feel uncomfortable for a bit in order to find my authentic self, and to grow, but some of those in my life aren’t ready for it! And that can make for tension, defensiveness, criticism…
Very thought-provoking post… thanks!
Yeah boat-rocking is not usually well received by others! Thank you Loretta!
I agree wholeheartedly that it’s all about YOU and ME — even though we’re all interdependent (as completely opposed to codependent) as humans, members of specific communities, and so on. In the past few years, I experienced a situation in which my conduct (to preserve my integrity and soul) was perceived as betrayal. But that perception was based on the other person’s darkness at the time. But though I mourn the loss of a friendship, I revel in the acquisition of my Self… something I sacrificed for way too long. The common definition of selfish doesn’t begin to encompass what it can mean in the context of self-care and exploring self-knowledge.
Write on… about your self.
“But that perception was based on the other person’s darkness at the time.”
That is exactly how I feel Michele…
Karen, I love this post! So eloquently said! Your point about self-hatred affecting others is so wise. It’s like many people think they need to say yes to everyone and bend over backwards for others in order to be a “good” person, but the reality is that a) that breeds resentment b) it’s mentally, emotionally and physically unhealthy and c) you aren’t truly available to those people because you haven’t taken good care of yourself.
Eloquently said yourself Margarita!
Hi Karen, I just found your site via your comment on Michele’s Healthy Cultivations. (I’m 48 too!) Had to stop by and say “thank you” for such a wonderful blog. I’ve bookmarked and will visit often.
Thank you Roz!
I loved this post Karen. I actually started reading it a couple days ago & realized I needed more time so I came back rather than rushing thru it.
I so agree that so many of us are in the self “dislike” mode & to make ourselves #1 is NOT selfish. There has to be more self love as we have been taught, especially women, that everyone else comes first & how can we be our best for others if we don’t respect the best for ourselves.
Great post!
Exactly…and I find that when we’re full of self love, it just multiplies out and creates more love for others!
Stopping self-hate has been a motto of mine as well, even when I wasn’t practicing it. It takes patience to learn how to love ourselves for who we are right this minute, instead of always wanting to be better than, prettier than, smarter than, etc. I wasted much of my young adulthood hating my very core because I never thought I was good enough for anything or anyone. Learning that lesson, regardless of what age it comes is a true blessing.
Amen Ellen.
I’m new to your blog and this post really hit home, I’ve found myself distant from my closest friend and not really understanding why. A couple of things hit me..I’ve been full of my own journey and Ive been being critical. I’m going to try to put things right
Thanks for a very thought provoking post
Dawn
Hey Dawn…being full of your own journey is perfectly okay! And I find when we’re okay with being full of our own journey, we’re okay with others being full of theirs. Does that make sense? Don’t give up your journey for the sake of others!
So thoughtful and spot on, Karen. It is indeed all about all of us and, ultimately, the ultimate act of selflessness to do this work on a daily basis. Thank you.
{ 1 trackback }