I’m supposed to get on an airplane in two weeks. Ever since I made the arrangements for this flight, I have felt more anxious than I have ever felt about flying. And it’s not about the flying specifically, it’s about the fact that someone might throw up on the plane and I’ll be trapped. And/or I might throw up.
Even though I’ve had this anxiety for as long as I can remember, it has never held me back. I’ve never NOT gotten on an airplane because of it. But it’s never been as bad as it is now.
I have told myself that I don’t have to get on the plane. But I don’t want to become that person…that person who doesn’t get on the plane because then I might become that person who never leaves her house.
I have some Xanax but even that doesn’t reassure me. There are moments when I am able to say to myself, “So what? So what if someone throws up?” But mostly, when I think about that happening, I am petrified. And I am not exaggerating.
Yesterday I was talking with my friend Christie* about it. And she asked me, “What will happen if someone throws up?” I started to cry. And she asked me to state my fear. I started to shiver…my insides were quaking…this is usually what happens when I talk about it.
And do you know how many fucking times I have talked about this issue? How many times I’ve written about it? How long has it had its fucking grip on me? I’ve sought counseling. I’ve been hypnotized. I’ve “tapped” on it. And I recently started EMDR. I’ve intellectualized it. I can even explain it. I know why I have this anxiety. But knowing why doesn’t help.
Christie told me that she’d been doing some reading about Early Maladaptive Schemas and suggested I do some reading. Wow. Okay, so now I understand more about the whys but what do I DO??
It was Christie who reminded that our bodies hold emotions if we don’t allow them to flow on through. I wrote about it a while back: “When we can’t or aren’t allowed to move our emotions, they get stuck and can create pain or other issues. Certain physical movements accompanied by vocalizing in certain ways helps get the emotions moving. Imagine children, who use their whole body and their voices when expressing, for example, sadness or anger.”
She asked if I had been practicing. Uh…no. Why not? Why not indeed. As much as I am a proponent of feeling my damned feelings, feeling THIS feeling is HARD!
And then there’s the physiological aspect that Dr. Christiane Northrup discusses in her book, The Wisdom of Menopause:
“Though memories are distributed throughout the body and brain, certain areas of the brain are especially important for the encoding and retrieving of memories. Interestingly, these areas of the brain are particularly rich in receptors for estrogen, progesterone, and GnRH, the hormones that fluctuate the most during the perimenopausal years. Given the heightened activity of these hormones in these areas, it makes sense that memory activation and retrieval would be enhanced during the years immediately surrounding menopause. Hurts and losses we’ve managed to forget or minimize for many years, even decades, may suddenly become overwhelming – even if we thing we should be ‘over’ all that pain from the past.”
Seasonal Affective Disorder, depression, and anxiety are all exacerbated by menopause. The good news is that our midlife brains and bodies are set up to heal our pasts. In fact, I contacted Dr. Northrup on Twitter and asked her if, after menopause, my anxiety would get better. She replied, “Yes. It goes away. As long as you’re willing to look at every aspect of your life and update it!”
And so getting back to my conversation with Christie, she suggested that I stomp around the room, fists, clenched, arms pumping, and that I say everything that I am afraid of. She said that I have to intentionally want to release the fear. Huh. Maybe on some level I haven’t wanted to release it? Maybe I just wanted to wait and see what would happen once the hormones stop jerking off in my body? And how long might that take? It could be another 10 years!
Lastly, she said this: “The most important piece is to not stop the fear once you start to feel it.”
And so, when Christie and I hung up, I got up, went down in the basement and did what she suggested. I had been shivering and shaking inside throughout our conversation and it continued. I’ve felt this way so many times before and had tried to clamp it down, distract myself, and stop it…to stop myself from feeling the fear.
I didn’t know what would happen as I stomped around the basement but I wanted to do the work. And I was amazed at what came out of my mouth:
I am ready to release this fear.
But I am so afraid!
I am afraid of vomit!
I am afraid AFRAID!
What if someone vomits on me?
What if everyone vomits on me?
Who will take care of me?
I can’t take care of myself.
No one will take care of me.
I am so afraid.
If I vomit no one will love me.
If he she you I vomit the world might end.
I want to voice this fear but I am afraid.
I am scared to say it.
(at this point the shivering had stopped by my chest and throat felt tight and constricted…I’ve never felt this before)
Up and out up and out up and out…
(oh isn’t that interesting)
I am so scared.
I don’t want to bad.
I’m scared that I am bad.
My poor body has been forced to hold on to this fear for so long.
It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay
(tears)
I am afraid that I am a stupid, silly idiot for having this fear.
(and then fear moved into my jaw and the back of my head)
And so I don’t allow myself to let it go and it’s been there for close to 50 years. My body wants to let it go. It is saying PLEEEEEEASE let it go!!
__________
Christie says emotions are never wrong, but I’ve created a story that I shouldn’t feel this fear. And so now I have to muster all the love and compassion I can and tell myself that it is not only okay to feel it, but a matter of my health and wellbeing to feel it.
And I notice that when I am shivering and shaking it’s not enough…it is me stopping short of allowing myself to really feel it…of allowing it to roll on through my body, from my core, through my chest and throat , into my jaw, and out the back of my head.
*Christie and I met through blogging and we participated on the Ditch The Diet/Intuitive Eating Panel together last year at Fitbloggin ’11 (along with Shauna Reed and Katie Heddleston). This year Christie and I are doing a similar workshop at Fitbloggin ’12 on Self-Acceptance & Weight Loss, with Shauna and Mara Glatzel. While Christie bills her self as a “hybrid coach/body image/intuitive eating expert extraordinaire” (and she is that), she’s also an expert “feel your feelings” coach.
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh Karen. This post is stunning.
Your bravery.
YOUR WISDOM (“When we can’t or aren’t allowed to move our emotions, they get stuck and can create pain or other issues. Certain physical movements accompanied by vocalizing in certain ways helps get the emotions moving. Imagine children, who use their whole body and their voices when expressing, for example, sadness or anger.”).
Your insights.
My back pain.
My back pain too. Not to mention the anxiety.
Thanks for sharing your own journey, Karen! Christie is a brilliant coach and is so talented when it comes to helping folks feel their feelings (because everyone tells you that you should but nobody knows HOW). I love that you put your process here…it takes some of my own fear away : )
It’s such a process, isn’t it???
Thank you so much for sharing this! Isn’t it crazy how fear can just paralyze you? I have my own fears I am trying to face … ugggghh. It really is such a process. I love reading your story.. it gives me hope for my own!
Hope is good!
I’m reading this and feeling so bad for you because it seems like this ‘should’ be such a simple thing to let go of. However, having had my own anxieties, I understand.
There’s another part of me that almost wishes that you would get on the plane and have someone in the seat next to you throw up. So you could see that even if that happens you are going to be OK. (And because you know me, you know I don’t mean this viciously at all!)
So, here’s something that might make you laugh… I had the WORST fear of flying and it was simply because every time I did, I GOT SICK. (Actually I have had bad motion sickness my whole life so I don’t even do very well in a car for a lenghy period of time.) I can’t even begin to tell you the horror stories but there may be nothing worse than being on a plane, sick, next to a stranger. My anxiety with that reached epic proportions until I wouldn’t fly.
Then I married this guy who wanted to fly. Oh, brother. It didn’t even comfort me that he would be the one in the seat next to me. Finally he said, “Helen, what is the worst thing that will happen if we get on the plane and you do get sick?” So as I sat there crying and spilling my feelings and fears out, I also felt myself letting go of it. I was relieved and reassured…. until we got on the plane and I GOT SICK. Are you kidding me? But do you know my worst case scenario did not materialize and I learned a big lesson from that.
Of course these days there have been some things approved that are stronger than Dramamine and for the last 20 years I’ve been able to fly sickness-free. Thank goodness. But for the last few times before I got my hands on the better stuff, I was able to function without the anxiety because I knew even if I got sick I’d survive it.
I hope you work this out, and get on the plane!
I am working it out…I am doing fear! :-)
And it’s funny because I’ve had people near me throw up and I WAS okay, but for some reason it doesn’t seem to help. It’s a deep-rooted fear and it really has nothing to do with vomit…but in the moment that this fear came into me, I created a story about what it meant and I’ve hung on to it for so long. But this…thing…that Christie has taught me is helping me feel it physically…feel it in my body and not try and avoid it like I usually do. And so I am able to release it. I’m going to have to do it a lot though…it’s not something you do once and that’s it.
Anyway, I am glad you can fly and not get sick any more :-)
That’s an interesting connection between menopause and anxiety. I like the idea of “our midlife brains and bodies are set up to heal our pasts.”
I’m sure when you are ready, you’ll let go of the fear.
I am SO ready…
It always amazes me how you open up here on your blog – you are BRAVE & wonderful!!!!
PS; I put a menopause pic on my FB page yesterday – you might enjoy…
It’s just what I do, Jody! :-)
And I posted that same menopause pic!! I love those memes!
Thank you for sharing this with us, Karen. I think that all of us have or have had a fear that is so strong that it overtakes us and prevents us from doing something important to us. I will be interested in seeing in how this changes over the next two weeks…xoO
I am interested too ;-)
You know, I’ve been trying to get myself to sign up for a tandem skydive for ages. I love the idea — I LOVE fresh air, heights, blue sky, airplanes, the whole nine yards.
What I HATE with a passion and what makes me go white at the thought of it, is the idea of being strapped helplessly to someone else who is in charge and has all the power, alone in the sky, where they can do any damn thing they want to me and I am forced to rely on them for my safety.
I’d rather do a solo student dive than a tandem, but I know that a tandem is cheaper and an easier way to find out if I’m emotionally capable of jumping. And it’s safe. Most of the guys who do that are ex-military. They’re fine. They WANT me to like the experience, and they want me to keep coming back to the drop zone and spending money there. It’s not like they will deliberately do anything to make me hate it. But I simply cannot get past the fear of being in another person’s power that profoundly.
Amazing how jumping out of the plane and plummeting at 100mph doesn’t scare me as much as getting a gun held to my head that tells me to TRUST OR DIE. :-P
Your comment intrigues me…do you have to do a tandem dive before you can try it solo?
and you think I’m brave… wow.
b
It comes easily to me… ;-)
Now that I know we are both on the cusp of 50 , I’ll be following to see how you are handling it.You are very very brave to face this fear head on the way you did..alone. I have had more anxiety in the last year or so also. Last year was a year of hot flashes and cold flashes and some extreme, extreme episodes of anxiety unlike I’ve ever had. But then I tapped in to times I had the same anxiety and the body feeling that goes along with it going back to childhood. This year, so far, has been surges of hormones and sexual feelings and dreams and memories of childhood and again more anxiety and fear. I’m going to read Dr. Northrups book about menapause-i have one of her original books. But I think it’s time to shed some light on this and realize I’m not losing it but working my way through something.
Yep…the big M is quite the event! On the one hand, it’s reassuring to know it’s temporary, but on the other hand, it sucks when you’re in the midst of it!
OK so you are supposed to feal your fear – fully explore it. THEN what? What do you do with that? it seems you have to get a full handle on the source of the fear, everything surrounding the fear, why you let it morph into this particular situational fear and with all that knowledge and a full spectrum of knowledge – you can tackle the issue and work backwards to the situation right now – to reframe it. I am not sure that can happen overnight.
Vomiting. What does it mean? What does it mean to you? Vomiting is being out of control. It happens when we have to rid our bodies of something that is bad for us or may kill us. What does it mean to a child? What does it mean to a child who sees their protector? How did the protector act towards the child when they were in that out of control state? What did the child feel and do then?
The mind is not always rational. All paths are not straight and clear right?
I am no psychologist or life coach clearly, but whatever you do, make sure that you end that moment in a loving embrace. Your own, someone who loves you without condition. I write stuff down that seems random or that sort of gnaws at me but I cannot make sense of it right then (OR I refuse to open up to it) and when strong I revisit it. When I am in a good place. If it bothers me I stop.
One thing before I go. You cannot expect to cure yourself of this before you go and you should maybe think that if you don’t it is OK because you are working it all out. Do you have noise blocking headphones?
You are right…it does not happen overnight. This is not a do-it-once-and-you’re-cured thing…and so when I start to feel shivery, I will stomp and state…stomp and state my fears. And I do have noise blocking headphones and they are essential when I fly! Thank you for the reminder.
Your questions are right on!
And I have learned to that I need to do all of this with absolute compassion…
Yep. So right about doing it with compassion. So right. You don’t have that and then you are suddenly faced with a new revelation that maybe is troubling or hard to deal with and the moment of righting your ship can be lost or squandered or made worse.
You are afraid someone will throw up on you, or you will throw up? Did this happen to you when you were little? Where did it come from?
I have a friend who refuses to get on a plane because she is so scared of the idea. We can’t take her anywhere where she has to fly. At least you get on the plane.
Unfortunately, I can’t pinpoint my problems like you can. I’m not afraid of much, but I sure do have issues.
It’s a long story Barbie…
Oh wow Karen… it sounds like you are doing EVERYTHING you can and should be doing. I hope your anxiety eases a bit and continues to do so as the flight approaches.
Perhaps the stomping and venting also helped in other ways!
xxxx
I am sure the stomping and venting is helping in other ways :-)
Wow! Karen, thank you so much for sharing this. I truly believe that many people will benefit from you having shared, and given a step by step example. I so related to what you said about, “knowing why” but now what do you do? Good luck to you and I wish you luck on ridding yourself of this fear!
Thanks…
I completely understand the fear of flying and am so glad you are so aware of it and learning to overcome. I have to psyche myself into flying and say lots of prayers. For me it’s a control thing – I want to be the driver, etc.
Thought I was the only one with this fear – concerts and large group things are the worse!
Thank you for sharing.
I identify so much when you write these posts. Any whiff of any type of scent or smell or hot air and my anxiety can over flow, thinking I am going to have an asthma attack. Fear used to grip me in terror, all consuming. I had to stand there and chant – you are still breathing, you are still breathing, over and over, and eventually the chanting time got less and less. I guess this was what you were writing about, moving thru it instead go trying to get away from it. Other areas that have gotten better: Any type of stitches or surgery (being exposed way too young to way too much blood and guts). Used to happen with bees and wasps until I knew what treatment to get (allergic). Used to happen with cars pulling up behind my car at stop lights. Speaking for myself only, not sure if it was helped by meds or working thru it or combination of all treatments.
Thank you for sharing Vicki…as the days get longer (and warmer) my anxiety lessens significantly as does my ability to move myself through it.
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