The other night I said to Tim, “I wish you could come with me on the plane and protect me.” And in the moment that I said this, a whole string of thoughts cascaded through my brain and I had one of my beloved ah-ha moments.
Remember the post in which I practiced intentionally releasing my fear? Where I described what I now call the “stomp and state” technique and went from being afraid of others vomiting to being afraid that no one would take care of me and then being afraid of even voicing that fear?
I stomped and stated several times over the course of two days. I dug deep and allowed my fear to go where it wanted to go. I literally felt it move from a shivering in my belly/chest to a tight, constricted feeling in my throat and jaw, and into the back of my head…and then it was gone.
And in the moment I said to Tim that I wanted him to protect me, I had this vision of him creating a cocoon around me on the plane…a cocoon that would keep out vomit. And then the cascade of thoughts:
I don’t need that!
I am capable of caring for myself.
It’s not vomit that scares me!
And even though for so very long I made vomit = chaos = not being taken care of = fear, I can unmake that equation.
I can lovingly parent myself! That’s what this is about!
I am okay.
And I laughed out loud with relief!
For many years I went about my life without it being too much of an issue. It was there, but it didn’t dictate my life. But then it did. It became full-fledged anxiety.
So why, if just a little over a week ago I was petrified, am I now not petrified? Am I cured? Did the hormones shift? Is it more daylight? Did I actually move and release that fear? Completely? I don’t know. All I know is that right this second, I am less than two days away from getting on the plane and I am excited…I’m going to see my BFF!