Once again, Brené Brown hits it out of the park with her most recent TED talk, Listening To Shame. If you have a partner, watch this with him or her.
The key points from Brené’s talk:
Vulnerability is not weakness, it is the most accurate measurement of courage we have. The myth that it is a weakness is profoundly dangerous.
Vulnerability = emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty…
AND
Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.
Shame is the swampland of the soul. The core of rot. It’s important to visit the swamp and to look carefully at the core of rot. This doesn’t mean we stay there and stare forever.
Shame drives two big tapes in our minds: “never good enough” and, if you can’t it talk out of that one, “who do you think you are?”
Shame, however, is not guilt. Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior.
Shame = “I am bad. I am a mistake.” Guilt = “I did something bad. I made a mistake.”
Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, and eating disorders. Guilt is inversely correlated to those things.
In women, shame comes from: do it all, do it perfectly, and never let them see you sweat. Shame for women is a web of unattainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we’re supposed to be. Research shows that in this country, what women need to do in order to conform to female norms is to be nice, thin, modest, and to use our resources for appearance.
For men, one thing only: do not be perceived as weak.
Research shows that in this country, what women need to do in order to conform to female norms is to be nice, thin, modest, and to use our resources for appearance. Men need to show emotional control at all times, exhibit primacy at work, pursue status, and violence.
The antidote to shame is empathy. Shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence, and judgment. Douse shame with empathy and it can not survive.
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What a wonderful post – meaning full of very important information! Really something to think about & the rolls we take on as women vs. men. I think girls have a much better chance of escaping stereotypes than I did when I grew up but it is still hard with the media & all they push on us… we have to fight for ourselves!
Ooh, thank you! I didn’t know she had a new TEDtalk! Now I have something to watch in my hotel room tomorrow night. :)
I had the pleasure of hearing Dr. Brown speak on shame and vulnerability at Blissdom last year, and what an amazing woman! She seems so very authentic and genuine.
LUCKY!!!
Great post Karen. I like the line about vulnerability being the birthplace of creativity (and growth). That really resonates with me!
Deb
I LOOOOOVED this TED piece too.
You know, there’s an implication there that needs to be addressed — a blank spot that’s not being filled in accurately, and if it’s not, I know how it WILL be filled in.
“:Research shows that in this country, what women need to do in order to conform to female norms is to be … thin … ”
The implication here, and again, it’s one that I KNOW is being made in the minds of people, is that if you are thin, you have no shame at all. You live a perfect shame-free existence in rainbow land. In reality, you only find yourself subject to a whole new landscape of shame, the one called, “Bitch wanted it.” The one where you are responsible for the disgusting advances of any man around you. The one where you MADE him act that way because of what you look like. The one where it’s your fault he hates your guts for not going to bed with him.
There is no such thing as a shame-free life for women in this society — even conforming to physical standards through no fault or credit of one’s own just means you get a whole new type of shame to live with. You asked for it. You wanted it. Who do you think you are not giving him that blow job, he’s just trying to be NICE.
And this is definitely relevant to women who are trying to lose weight — they may think that they will live in perfect rainbow land where men “like” them once they lose weight. Then, they start dropping the pounds, find out that there are whole new varieties of shame waiting for them — and that men generally do not “like” women they want to screw much at all — and back they go into the carton of ice cream and the pounds come back on, because if they’re going to be stuck with shame and fear no matter what, it might as well be the kind they’re used to.
There is no life free of the pressures of shame for women, not on this side of the grave. The belief that there is any way to avoid the pressures of shame simply by changing something about oneself is a false one, and again this needs to be said, because I have seen that assumption made without exception for my entire life. No matter WHAT you look like or act like as a woman, the world wants you ashamed of it. How dare you be unattractive and blight the landscape of others with your flab. How dare you be attractive and force men to hate your guts because you won’t screw them on command — you know you wanted it. Avoidance of shame will not work for women trying to lose weight. You will merely be exchanging one form of shame for another, unfamiliar and hence scarier one. This is why one’s appearance isn’t enough to motivate. It’s got to be something you desire from the inside, something that will make your life better even if your image never falls on the retinas of another human being again.
Standing ovation Janice!!!
I am not sure empathy is the antidote to shame. A stepping stone on a walk away from it since empathy leads to compassion – yes. Many things are needed to get to release of shame.
Also – men are also held to ” do it all, do it perfectly, and never let them see you sweat.”
Also, and I may get static for saying so – in some cases the distinct lack of shame. We need to draw a distinction between good shame and bad shame. Useful and destructive. Shame that’s sole purpose is to diminish or sole purpose is to humiliate versus shame that allows someone to see themselves as they are (like being so self involved that you neglect your children). Where if you point it out that person has the ability to grow.
Vulnerability is a wonderful thing if there is substance behind it.
If you watch the video, you’ll see that she doesn’t say that we shouldn’t have any shame at all…and that those who do are psychopaths. ;-)
I could not watch it. I will try to access it another way.
Wow, I feel as if she spoke directly to me. This actually ties in a lot with what I’ve been working on these last few weeks. I’ll have to blog about it in the near future.
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