If you’ve been reading here for a while, you’ve probably seen this a time or 10: I don’t have to control food and food doesn’t control me. This is my nirvana. It’s what I was describing in a post I wrote a couple of weeks ago called PRACTICING: Effortlessness.
Just the other day I crafted a note to myself based on a comment I left on a post entitled Taking The Cakewalk by Jane at Keeping The Pounds Off (excellent blog, by the way). Reading and commenting on others’ blogs helps me refine and hone my message to myself.
Here is that note:
I want a healthy relationship with food and my body to come easily. It shouldn’t have to be a life-long struggle. While I am not sure I’d call it “absurdly easy” (the definition of “a cakewalk” in Jane’s post), it has become a lot easier. I have embraced the notion that this isn’t about perfection or about never bingeing again, but about catching myself sooner and preventing the downward spiral. The process has had a lot more to do with working on what’s going on inside my head than with the actual control or restriction of food.
There are people who’d rather control and restrict food…people for whom it works to say, “I am a food addict and I must be vigilant!” It’s easier for them to do it that way.
For me, it’s easier to go deep and work on root causes than it is to restrict and control food or to label myself an addict. I believe that if I can get at the root causes, my body/mind/spirit will respond positively and that I will have a healthy “normal” relationship with food. Am I perfect at it? No. Is it easy? Most of the time. Is it a joyful work in progress? YES!
And guess what? Right now it is NOT coming easily. I feel out of control around food and I feel that food is controlling me. Recent circumstances and situations have been poking incessantly at my insecure, approval-seeking inner child and so I’ve been distracting myself with food after months and months and MONTHS of food just being food and me not being all that interested in it.
Yesterday it all came to a head when I heard some news I was not expecting and did not want to hear, but at the same time, deep down inside, was afraid I’d hear. All of a sudden, the confident, able, and knowledgeable woman I am was reduced to a scared, angry, impotent little girl who felt as if she’d been robbed of her power and who would be exposed as a foolish idiot who has no idea what she is doing.
And boy did she want to numb and stuff herself. And…I let her. And within hours I understood my root cause.
And it’s okay. And she’s okay. And so am I.
“Fear, like joy, usually means that you’re exactly where you should be, learning what you’re ready to learn, about to become more than who you were.” ~ Today’s oh-so-appropriate Note From The Universe
On a totally separate note (although the Universe really does step up to the plate when I need it to): Imagine my surprise and thrill at being named in Crabby McSlacker’s list of “Best Weight Loss Blogs: 2012″! Thank you so very much to her and to her readers who voted for me! I am honored. Some of my favorite blogs are also listed there, as are some with which I am not familiar. I can’t wait to check them out.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Every time I read about your take on food I am encouraged!!!! I am not there myself yet, but I do hope to be. Keep on tellin’ it to us!!!! :)
While I am not an intuitive eater, like you, I want my relationship with food to just be better. Sometimes it makes me tired and when I feel I’m in the thick of it and it’s not easy, I wonder if it ever will be.
It’s wonderful that you not only figured out what was/has been going on but also that you are kind to yourself in the aftermath. Even though you might not be where you want to be with food, I’d say that right there is a pretty good place to be.
The fact that you keep trying & learning is what really counts – very inspiring!!! Food is such a trigger for so many of us. I still fight it at times after so many many years. The emotions want to get the best of me & I have to fight hard to win! ;-)
Congrats on your Crabby list! So many great ones there & I was lucky to be there too!
Great post as always Karen!
Phew! That’s the sound of me letting out a deep breath of relief because you have given me permission to not label myself a food addict and condemn myself to eternal vigilance. And I loved today’s Note from the Universe. Congratulations, Karen, on being named to Crabby McSlacker’s List. I agree that you’ve got one of the best weight loss blogs going and — as I’ve said before — a really wonderful book.
I know what you mean about refining your message to yourself through your comments on other blogs. I have often found myself writing a comment that becomes an a-ha moment for me. It’s one of the reasons I love and value blogging so much.
And this:
“All of a sudden, the confident, able, and knowledgeable woman I am was reduced to a scared, angry, impotent little girl who felt as if she’d been robbed of her power and who would be exposed as a foolish idiot who has no idea what she is doing.”
That right there, describes exactly how I feel, especially when I’m criticized by my parents. You nailed it! I’m learning to change that by setting boundaries. And just to prove my earlier statement – I’ve just realized that the boundaries I’ve been setting have been for ME, not THEM! Wow.
I learn so much from you. You deserve that place on the list!
Well done on making the ‘best blogs list’. And also on forgiving yourself for your struggle. I think I’d worry if people didn’t struggle to some extent – no matter how mentally healthy they were around food. There’s an actress I admire and I saw a tweet from her the other day making a comment about how she really wanted some fries but was going to have the salad.
It was kind of refreshing to know that she (too) was grappling with choices. I tend to think of others being completely ‘sane’ and ‘perfect’ in their ability to only eat what’s best for them with minimal inner turmoil. Hearing that everyone battles with it, somehow makes it more acceptable and helps me realise that it won’t be impossible to overcome, but also won’t be the ‘light-switch’ which is suddenly turned on, making me ‘better’. We are all works in progress – otherwise I guess we wouldn’t continue to grow and evolve!
Deb
Great post, Karen. It certainly hit home…I’m not sure I struggle with food, but I know I don’t make the right choices when there’s a lot going on, when stress just takes over. It’s definitely key for me, like yourself (so glad I’m not alone!), to think and rethink about the causes of the “numb and stuff” phenomenon, as you so aptly put it. Yes, sometimes you just let it happen, but as long as you are aware, it makes a huge difference on the steps you take in the next situation. I hope you sorted out the unpleasantness of the news you were afraid of.
Karen,
POWERFUL — your words: For me, it’s easier to go deep and work on root causes than it is to restrict and control food or to label myself an addict. I believe that if I can get at the root causes, my body/mind/spirit will respond positively and that I will have a healthy “normal” relationship with food.
THIS is precisely where I’m at with this, and it’s why I’m finding myself needing to distance myself from some of the blogs I used to read so faithfully, so rigidly. Some people don’t need to distance from them, but for me, I can’t read the ones that feed into the whole disease mentality. That is NOT what this is about.
So intense! Realizations!!
Congrats on making the list! Wise choosers!
Funny how things are so good and then suddenly they aren’t. But are you getting yourself back on track quicker these days? I think you are. You have more tools in your war chest. Sometime in the future, when the fog has completely cleared, you can sit down and do a sort of post game analysis. What went wrong, what went right, where did I turn the corner each time… You are really good at that sort of thing and then coming here to discuss what you learned.
You said it yourself – that within hours you saw the root cause of the problem. How far you have come. it IS a journey.
I see that food can be more than food for lots of us. What gives me hope is that I may catch myself quicker in the future before I spiral all the way back up to my starting weight. I had a 7 year spiral, in the last two years I have that cut down to months before I catch myself. I really hope there comes a day when I can catch myself within hours like you did on this occasion. I have faith that I will.
{ 2 trackbacks }