“Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person.” ~ the opening line in Anne Tyler’s novel, Back When We Were Grownups
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Click the photo to read more about our efforts in Newtown, and for photo credit. That’s me on the far left with the red water bottle. :-)
I was sitting with about 20 other Emotional Freedom Techniques practitioners in Newtown this past Saturday when I started thinking about the words, “emotional freedom.” My mind wandered to the other training I am in the midst of (The Life Coach School) and the term Brooke Castillo uses: “emotional adulthood.”
And I thought about the synergy between emotional freedom and emotional adulthood.
Emotional freedom = the freedom to feel ALL of my emotions without guilt, shame, or judgment, and, at the same time, the freedom to release my emotions through the very act of feeling them.
Emotional adulthood = my emotions are my responsibility.
In taking responsibility for my emotions, I am free.
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I know you’ve heard bits and pieces of this before, but it bears repeating.
“Even though I am overweight, I love and accept myself. Being asked to repeat those words was the fulcrum on which I turned from someone who didn’t know how to love into someone who did…”
…from being a defensive, resistant, unaware, over-spending, binge-eating and obese woman-child who was full of self-doubt…
…to being an accepting, forgiving, aware, confident, and slightly overweight but emotionally free adult woman.
…from someone who was turning into the wrong person…
…to someone who was just about to catch herself.
Thank God it wasn’t too late.
Now, it would be simplistic and inaccurate to say that it was like flipping a switch and that I have never, ever again felt defensive or resistant, or that my confidence has never again been shaken, or that I never struggle with food now and then.
But if there’s anything I’d like to be known for, it is that I took responsibility for my emotions and in doing so, showed others that they could be similarly free, as well.
And that is the crux of the work we are doing in Newtown now. Our mission is to bring emotional freedom to those who are struggling and to show them that by taking responsibility for their emotions, they can be free.
We are not there to tell them not to grieve or not to feel anger or fear or the myriad other “negative” emotions they might have, but rather we’re showing them how to accept and be responsible for those feelings in a way that serves both them and those to whom they are close.
So far, Nick Ortner and Lori Leyden have worked with teachers and students in a couple of Newtown schools, those who work in the CT Medical Examiner’s Office, a couple of the parents who lost children, and a child who attends Sandy Hook School. You can read more here and here.
Our efforts there are long-term and the training we are receiving is top-notch. I am not sure when I will be working directly with the community, but for now, I am focused on continuing to master both my own emotions and the techniques needed to help others.
What’s your understanding of emotional freedom and emotional adulthood?
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
On this national day of service, thank you, Karen, for the work you are doing in the community.
I like your definitions. They seem to mirror my experience. So much of my life was spent trying to avoid negative feelings. I am only now taking responsibility for them and trying to let myself feel them. I feel like I am learning skills that most everyone else got and I somehow missed out on – as in some cases, it’s pretty basic stuff. I had the opportunity to witness my daughter’s interaction with someone in a stressful situation and I saw how beautifully she handled it, how she didn’t let it rattle her, didn’t take on what was being pushed at her. I wondered how in the heck did she learn that? When did she learn that? I know it wasn’t from me.
Thank you Roxie! I often feel the same way when someone so much younger than myself seems to have gotten it. I am just thankful that I did :-)
Another fine piece. I brought you up at a thinktank I attend recently. I pointed them to your site.
Take care and be well,
Billy
Thanks Billy! Be well, yourself. I know you’ve been down for the count!
it is sometimes hard for me to unconditionally love myself. but in the moments i do, a lot of positive power comes into my life and i am also able to support others very well. i was conditioned to always think of others first and to love them. the key seems to be to love yourself!
great, wise post!
and, yes…. i am glad its not to late too!
Yes, love is infinite…we can give it to ourselves and there’s more than enough left over for others. And it’s never too late :-)
What a beautiful way to serve, Karen! I know it will be difficult, yet rewarding at the same time!
As usual for me, I had to make just a slight thought-shift to gain a lot of understanding about my emotional response. I’d always thought along the lines of “X makes me so mad/angry/sad/whatever”, where X is something someone did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say. Somewhere along the way I realized that X was just X, and that even if the intention was to evoke some emotion on my part, the response was within my control. So I shifted my thinking just a little, to think, “When X happens, I feel m/a/s/w.” At the same time I’m feeling that, I also feel the power that comes from knowing I’m in control. I might be a sobbing mess at the moment, but it’s a “controlled” mess, and that makes me feel better. :)
Love that shift! I also like to ask myself, “what am I making X mean?”
For me it means forgiving myself for things that I felt badly about and carried with me for years. Once I finally just felt the feelings and voiced them they were gone. I had no idea it could be so powerful It helped me move forward from grieving my brother in law to embracing change that was hurtful and sad in my life. I know for a fact if I had not went through the process of feeling my emotions I would still be stuck in the same place as the past two years. Its suffocating to hold it all in. You are so beautiful to share your knowledge and gift with others. What a blessing.
Grief is such an amazing feeling, isn’t it? Big hugs to you.
I just experienced this very thing today, for the very first time – and I feel like I have truly conquered something HUGE. Over recent years I’ve had issues with a member of my family who is mentally ill and who attends every holiday gathering. Hence, every holiday is unhappy, stressful and emotionally draining so I decided that I was going to just leave if/when I felt I was being threatened. This past holiday it did not work. I was anxious the moment he arrived and we hadn’t even said hello to the rest of the family yet.
On my way home, I accepted all of the emotions I was feeling and more importantly – refused to allow myself to feel guilty for not wanting to see my brother over the holidays. That was my emotional freedom. Taking it one step further – I called my mother today and politely told her that from now on, I am having all holidays at my home. She is more than welcome to come, but my brother is not. That was my experience with emotional adulthood. I took responsibility for what I wanted out of my life with no further negotiation. And it feels like a hundred pound weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
BRAVA Ellen!! There is so much I can relate to here, although the specific relationships are different. I hope your mother understands and respects this.
What you are doing is so important on so many levels Karen. I’m coming back to read this a few more times, especially Ellen’s comment. I believe this may help my family through a difficult situation. It gets so complicated when one person’s instability effects so many others. I need to spend some quiet time letting this soak in.
Thanks!
b
One thing to consider Barb: it’s not the other person’s instability that affects you/others, it’s your/their thoughts about the other person’s instability. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have appropriate boundaries, but it’s an important distinction to make.
You are such a caring person Karen and it shows in every single part of your life.
What a wonderful compliment…thank you Diane!
I thought a bit about the concepts of emotional freedom and emotional adulthood. For me, emotional freedom and adulthood would mean that I’m not as much cowed by my own emotions than I am now, at age 44.
I hope that day will come.
It took me longer than that, Satu. Your desire will take you far!
You are so clear and gentle in your writing. I absolutely agree the emotional adulthood overlaps wholly with emotional freedom. In IFS therapy work, I have developed the ability to see and understand my emotions as part but not all of me. In the thick of it, through mindfulness, I can turn to that emotion and say ‘I am here for you, I see you.’ That witness is Self. And when I am healed, all my emotional beings will trust in that one voice. xoxo
Hey kiddo! Good to see you. And I wholeheartedly agree that it’s all about that compassionate objectivity.
What an amazing opportunity and experience it must be!
Deb
Fabulous definitions of emotional freedom and emotional adulthood! Just love the terms because that is what it feels like!
Wonderful work in Newtown. Specifically that you can’t tell someone how to grieve but when they are ready to learn how to change the thought process if that is needed. Allowing people to have their own emotions is a fairly new concept to me.
I was at a Spiritual Academy workshop and they described a spiritual mentor – someone with an unanxious presence and that it enable a person to talk themselves into clarity. Loved that!
I love your definitions! It’s definitely what I’m working towards.
It’s great what you’re doing in Newtown. And you’re reaping the personal rewards. Win-win!