Have you ever had one of those “dark night of the soul” kind of days? The kind that feel full of doom and gloom and WTF?
I had one last week. And the funny thing is that even while in the midst of it, I knew it was short-lived. It was due partly to hormones. For as long as I can remember, every once in a while my monthly period is accompanied by a day or two of absolute dread. And even though I know it’s neither “real” nor warranted, in the moment it feels spectacularly real.
It was also due to feeling as if I’d failed at something at which I really want to excel.
Not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but I am in the midst of learning a specific style of life coaching (and it’s powerful!). I enrolled in Brooke Castillo’s Life Coach School (LCS) and have completed 12 weeks of skills-based training and a couple of weeks started a 12-week live practicum in which I get on a call twice a week with the 10 other students and with Brooke, and we practice.
Having done well in first 12 weeks, not to mention that I’ve been rockin’ it with my clients for several months and getting amazing feedback from them, I was really looking forward to the practicum.
Until I got on that first call. And then all of a sudden I was full of doubt.
I found myself questioning my every move. For example, just as I was about to jump into the conversation, I stopped myself and thought, “If I just jump in, she might think I’m rude or seeking attention.” And then when I held myself back I thought, “If I hold myself back she might think I’m not assertive enough!”
And then: “I have no idea how to please her!”
And then, “OMG, she’s back. The needy little girl in me who wants Mommy’s approval is back! Where did she come from? I thought I put her to bed for good a year ago!”
(Some of you may remember this blog post: Practicing: Revenge? If you’d like to read it, message me for the password.)
Crazy, right? Anyway, once I realized that I had a major case of wanting to please the teacher, I laughed at myself and relaxed (a little). And I let myself take imperfect action, volunteering to practice along with everyone else knowing that it would feel awkward and that I might not do it “right” the first time. And I didn’t.
LCS Truth: when we try and please someone we’re usually doing so because we think we can control what that person thinks about us. That’s impossible, right? So in the moment of trying to please someone else, we’re basically lying about who we are in order to get that person’s approval. If that person likes us based on a lie, then that person doesn’t really like us.
Anyway, after the call, I took some time to examine my thoughts. I recognized some old belief patterns and decided to do a couple of rounds of EFT. “Even though I feel needy and desperate I still love and accept myself…”
I do my own work so I can do my best work. I have a burning desire show others how they can help themselves and one thing I know for damned sure is that I can’t do that unless I help myself…even if it means I have to go to an uncomfortable place emotionally in order to do so. My feelings cannot destroy me and being uncomfortable is a gift.
“Give yourself permission to doubt yourself. It’s going to happen sometimes, and it’s okay. Don’t pretend. Own it. I believe doubt is a part of growth. It seems to accompany us to any new venture. It reveals all the thoughts we have that might not serve us. Thoughts to work. Feel your doubt. Work your thoughts. Then, doubt your doubt.” ~ Brooke Castillo
I need to practice in order to master. If you’re interested in some free coaching, please leave a comment below and I’ll be in touch.
THANK YOU TO ALL WHO COMMENTED. I am closing comments on this post as I have filled my calendar!
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
This is so perfect. I cannot even begin to tell you how often I doubt everything in my life. I make things up that I feel like people are thinking about me (not enough) that are ridiculous and in the past is has had a horrible impact on my progress and life in general. I think it is something most of us deal with and just have to learn how to over come it with experience and wonderful people like you. You should never doubt the value of your opinions Karen. ANytime I have a question or struggle I look so forward to your input. You are brilliant an dI love that you have been there done that. Your desire to help others shines through so strongly and I am blessed to know you.
Love that you are doing this! And this post is exactly what I needed to read this morning. :)
Love this… all of this!
At one time I would have not believed this… but now I get it… “being uncomfortable is a gift.”
And love, love the end quote!
Thank you for pointing out that feeling doubt is normal. I’m glad that you shared your own to help all of us!
I am reminded when you say about doing your own “work,” of a “work-in-progress.” Today I have been re-reading Geneen Roth’s book: “Women Food And God.” A funny thing happens when I pick up a book I really need to take another look at. I open to a random page, and voila…..the very thing I have been struggling with appears before my eyes in black and white. Today it was: (as I was beating myself up for regaining weight over yet another winter), “Losing weight on any program in which you tell yourself that left to your real impulses you would devour the universe is like building a skyscraper on sand: without a foundation, the new structure collapses. Change, if it is to be long lasting, must occur on the unseen levels first.” She also goes on to mention being at war with your own body, and once the belief is gone the weight will follow.
Great post! You saw the obstacle and took it on and overcame!
Loved your post. I’ve had those same feelings myself. Would love to work with you on your practicum.
Loved the post. I’ve felt those doubts myself. Would love to work with you on your practicum.
Love your posts. You are so motivational. Would love to be part of your practicum.
I know your focus is to work with women, so I’m obviously out, but if it’s cool, I’ll still hang around the blog a bit. :) As I’m working through my own issues and focusing on CBT (more than a few internal “therapist heal thyself” sessions), I find a lot of what you write about very focused on what I am going through and quite appropriate to my situation.
You amaze me more with every month & year how you work on yourself & understand yourself better! Congrats on everything! OH YES. self-doubts are here… Thx for an amazing post!
“My feelings cannot destroy me and being uncomfortable is a gift.” Learned that lesson (again) yesterday. It was not quite a dark night of the soul but a very difficult day and I am still amazed that those feelings pass through. Also, that I need to listen to my intuition and follow through and use boundaries.
It reminds me a bit of the conversation we had about bingeing – and sitting with your feelings rather than acting on them….
Great post!
Your posts are always inspiring and they resonate when I read them. Imagine what we can do if we overcome the thoughts that hold us back. I’d love to work with you if you have any more spaces left in your practicum. :)
This post really resonated with me. I can be so full of self-doubt at times. Thanks for sharing! The EFT really helps…
I have been having this exact issue all weekend. I chide myself for not doing something, or for having the wrong motivations for doing something, or for doing something else, and then I look at what I want and what I need to do to get there, and it all seems so silly. I’ve become accustomed to doubting everything that goes through my head.
I finally realized, over the course of the past year, that I can’t possibly please anyone else. That’s for them to do. Now I’m learning to make myself happy. It seems like it should be easy, but it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.
Thanks for reminding me that that’s okay.