Do you remember the story by Hans Christian Andersen?
In it, an Emperor who cares for nothing but his wardrobe hires two weavers who promise him the finest suit of clothes from a fabric that is said to be invisible to anyone who is unfit for his position or “just hopelessly stupid.” The Emperor cannot see the cloth himself, but pretends that he can for fear of appearing unfit for his position or stupid; his ministers do the same. When the swindlers report that the suit is finished, they “dress” him in the new suit and the Emperor then marches in procession before his subjects. A child in the crowd calls out that the Emperor is wearing nothing at all and the cry is taken up by others. The Emperor cringes, suspecting the assertion is true, but holds himself up proudly and continues the procession. (Thank you Wikipedia.)
Lately I’ve sort of been feeling like the Emperor. I have come to such a place of peace with my body and with food that I can hardly believe it. It’s like a miracle. At first I was hesitant to really say it loudly and proudly because I don’t know how much weight I have actually lost. I haven’t been on a scale in over a year. But let me say it now:
I AM losing weight!
But there’s a part of me that wonders if I am just “hopelessly stupid” because no one is saying a word to me about it really. Maybe it’s not obvious to anyone else…maybe I haven’t really lost any weight at all? The first time I lost weight everyone made comments. But then again, the first time around I made a big huge stinkin’ deal about it. It was all I could talk about. It became my whole identity, for crying out loud!
This time I am not talking about it much at all. It’s not taking up practically every waking moment!
And even though I don’t want to admit it, I sometimes wonder what other people think…are they looking at me and thinking, “well, you don’t look like you’re at peace with food” or “You shouldn’t be at peace with that body.”
But I know better than that. And I know what’s more important to me now is that people know me as a happy, vibrant, excited, woman who is focused on living her life, pursuing her dreams, and loving her friends and family.
I have toyed with the idea of getting the scale out of the closet and maybe someday I will, but for now I think I like it this way. It’s freeing to not be associated with a number. I am free to focus on things that are much more fun and which fill me up with joy…it’s taken me a while to realize just how much space that damned number used to take up in my head!!
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Yep, the comments we receive very often come from the energy we are putting off. If you are putting off energy that this is not about a number – that it’s really about life and love – then people will see that instead of your body. So the fact that people aren’t commenting is a great sign! Also, what I’ve learned is that we can’t have it both ways. We can’t get pissed when people noticed we’ve gained weight, and then also get pissed when they don’t notice we’ve lost weight. We either make our identities about the size of our bodies or we don’t. And bravo for you for landing on the “don’t” side!
Joy, I love your comment…it IS about the energy and it IS a great sign. I am finding the whole thing more interesting this time around :-)
First of all, my experience when losing weight and not telling anyone about it, is that it takes almost 20-25 pounds before anyone even utters the words, “Are you losing weight?” Every single time that is what has happened to me.
I don’t say that AT ALL to negate the fact that you are losing weight and wearing clothes you thought you’d never wear again… in fact your lovely hubby uttered those very words to me.
I just think, as you are doing with lots of other things in your life right now, you should find personal satisfaction in your own knowledge of what you are doing and where you are going weight wise and don’t worry about what the rest of us think, or do or do not say.
As someone so succinctly put it to me recently:
What other people think about me is none of my business.
I think I am going to have to borrow that one, Helen!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for voicing this:
“You shouldn’t be at peace with _that_ body.”
There are many times that I feel like I can’t be an advocate for mindful eating or body acceptance if I don’t look a certain way. I hope that I can get to a point where one is not contingent on the other.
Exactly Elyssa!! We have so much to talk about!
First off, I’m new to your blog and am really glad to have found it.
In response to this post, I obviously don’t know what the people surrounding you are thinking, but I know that often people feel hesitant to even bring up weight – even in a positive, congratulatory way. In my extensive research (i.e. my own limited observations), I notice that our culture is shifting away from so much weight talk among each other. This is good and bad and we could probably debate the merits all day. But I just say this because it’s possible that people notice but won’t bring it up due to the “taboo.” This might be particularly true if you’ve lost weight and gained it back in the past – they don’t want to say something they might feel bad about later. I know it’s easier to say than feel, but truly try to focus on how getting healthier is making you feel! Would you still want to get healthier if you were stranded on a desert island. Hopefully yes! So be proud that you’re kicking butt! ;-)
My husband has noticed and commented in his perfect way and that’s all well and good. And my sister had done the same. I agree that is a good thing that there’s a shift away from what we look like, and yes, I would want to feel this way on a dessert island!! :-)