So here I am, continuing to lose inches off my waist (six gone…and counting), and I just realized something: because I am not afraid of food any more, I am enjoying it a lot more!!
In the past couple of months I’ve been enjoying dessert once or twice a week, a glass of wine with dinner, sometimes a piece of bread with butter, or a snack of, say, pretzels and hummus in the afternoon when I find myself (truly) hungry. And I really enjoy these things…they taste good and satisfy me. And when I am done, I am done.
And then there are times when I just need to eat more, for whatever reason. I and eat until I am satisfied.
I went through a period of time during the summer when I was…experimenting. I think that’s the right word. I was testing myself and my feelings around food and hunger. Sometimes I’d worry if I thought I was hungry when I “shouldn’t” be. Sometimes I’d have a slightly “rebellious” feeling if I was eating something I thought I “shouldn’t.” But slowly, those feelings are going away and are being replaced with enjoyment and satisfaction.
You’d think that someone who overeats/binges is doing so because they really love food…but that’s not the case, at least it wasn’t for me. I overate/binged out of shame, guilt, anger, and anxiety – to numb – and that’s not enjoyable at all!
Huh!
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
LOVE LOVE this. So glad you shared this. I think this is definitely something I could relate to. WHen in the binge/purge past I couldn’t taste the food, it was a coping mechanism, one with a lot of shame, anger, frustration, and when in recovery I could finally come to a place where I enjoyed food again, I knew I was on the serious road back to health. Thank you for sharing this big insight for you!
I used to think my issue was loving food. Then I realized I was stuffing myself with (dry) Puffed Kashi. What could be more taste-less?
I’ve noticed being stressed, wanting to munch, but feeling NOT HUNGRY, so I’m not stress eating.
I’ve noticed stress/anxiety too…but NOT wanting to eat. In fact, I think I am feeling the anxiety more acutely precisely because I am not eating to numb…
Feeling or expressing zero fear of food is a WONDERFUL thing to be able to say!! Congratulations.
Oh – interesting way to think of it! I wonder if I am afraid of food. I certainly have given in too much power in my life.
I’ve been coming to this realization over time…bit by bit. And last night, as I enjoyed two very small scoops of gelato (one raspberry and the other vanilla almond) after dinner, it hit me. I truly wasn’t worried about it. In fact, I must have felt that way earlier in the day, when I was shopping, saw the gelato in the freezer section, and bought it on impulse.
This is something I often hear from people I work with who binge. They say they encounter so many people in their lives who make assumptions about their love of food and ability (or inability) to stay away from it, assuming they love it so much. When in fact, their relationship with it has become so mired in shame and guilt that they actually hate it. It’s so much more complex than what meets the eye.
I love how you articulated the point in the last paragraph. I’ve really struggled to explain to people who don’t face these issues that it’s not about the food, it’s about the numbing/escape/distraction the food can give. It’s difficult for people to understand!
goodness, karen, ain’t it the truth? i talked about being afraid of food in my last post, actually, and i’m writing currently about how i’m struggling to know when i’m hungry and full. you’re a few steps ahead of me, it seems, which gives me tremendous hope. it is possible to just know and to respond in kind. thanks for this, friend! keep doing what you’re doing!
I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to know in absolute terms whether we’re hungry or full…and the fact is, it can change over time or be based on a variety of factors. As I said in the post, I have experimented with it and it helped…
Like others have said, I love how you put it in the last paragraph. I understand this very well. Unfortunately understanding alone rarely overcomes the problem. That, I think, is what many of my friends and family struggle with as they stand with me. I understand that complex relationship between food and emotions exists–that it is rarely because I’m presented with food I love or that I am actually needing sustenance. It is self soothing, a broken coping mechanism. And I can articulate my understanding pretty well. Overcoming it, however, is another journey (I almost said battle) altogether. It is frustrating for myself and I believe it is doubly so for those with whom I share my life.
Thanks for sharing Karen. I am committed to finding ways of working past this food-emotion connection and I am glad to have your example.
I can really relate to “knowing” something but at the same time not knowing how to live it. Hindsight is powerful and so I can look back now and see how it’s been a process of knowing versus “not knowing” and then “knowing.” Does that make sense?