This is the hardest and strangest post I’ve ever written.
I need to start with my anxiety and vomit phobia, because I’ve written about that recently. I’ve seen my therapist three or four times and there’s been a lot of getting-to-know-you conversation, which is what I expected, although I had been hoping for some useful tools or methods for dealing with it.
Then on Tuesday something upsetting occurred, which resulted in me having to quickly and forcefully reestablish a boundary I was hoping not to need. I am not going to write about that, however. Suffice it to say that it was painful and scary, but at the same time I am proud of myself for how I handled it, without any drama, finger-pointing, or anger. It was a HUGE step for me and as painful as it was, I felt like something had shifted, like a weight had been lifted.
On Thursday morning (New Year’s Eve Eve) I called my Dad and had a wonderful talk with him. I am not sure if I have shared this here, but my Dad also struggled with anxiety and panic attacks. And he had the same specific phobia. We often joked about it and traded stories that would make other people cringe, but he got it. He got me. He also felt guilty because he thought it was his fault, that he’d “given” it to me.
That evening I was feeling peaceful and energetic and ready for the new year. I decided to clean out and rearrange my office. I was in bed by 10 p.m.
At midnight I awoke feeling strange. I was very hot and felt very bad. I got up to go to the bathroom and the next thing I knew, I could hear my husband’s voice calling my name and I could feel his hands on me but he seemed to be very far away. I had passed out cold and was flat on my face on the bathroom floor! As I came to, I had an overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels, which I did a couple of times (thankfully on the toilet). Then came the cold sweat.
I knew what was coming but I felt strangely at peace. My husband brought me a blanket and a pillow and I waited on the bathroom floor. A little while later…maybe an hour? The phone rang. Tim answered it and I could tell something was wrong. Someone was in the hospital. My Dad had a massive heart attack. We were told it would be a matter of hours before he died.
I laid there, sick on the floor. I heard what Tim said and I fully grasped the situation, but I didn’t feel anything other than calm. A little while later I sat up and vomited into the toilet several times. It wasn’t that bad. I almost laughed when I was done. Tim was standing at the door and I said, “It’s okay. I’m okay. What a tribute to my Dad, eh?”
After a while I called my father’s wife. She said he was still hanging in there but that there was no hope. I tried to comfort her as best I could. I had started to feel better, physically, but the impact of what she said was finally sinking in. I hung up and went back to bed and cried. I stayed awake, waiting for the call.
At one point I called his wife and asked her to hold the phone up to his ear so I could say goodbye. I told him how much I loved him and that I would miss him so much. I told him it was okay to go and I thanked him for making it okay. Because there really isn’t any other way to describe what happened and how it felt. As my father lay dying, he reached out through time and space to make it okay for me to vomit.
Dad finally died late in the afternoon on New Year’s Eve.
“Everything works out the way it is supposed to.” ~ Christopher Roberts Coxe 3/31/35 – 12/31/10
It does indeed, Dad and I love you!!
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m sorry to hear about your dad. Your family’s im my thoughts.
Karen,
My dear sweet friend.
I hope, somehow, you can feel my hugs.
Much love!
Sweet mercy, I just can’t find the words Karen. This is the most amazing miracle. It’s so raw and strange and utterly beautiful. Thank you for sharing yourself in this way.
I am continuing to send love and light your way…
My deepest sympathies, Karen ((hugs)). I had an eerily similar experience when my f-i-l had a heart attack. Your post got me in the chest because it brought it all back. Wow. My best to you.
I love your dad too.
I promise my mom is showing him the ropes and taking him to where the super hero capes are waiting for him to don.
I love you.
I promise you’re going to be more than okay.
grace, peace, healing comes in the most unexpected ways.
hugs my dear…hugs.
wow, this just gave me chills.
I am so sorry for your loss, I am sending many virtual hugs and tears thru this computer.
Thank you so much for sharing. The only experience close to that I have had is when my dog passed and she came to me and made it ok to cry, and that amazing moment made me way more open to the spirit in al living things. xo
So sorry to hear of your loss, and also touched by the fact that something so painful for both of you seemed to resolve during this time.
Oh Karen…(((hugs))), my friend. There are no words – thank you SO much for being willing to share this. It’s an amazing piece. Blessings to you, with peace, grace and joy in abundance.
Oh I SO get this tribute. Yes! So get this!
And everything DOES work out as it is suppose to….
HUGS!
(((Karen))) You are so right. He “made it okay.” And he’s given you a new life chapter, and kicked open a new door in your new year. Like the song says, “It’s a love without end, Amen.”
I love you. You know that. Your Dad knew how much you love him, and he loved you, more than life. As a parent, I know this.
Love and light Karen. I see the dichotomy so well in your words. It’s no doubt the hardest of times and yet it’s the simplest. All it requires is letting go. Your body knew.
Karen, I don’t quite know what to say — this post is so very sad, and yet so beautiful. Sending you warm, loving thoughts, friend.
Karen, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I’m sure your Dad would “get” the tribute. Sending you lots of hugs and strength my friend.
Karen I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Weird how things work isn’t it? But you are right everything works our the way it’s suppose to. Hope you’re doing ok, big hug my friend.
This post brought tears to my eyes..beautiful
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing yourself so openly with us.
I’m so, so very sorry for your loss. Many hugs to you.
Thinking of you and your family Karen. Your honesty is so beautiful and your love for him so big and real.
Amazing story Karen…and in sharing it…a wonderful tribute to your father. Keep writing…you have a gift and one that your father would want you to share. You have both my deepest sympathy and sincerest admiration. M2
I am so sorry for your loss. You’re strength is an inspiration. You and your family will be in my thoughts.
Karen,
Your post is beautiful. It reminded me of when I lost my Dad last February. He gave me such a gift as a father, he made it so OK for me that I found the strength to honor him with a beautiful Eulogy at his funeral.
May the love of your father shine on you each and every day.
Ann
thinking of you today and in the days to come, karen. i will hold you and your family in the light as you begin to imagine life without your father. thank you for sharing your experience here.
Karen, I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss. This story is amazing. I am astonished by your bravery, strength, and vulnerability. Thank you for sharing. You and your family are in my heart and prayers. xoxoxox
Karen, I was so sorry to hear about the loss of your father, but so glad you were at peace with it even in the moment and could even find humor in the chain of events. Surely that made him smile too!
Karen this story gave me chills. It is truely amazing how everything works together for the good. I hold you and yours in the light my friend…”everything goin’ be alright now”
Karen, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. And I am still amazed at the strange beauty and peace of this story. It’s really quite incredible.
Karen,
I’m holding you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Much peace to you, as you hold onto the memories of this dear man…your father…
Peace and love,
Lance
My thoughts are with you, Karen.
My thoughts are with you, my dear friend.
I am glad you have been able to find peace in this, with both your dad and your anxiety.
I’m here when you need me.
I’m so sorry about your dad, but I love how you were able to recognize his last gift to you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Katie
That is so strange yet powerful. I am very sorry for you loss.
Karen, I am so sorry to hear you lost your dad. And yet, what a wonderful gift he gave you as he took his leave – the ability to slowly (maybe permanently?) let go of a phobia that has troubled you for a long time. I hope for much comfort and peace for you and all of your dad’s loved ones as you remember his life and mourn his loss.
What a beautiful and moving tribute to your father. I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts will be with you during this difficult time. You have an entire online community here whenever you want us.
Strange things do happen I believe, when people we love leave this world. Either that or we are extremely aware to circumstance. All I know is that when my father passed away, a clock he had been working on for months in his bedroom began running, and it continued to run for 3 days. My sister and I still think of that and it’s been 11 years since dad’s passing….kind of a ‘goodbye, I’ll be all right’ type thing.
Whatever brings your comfort is what you will cling to during this terrible time. I’m so sorry and will be thinking of you. My sincere condolences.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been following your updates on how you’re doing on FB. Eerily I got that same call on NYE 2000 about my grandpa who was like a father to me. Almost identical. I’m so grateful you’ve experienced some peace through this. When you’re feeling that pain and then the endorphins rush in, the peace is like none other. Much love and peace to you!
Oh Karen, I am just getting caught with blog reading, and am so sorry for the loss of your Father. I know some people might not get it, but I found this tribute to your Dad very touching and poignant.
Healing hugs,
Loretta
=^..^=
I am so late to the comments here.. somehow I can never remember the name of you blog.. SORRY!
Sending more HUGS than possible across the web… I have lost both my parents & other close relatives so all I can say is feeling is OK & do what is right & good for you..
HUGS!
Karen, I too am late catching up to my reading.
I’m so sorry you lost your dad, and so glad, that you got to say goodbye, that your dad helped you when you needed him. He still will be there to help you, you know, just in a different way. ~hugs~
Hey! I couldn’t find your email address, but I wanted to let you know that I gave you the Stylish Blogger Award today on my blog. I love your site and everything you write!
I am sincerely sorry to read of your loss Karen. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
This sounds so traumatic and yet peace oozes through your words. This comment is late, seeing I just met you, but wanted to click through from the previous post and say sorry for your loss.
Thank you…I was most definitely my father’s daughter and the loss was/is hard for me. But I am peaceful about it too…
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