June 2010

So the other night, I told my husband about my previous blog post and tried to explain why I had written it. I sort of rolled my eyes at myself. And I realized that I need to explore this a little more.

Although I have charged myself with two things…

Practice don’t preach

and

Be for not against

…it doesn’t mean that I won’t get angry…or that I think I shouldn’t get angry, although I did have a momentary and saintly vision of myself having risen above any and all anger for ever and ever.

But still there was a disconnect. Even though I acknowledged that getting angry is okay, there was a part of me that really doesn’t think it is.

One thing I have realized over the past few years is that I need to better understand and deal with, not only my own anger (and other “negative” emotions), but others’ anger, as well. I also wonder, why this is so important to me? Why does it feel like walking a tight rope? Why do I expect myself to be perfect in this regard? And why am I so confused? (I think it’s because, as in many families, not to mention society, these things were not modeled for me in a healthy way.)

The crux of the matter is that I feel bad when I stand up for myself. I feel guilty when I disagree. I don’t like being angry. I think on some level I view being angry as putting bad karma out into the universe, which, in turn, will cause more wars. Or something.

When I was younger, I wasn’t very good at getting angry. I’d either stuff it or let it out destructively. I never felt okay after being angry. And more recently, I have thought that in order to be “evolved,” I must either never get angry…or figure out how to quickly change anger into tolerance. Or something.

The other day I got very angry with the folks who live next door. As they do every year, they hired a landscaping company to clean up their garden and pool area, which is just only a few feet from our yard and house and separated only by a wooden fence.

In any case, I went outside and noted that my car was covered with dust and dirt…at first I didn’t know why and then I saw clouds of dust and dirt billowing up over the fence, caused by the guys doing the work. They were using a leaf blower to “clean” out the flowerbeds and pool deck.

Man I was pissed off!!

My first reaction was to bitch and moan (I happened to have guests visiting) about what a lazy SOB our neighbor is, and I went on to list all the reasons I don’t like him. The fact is, this guy did something pretty bad, before we moved here, and ever since we learned about it, we’ve had a not-so-nice nickname for him.

Then I went over to the fence and called across to the guy with the leaf blower and said: “HEY!! You’re blowing dirt all over my car!!” He responded that he’d have it cleaned for me. And I said “yeah, but that’s not the point…why do you have to blow all the dirt from over there, to over here? Just stop with the blowing!”

I went back inside and railed against how nasty I think leaf blowers are in general. They’re loud and all they do is move dirt around…spew it into the air and make problems for other people. Damnit. And then the blowing got louder and I looked out the window and saw that leaf-blower-guy was blowing the dirt off my car.

And I continued to go on an on about the neighbor.

And then the doorbell rang. It was my neighbor and I was immediately worried that he had heard me bashing him. He apologized and offered to have my car washed. I was pleasant and said it wasn’t necessary, and repeated what I said to leaf-blower-guy…that it was the principle of it. And he said that he wants to make sure he’s a good neighbor…blah blah blah.

After my guests left, I brought the whole situation to Facebook, writing a status update about nasty old leaf blowers and how I was pissed at the neighbor and why. One friend commented that at least he made an offer to clean my car. I went on to say that it wasn’t just my car…there was dirt and dust all over our patio and it had blown in through the windows. I even took pictures!! I don’t want them coming in my house to clean up their mess…why didn’t they just know better not to have someone use a leaf blower so close to someone else’s house?

And finally, I decided to delete the post.

Later that afternoon, my neighbor and his wife came over again to apologize and to offer to “make it right.” And I felt stupid and guilty. And still a little miffed. And hypocritical.

I realized that the degree to which I was angry had something to do with the fact that I don’t like this guy and what he did once (even though it had nothing to do with me or anyone I know). I also realized that my anger should have been directed at the landscaper, not my neighbor.

So, I still want to try and live my life practicing not preaching, and being for not against, but I will add one more thing: it’s okay to get angry and express myself, but I will strive to be productive, not destructive, with my anger.

And, as usual, when the student is ready, the teacher appears and I saw this article online: “What Most People Don’t Know About Anger,” by Harriet Lerner (who wrote a book called The Dance of Anger, which my sister recommended just as I was telling her about the article, not realizing it was written by the same person!).

In the article, Lerner writes: “Unfortunately, few of use anger productively. Instead we do two unhealthy things with anger. First we may avoid anger and conflict at all costs. We are the peacemakers, the accommodators, the steadiers of rocked boats. Or, we may do the opposite. We get angry with ease, but getting angry is getting nowhere. We get caught in endless cycles of fighting, complaining and blaming that only make things worse.”

Lerner provides some great tips to first identify the true sources of our anger and to change our own steps in the patterns from which our anger springs. So now that I know better, I can do better. I also expect that it will not be a smooth, effortless process that I will “get” right away. And that’s okay.

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I haven’t had much to say lately. I think it’s because I’m not full of angst (angst usually results in copious amounts of writing). I am at peace – emotionally, mentally, and physically (with the exception of a few hormone-fueled days per month). I am not obsessing about food, weight, measurements, or how much exercise I am getting.

And now that I feel better, I am doing better. Without the angst and obsession I am able to be more objective. But at the same time, there’s a tiny voice that sometimes whispers, “Why bother? What if you lose the 20 pounds you gained, only to regain them again?? What then?”

But really? That voice is oh-so-faint I can barely hear it.

I’ve also realized that telling my sad, pathetic story over and over again gets tiring, boring, and after a while, it becomes kind of funny. I think that’s actually the point. After a while, my sad, pathetic story starts to sound silly to me. BUT! But, I had to tell over and over again it in order to get to that point.

But even more than that, I think I am going through a shift of sorts. A shift away from what’s going on inside me to what’s going on around me.

All of this has me thinking about how I want to be in the world…not “who” but “how.” Remember when I wrote about in A Double Whammy: Part 1?

In an email conversation with my sister I said this:

One of the reasons I feel so torn is because I now understand that as passionately and fervently as I might believe something to be true, so does someone else who might feel differently…and just as I don’t want to feel demeaned/stupid/rejected for what I believe, I don’t want anyone else to feel that way for what they believe. And I don’t want to participate in discussions or actions that leave anyone feeling demeaned/stupid/rejected. And yeah, I know that each of us is ultimately in control of how we feel. I subscribe to the “no-one-can-make-you-feel-X” school of thought.

When there are “sides” it’s hard not to take issue with viewpoints that seem to be designed to be hurtful and/or might come from a place of disrespect and/or might be petty and shallow. And when there are “sides” both sides feel that the other side is being that way, intentionally or not. And so the person on side A, who is taking a stand because he/she believes that it’s the right thing to do, to combat the larger thing that he/she thinks is hurtful to many, is doing it for the same reasons the person on side B.

And my sister, in all her wisdom, responded:

So if you are person C you have to decide what that all means for you and how you want to be in the world as a result.

And so I’ve been thinking about it. A lot. I am not 100% clear about how it looks yet, but it comes down to one basic premise:

Practice, don’t preach.

With this as a secondary, but equally desirable way of being:

Be for, not against.

I often find myself being in love with the concept but not knowing exactly how to live it. Or maybe it’s more like loving the concept but being human and sometimes making a mistake. Either way, I can try. And I plan to devote some blog posts to my efforts, whether I consider them to be successful or not.

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So back in April I wrote a post about wanting to kick it up a notch (exercise-wise) because I was feeling better. I wrote:

“My plan is to continue kickboxing three times a week and add strength training and light cardio on two to three other days, with one or two days “off.” I don’t want to commit to something that I know I can’t, or won’t want to, sustain. That has been a problem for me in the past, and not just as it concerns exercise and activity, but in other areas of my life too. And there was always the inevitable disappointment and feelings of failure when I ended up either not being able, or not wanting, to continue.”

And then I wrote about the fact that it appeared Lyme disease wasn’t quite done with me, but that I wasn’t going to let it stop me. I did another month-long round of homeopathic Lyme remedy and continued to do what I could.

I kickboxed three times a week and thought about strength training but didn’t do it.

Then I discovered kettlebells. My massage therapist told me that her son had become a certified personal trainer and that he uses kettlebells exclusively to help people with their fitness, strength, and weight loss/gain goals. A friend also mentioned that she had been using them and found that they were quite easy on the body, impact-wise. I was intrigued. I made an appointment with the trainer and decided to commit to training three times a week.

In the six weeks that I have been training I’ve made what I consider to be amazing progress in terms of strength and ability. I also notice nice changes in the shape of my body and the way my clothes fit me. And, most importantly, I notice that my joint and tendon pain has improved. I am not in as much pain as I was.

In an effort to help my trainer promote his business, I wrote the following press release for him and thought I’d share it here for informational purposes.

ACSM Certified Personal Trainer Ian McClenny is bringing a little bit of Russia to Southeastern Connecticut. His new company, Physical Culture LLC, specializes in using kettlebells to help clients achieve their strength training, cardiovascular, and weight (loss or gain) goals.

What are kettlebells? Shaped like a cannonball with a handle, kettlebells are cast iron weights that have been used for hundreds of years by Red Army athletes and soldiers for total body conditioning. Pavel Tsatsouline, a former Russian special-forces trainer now based in St. Paul, MN, is credited with bringing kettlebell training to this country.

McClenny, who himself uses kettlebells exclusively to train, plans to achieve Russian Kettlebell Challenge (RKC) certification through Dragon Door, a company Tsatsouline formed in 1998.

McClenny’s simple, honest, and down-to-earth approach to fitness is appealing to men and women of all ages and his coaching style is non-threatening. “If you want a tough, boot-camp-style workout, I’ll give it to you, but kettlebell training is not about hurting yourself or working out to failure,” McClenny explains. “It’s about overall functional strength, balance, and grace. And unlike other forms of exercise, injuries are not an accepted part of kettlebell training.”

He adds that people who train with kettlebells often find that performing well at other sports comes more easily.

McClenny says that kettlebell training strengthens every muscle in the body, but unlike traditional strength training, does not isolate muscle groups. Multiple muscle groups are worked together. He adds that the dynamic kettlebell movements help to keep the heart rate up, which translates to excellent fat loss. “I’d say it’s one of the most efficient forms of cardio because it naturally incorporates high-intensity intervals.”

And other benefit McClenny cites is that training with kettlebells is not only easy on joints and tendons (“It’s not a high impact workout,” he says), it also helps strengthen joints and tendons. “With traditional strength training, joints, tendons, and muscles go through one range of motion. With most kettlebell techniques, there is also a rotational movement so muscles, joints and tendons are brought through several degrees of motion.”

As someone who trains with kettlebells every day, McClenny proudly says, “I am what I do.” And he’s excited and ready to help his clients achieve their fitness and strength goals.

You can find Ian on Facebook: Physical Culture

Additional information on the benefits of kettlebell training can be found here:

“Kettlebells: Twice The Results in Half the Time?” (an American Council on Exercise study)

“Metabolic Demand Of A Kettlebell Workout Routine” (a St. Cloud University Study)

“Extra-Strength Exercise” (June 2010 More magazine):

“Top 10 Benefits of Kettlebell Training (and 40 Extra Reasons)” (by Michael George, Riverside Kettlebells)

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“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.” ~ Winston Churchill

“Don’t let the negativity given to you by the world disempower you. Instead give to yourself that which empowers you.” ~ Les Brown

“Always look for the best in people, for if you do you will find it. The looking creates what you are looking for; the way in which we behave when we look for the best produces a different result from the way in which we behave when we look for something else (like the worst). Quantum mechanics operates on the human scale, too.” ~ from Vivid

What an honor and surprise to receive this award from Trish at I Am Succeeding!

As per the guidelines for accepting this award…

Seven Things You Might Not Know About Me

1. I am not a leader or a follower.

2. I’ve moved 25 times in my life and have lived in 13 different towns/cities in CT.

3. I had Bell’s Palsy when I was four and half my face was paralyzed for a while.

4. I spent 17 years writing about the plastics industry.

5. When I was 25 I married a guy from Brazil so he could get a green card. At the time I had convinced myself that he really loved me.

6. I don’t have any hobbies and I used to think there was something wrong with me because I didn’t. Now I don’t care :-)

7. When I feel like crying, I can’t stop myself no matter what.

Paying It Forward These bloggers are beautiful!

All Things Power
Half Of Jess
Fancy Pantalons
Skinny Emmie
T’s Journey From Fat To Figure

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