November 2010

So here I am, continuing to lose inches off my waist (six gone…and counting), and I just realized something: because I am not afraid of food any more, I am enjoying it a lot more!!

In the past couple of months I’ve been enjoying dessert once or twice a week, a glass of wine with dinner, sometimes a piece of bread with butter, or a snack of, say, pretzels and hummus in the afternoon when I find myself (truly) hungry. And I really enjoy these things…they taste good and satisfy me. And when I am done, I am done.

And then there are times when I just need to eat more, for whatever reason. I and eat until I am satisfied.

I went through a period of time during the summer when I was…experimenting. I think that’s the right word. I was testing myself and my feelings around food and hunger. Sometimes I’d worry if I thought I was hungry when I “shouldn’t” be. Sometimes I’d have a slightly “rebellious” feeling if I was eating something I thought I “shouldn’t.” But slowly, those feelings are going away and are being replaced with enjoyment and satisfaction.

You’d think that someone who overeats/binges is doing so because they really love food…but that’s not the case, at least it wasn’t for me. I overate/binged out of shame, guilt, anger, and anxiety – to numb – and that’s not enjoyable at all!

Huh!

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Yeah, I tend to be pretty serious but I do have a silly, spontaneous side, too. And so when Joy of Being Joy asked me and some other bloggers if we wanted to dance with her, I said, “sure, why the hell not?”

This was the result:

Dynamite Dance with Dynamite Friends from Joy Tanksley on Vimeo.

Thanks Joy, Katie (Health For The Whole Self) and Mara (Medicinal Marzipan), for the dance. It was so much fun and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

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I happened to come across an amazing video of a talk given by Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, Graduate College of Social Work.

It was this video that prompted me to choose the word “vulnerable” (or “vulnerability”) for the second installment of Self Discovery, Word by Word. I encourage you to watch it.

I think there’s a lot of power in being vulnerable…it’s what I do here with this blog and it has helped me in ways I never would have expected. In particular, being vulnerable has shown me that my feelings cannot destroy me. I can be with my feelings, positive or negative, and not need to turn to food (or shopping or alcohol).

Being vulnerable is healing. I have found that when I allow myself to vulnerable, I am – paradoxically – powerful.

Thank you to all the wonderful and inspiring bloggers who allowed themselves to be vulnerable by participating in this powerful exercise!

The posts are presented in the order in which I received them:

Megan @ Ascension Blog ~ Vulnerability

Christie @ Honoring Health ~ You May Not Know That…

Katie @ Health For The Whole Self ~ On Being Naked: The Great Paradox of Vulnerability

Sue @ Angelic Insights ~ Vulnerability

Cammy @ Building Beauty Beyond Body ~ Vulnerability

Tina @ Faith Fitness Fun ~ The Beauty in Being Vulnerable

Heather @ Jumbling Towers ~ Love, Mental Illness, and Vulnerability

Patricia at Eclectic Eating Chicago ~ I am Vulnerable

Ashley @ Nourishing The Soul ~ The Illusion of Control

Damon @ Being Da Man, Ain’t Easy ~ Being A Vulnerable Man – It’s Easy

Mara @ Medicinal Marzipan ~ the one where I get really vulnerable

Joy @ Being Joy ~ Vulnerability Isn’t A Choice

Margarita @ Weightless ~ Vulnerability & The Mask of Thinness

Jules @ Big Girl Bombshell ~ Vulnerability = POWER

Janet @ Health MiSfitS ~ Control or Vulnerability: Can We Choose?

Rosie @ Rosie Is A Loser ~ My Vulnerabilities Exposed

Taron @ Mindy, Body & Scroll ~ Vulnerability: Being Broken Isn’t So Bad

Dorry @ Living With Healthy Hunger ~ Vulnerability

For another interesting article on how to become more vulnerable (and why it is important), please visit Live Strong

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…because there is no going back.

I turned 48 last week and for the first time in my life I felt bit­ter­sweet about my birthday…not just sweet. I have always loved my birth­day (and I still do…it always feels like a day that is ripe with promise and #48 was no excep­tion).

But.

But there was also some­thing unfa­mil­iar with #48 and in the days and weeks leading up to it I finally came to the real­iza­tion that what I was feeling was a sense of loss. We lose our lives because we spend our lives and I have probably spent more than half my life by now.

And so it was with that in the back of my mind that I blurted out to a friend, “but you can’t take a step backward…there is no backsliding…it’s impossible!” I said this in response to her telling me that the evening before she felt she had eaten “too much” of the “wrong” foods.

“Did I take step backwards?” she wondered?

Even when it feels like we’ve failed, we’re still making progress and moving forward.

And then it occurred to me that there really is no deadline for the journey, even though SMART goal-setters would like us to have one. I mean, yeah, if you want to run a 5K or if you’re writing an article for publication, there will be a deadline.

But as I have said here way too many times, I don’t like setting goals related to achieving a healthy weight and maybe it’s because I don’t think there should be a deadline. How many of us have done that before, set a goal weight and a deadline by which to reach it, only to not reach it, or reach it then wonder, “now what?” or reach it and then regain and start the whole process over again?

Talk about pressure! And that’s not to say that pressure is a bad thing, but I think we’re all better served when we learn when pressure works and when it doesn’t.

As a writer, I have a love/hate relationship with deadlines but I know they work for me.

I love/hate them because they give me a time frame (“love” knowing that there’s an end date, “hate” because I often don’t want to let go).

And I love/hate them because they put pressure on me (“love” the pressure because it is part of the creative process, “hate” the pressure because it’s stressful and uncomfortable).

As someone striving for a fit, healthy body, I have learned that deadlines do not work (for me). In fact, the other day someone on an online fitness support forum asked me if I was “in maintenance” meaning, I suppose, had I reached my goal weight? I think the reason she asked is because unlike many other people who post there, I don’t talk about actively losing weight.

In response I wrote: “I don’t know how I’d classify myself…I guess I’m just inching towards better. Better health, better life…happiness, peace. And I have faith that my body will respond in kind…so far, so good. I stopped making weight loss a priority a while ago, hoping (and now knowing) that my body would release what it doesn’t need.”

Do you have a deadline?

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