December 2010

I have an intricate, diverse family. There are steps and halves all over the place. And step steps and halved halves. But it’s all family and in the end, it’s all about love.

2010

My stepmother, who is no longer married to my father, took the photo above and wrote the poem below about the photo that was taken at my wedding, 13 years ago…and it holds true today, no matter who’s in the current “photo.”

Wedding Picture

There we are at my step-daughter’s
wedding. That’s me in the pale yellow
dress, in front of my husband and beside
my step-daughter’s mother. That’s my
step-daughter, on the other side of her
mother and next to her new husband. To
my left, here, this is my son, then comes
my daughter, then my step-daughter’s
adopted brother. Next to him is his
step-mother, who is my step-daughter’s
step-father’s new wife: that’s this person, here;
she is next to my step-daughter’s step-father.
Over here, on the other side: these are two of
my step-daughter’s new step-kids. The
others, here, are now my step-daughter’s
in-laws. So that’s the picture. That’s the
photograph. The people come out through
the development process. So does the
scenery. Not everything comes that way.
Shimmering unseen between us, there, with
our separations colliding, is something
additional. From, or into, each of us, and
tumbling around the corners of all things
known, invisibly, inscrutably, comes joy.

~ Elizabeth Elder

1997

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Maybe I’m just in a mood, but I’m getting tired of all the how-to talk about there. You know what I’m talking about…

How To Approach Holiday Eating

Strategies For Weight Loss During The Holidays

10 Ways To Avoid Holiday Weight Gain

Holiday Weight Loss Tips

Weight Management Tips For Surviving The Feasting Season

And even this!!

How To Drop A Dress Size By Tonight

Seriously??

Is it just me or does all of this sound desperate? Does it make you feel relaxed and happy or worried and scared? With all the how to how to how to it’s no wonder we feel that we can’t trust ourselves. As if a list of tips we’ve seen a million times or more is going solve all our problems overnight, because after all, if we could just get skinny, or at least not gain an ounce over the holidays, then life would be perfect, right?

Don’t get me wrong…that used to be me. Food was the enemy and all I wanted was to look like a supermodel. I was either in the midst of that same desperation, white-knuckling it and trying to control myself or I was thinking, “You can’t control me! Bring on the food, what a great excuse to overeat.”

Either way, I was not enjoying myself or what I was eating. And all the “how to” lists in the world wouldn’t have made a difference.

It’s funny how food goes from being the center of the universe when we’re abusing it, to being the center of the universe when we’re trying to lose weight. But what if food isn’t the center of the universe? What if the way our bodies looked wasn’t as important as how our bodies felt…or how we felt about our bodies? This is what I always wanted to believe but felt wasn’t possible.

Until I found out that it is, indeed possible. And here’s the secret: it’s not about being in control, it’s about not needing to be in control.

I understand that I am not you. I get that you may wish and dream for different things than I do. I realize that the way my body looks and feels might now be how you want your body to look and feel. I get it.

But even so, what would it look like if you didn’t need control? What would you look like? How would you feel?

I realize that I am only an expert when it comes to what “works” for me, but I believe that this is possible for all of us. Rely on yourself. Have patience with yourself. Accept yourself. Trust your intuition and your intention. Relax. Breathe. And remember, anything done out of desperation usually backfires.

My wish for you above all else: peace.

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Courtesy of www.brenebrown.com

“If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way – especially shame, fear, and vulnerability.” ~ Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

That’s pretty much what I have been doing here, right? Yes, but not fully.

I’ve always believed that addressing my “issues” would help me get my eating “under control” in order for me to lose weight. Because of this, I have never been afraid of getting counseling. There was never anything that I was afraid to discuss. I relished “going there” even if it meant crying my eyes out.

I still think that. Any time I have taken the opportunity to become more self-aware – even if it was painful – it has paid off.

That whole paradigm has shifted significantly, however, and now I find myself scared and unsure, as if I am walking along the edge of a cliff on a dark, foggy night. I know plenty of people who have feared counseling for this very reason but I never understood it until now. As long as I was using food to numb my fear and anxiety, I could talk about my issues and cry cry cry. But now that I’m not numb, I feel truly vulnerable. I have to face something that, until now, I’ve been terrified to face and I’m not even sure exactly what “it” is!

You’d think I would have figured this out a long time ago – that I was using food to keep my anxiety at bay – before I actually stopped using food. But it appears to be the opposite. My “weight” – whether up or down – was both a symbol and a symptom of my anxiety.

I don’t mean to make this sound all dramatic doom and gloom because, as scared as I am, I am also excited. The stronger and healthier I become, the deeper I can dig – I know my feelings can’t destroy me. I’m okay with being uncomfortable…scared even.

I had my first appointment with my new therapist. Her name is Dee Dee and I think we’re going to work well together. As someone else suggested to me, she asked me to consider that I’ve probably been anxious my whole life.

The whole “other people throwing up” phobia is just where I place all of my anxiety.  Sometimes objects or situations that trigger anxiety represent all the other things in our lives over which we have no control. And if we allowed ourselves to become anxious over all of those things than we’d truly become incapacitated. And so we transfer our worries and anxieties onto one thing. It makes sense.

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Courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/johnjoh/448665548/

It’s the worst it’s ever been and it’s why I haven’t been writing much.

Everywhere I turn, I hear about someone having a “stomach bug” and each and every time it adds a layer of panic. Our local newspaper had blurbs, TWICE, about how the stomach bug is spreading and how to be “mindful” about preventing its spread. It’s crazy making. And my poor husband, who has been traveling around the country for two weeks, came down with a bad cold and of course what happens? All I can think about is that he’s about to puke. And I checkcheckcheckcheck. How do you feel? How about now? Is it your stomach? Are you sure? Last night I slept on the couch for crying out loud! I had to knock myself out with Benadryl! This NOT acceptable!

ARRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!

I started reading and working through the Anxiety & Phobia Workbook but it’s not helping. It’s overwhelming and seems to be making me feel worse. So I decided to find a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. I have an appointment in two days. Looking for a therapist and then making the call didn’t make me feel better either. I had hoped it would.

And worst of all? Being this way makes me feel ashamed. And it’s annoying to those I love. I HATE being this way. Everyone else seems to be relaxed and enjoying themselves and the upcoming holiday and I have a freaking pit in my stomach. I don’t think it’s a holiday thing…I think it’s a winter, hormonal thing that’s getting worse as I get older. @@ <—–that’s me rolling my eyes at myself.

And so until I can get more help (which scares me on some weird level) I practice deep breathing and EFT, try to come up with positive counter-statements, have my SAD lamp on, and I exercise (it really is amazing how swinging a kettlebell soothes the nerves).

And then? I got my period…two weeks late! And voila, I feel better. But seriously? Could this all be driven by hormones? By winter?

One thing I am finding interesting is that there are many similar traits between people who suffer with anxiety and people (well, at least me) who struggle(d) with their weight. I hate to even admit this, but with my anxiety going through the roof, my appetite has been non-existant. I can’t eat…much. It’s not something I am celebrating, but with my past not-so-distant, I can’t not think about it and have a sense of…pride? That I haven’t been able to eat.

One thing for I know for sure: my desire to address this is greater than my fear of addressing it.

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