The lesson I’m in the process of learning is this: every once in a while I have to test things out. I look at it as putting my toe in the waters of old behaviors. I do it to remind myself of where I’ve been and where I am now. I do it to see what will happen, to see how it feels. It’s a little uncomfortable, but I’ve come to believe that it’s necessary.
Goldfish crackers are a symbolic food for me.
At one time they were irresistible. I’d buy them almost every time I shopped. I’d start eating them on the way home from the store and finish them at home. On one level I knew I was bingeing, but my awareness about why, and how it ultimately made me feel, was very low. It’s only in hindsight that I can see the cycle of lack of self-acceptance leading to bingeing leading to weight gain leading to self-hatred and around again.
As my awareness was heightened, I decided that I shouldn’t have Goldfish crackers, that I just couldn’t control myself if they were around. But that didn’t stop me, every once in a while, from bingeing on them. I just didn’t do it as often. But when I went to the store, I had to white-knuckle it past the cracker and cookie aisle. Sometimes I would look at all the lovely Goldfish cracker bags and say to myself, “no no no!” and I’d be proud of myself if I withstood the temptation. Other times I’d give in. In hindsight, I see that this was not indicative of a “healthy relationship” with Goldfish crackers.
And then came the day when Goldfish crackers weren’t even a blip on my radar. I could walk past them in the store and notice them…or not. I went months and months without eating one tiny Goldfish cracker. I don’t want to say that I was “cured,” because by that time I realized that there’s no such thing.
A month or so ago I bought a bag because we had company and I thought it would make a nice little snack. I was secure in my healthy relationship with Goldfish crackers. I put them in the cupboard. I served them to my company. I had a handful myself. The rest of the bag went back into the cupboard and I ate them, one serving at a time (not directly out of the bag), over the course of week or so.
This past weekend, however, I decided to revisit the old behavior. I bought a bag of Goldfish crackers with the intention of eating them all by myself, by the handful and right out of the bag. For one half of one split second, I thought, “I shouldn’t do this.” But I put them in my grocery cart without a second thought. I brought them home and “hid” the bag in my desk drawer. I ate all the Goldfish in three separate sittings over the course of two days.
I have no judgment about it, just neutral observation. It was both mindless and mindful behavior. I feel no regret, no shame, or guilt…but nor do I feel happy, proud, or like I got away with something. I feel confident that I could buy another bag and leave it in the cupboard…and the Goldfish would not call out to me the way they used to do.
What food(s) are symbolic to you in this way? Have you ever tested yourself with them? How did you feel before, during and afterwards?
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