May 2011

In my Part 1 of my Fitbloggin commentary (aka the “Debbie Downer” post), I practiced feeling my not-so-nice feelings. In Part 2, I expressed the love in my heart. (Because, after all, not-so-nice feelings and love can exist in the same heart).

Part 3 is analysis and lessons learned.

The less I rely on food (or anything else) to numb me, the more aware I become. Awareness is not always comfortable in the moment. But “going there” is not as hard, in the end, as not “going there.”

Awareness leads to understanding, and understanding leads to love, and love is good :-)

So, there I was, feeling all those “shoulds” even though I had just gotten finished telling a whole room of people to stop should-ing all over themselves.

At the heart of it was this: I felt overwhelmed, distracted and like I couldn’t keep up. As a result, I felt like I was coming across as aloof and weird, even though others said I came across as warm, confident and genuine.

I am a sensitive, intuitive type. I am also extraverted. I love connecting in a meaningful way with people. I am also really good at “taking the temperature” of others…as a kid growing up in a sometimes violent, often conflict-filled environment, I had to be hyper-vigilant about other people’s emotions and energy so I could manage.

In large groups, however, it is impossible to do this, but it doesn’t stop me from trying…and that’s what caused my anxiety and weird feelings. It’s what made me feel as if I wasn’t connecting on the level I thought I should, and so I was a little hard on myself.

And the lesson learned? Old crap, old patterns, old thoughts, old behaviors will come up again and again. In order to be healthy, we must learn to accept this and let the icky stuff come up precisely so we can let it out (hmmmm…I wonder if there’s another lesson here for me, having to do my you-know-what anxiety).

And so this is what I did. I moped, I worried, I cried a few times, and wrote my Debbie Downer post. Up and out and gone. Until next time. It’s a continual awakening and a continual letting go…

A few short years ago, this experience would have been much different. I would have had all these feelings, with no awareness, and I would have stuffed them way down with a lot of food (and wine and shopping)…and then I would have felt guilt and shame and the pathetic cycle would continue and I would have no idea why.

I think we often believe that once we:

• lose the weight
• run the 5K (or the physical feat of your choice)
• haven’t binged in X days or weeks or months or even years!
• wear a certain size clothing
• haven’t eaten Goldfish crackers (or the “evil” food of your choice)
• (choose some other measurement of perceived perfection)

…we believe that we’re immune (well, that’s what *I* believed and that’s why I regained half the weight I had lost previously). Or we act out of fear and desperation because we know we’re not (fear and desperation are not fun).

So say it with me: It’s not about “never again” it’s about catching ourselves sooner!

Other random points floating around in my head:

• What I feel inside is not necessarily what others perceive.
• Decisions made while feeling “should” are generally not good decisions.
• Inspiration and wisdom comes in all shapes and sizes…and ages.
• Things work out the way they are supposed to.
• The size and shape of my body enhance my message.
• I don’t have to speak loudly or a lot to be heard.
• It’s good for me to get out of my head and into a huge group of people, especially people I admire.

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The previous post was brought to you by needy, insecure Karen. Feelings come up for a reason: so I can let them go. Letting go of old stuff doesn’t just happen once…it happens again and again and again.

So, now I can move on to the good stuff!

You know the feeling that your heart just can’t contain the amount of love you feel? That’s how I felt each and every time I met and connected with someone at Fitbloggin. For me, the event is all about the people (sure, the sessions and swag are part of the deal…and the sponsors were incredibly generous, but if it weren’t for the people, the sessions and swag would be pointless).

Here are some of the highlights:

Packing my kettlebells into the car (even though it’s a six-hour drive from New London to Baltimore, there’s no way I was going to fly with 122 pounds worth of kettlebells).

Hearing the song Dynamite and remembering my virtual dance with Mara (@MMarzipan), who I was going to be meeting for the first time! Yes I car-danced.

Driving over the Delaware Memorial Bridge and being reminded of Josie (@YumYucky), who lives in Delaware.

Arriving at the hotel and immediately seeing Kris (@Krazy_Kris) and Christie (@ChristieInge). And then hugging them. There was much hugging!

And then I was surrounded by Fitbloggers!! In no particular order: Tara (@tidbits_of_tara), Kat (@KatDoesDiets), Jess (@TooBig) and others! (To get a really good idea of what it was like, check out Tara’s video.

Heading off to the airport to pick up Susan (@FoodieMcBody) and then finding out that she’s run into Julie (@juliejulie) AND Mara and could I give them a ride too?? Absolutely!

Having Susan and Kris as roommates (yeah, this was late and we were in our pjs).

 

Spending quality time with Christie, with whom I’ve spend a lot of type Skyping and who has become a true friend.

Seeing Roni (@ronienoone) and meeting the Bean!

Talking with Beth (@bethsjourneytt) and realizing that we grew up in neighboring towns (but about 25 years apart)!

Getting a hug from Ryan (@nomorebacon) and Mrs. Nomo!

Seeing Alan (@sweating_it_off) across a crowded room and thinking, “gee, he’s just as handsome in real life as he is online.”

Having Sue (@MrsFatAss) NOT scream in my ear. ;-)

Trading “healing from Lyme disease” stories with Megan (@meganloses)

Getting to know Charlyn (@charliegirl2490) for reals after having made a super wonderful connection with her on Facebook.

Seeing Brittany (@GettinFitBritt) (and others) doing a 5K wearing a tutu!!

Being blown away by the poised and articulate powerhouse that is Kenlie (@alltheweigh)

Talking with Tara and Jennette (@jennettefulda) about writing and publishing books.

Demonstrating kettlebell techniques with Lisa (@WorkoutMommy) and Jenn (@GirlHero) while wearing “the shirt.” And I will never forget showing Jack (@JackSht) my snatch ;-)

Later that evening…

Watching the incredible, courageous and moving one-person performances of Paolo (@paolo) and Susan (they basically brought their blogs to life on stage).

Talking with one of the most genuine people on this earth Tracey (@tjstestkitchen).

Participating on the “Ditch The Diet” Shauna (@Shauna), Christie, and Katie Heddleston (@katieheddleston) and then being overwhelmed with the HUGE number of positive Tweets before, during, and after! You can read a full transcript of the session here (there are some misquotes, but you’ll get an overall feel for how the session went).

Spending tine with Dawn, who I’ve known for nearly nine years from our time together at eDiets.

Getting to know Jenn (@PriorFatGirl) better (I had met her last year).

An impromptu wine and cheese party in our room AND swinging kettlebells in the hallway!

The calming wonderful presence of Carla (@MizfitOnline)

Hearing Kirsten (@girlsworld) say that food is fuel and seeing her do one-armed pushups!

Anda’s (@LeavingFatville) Great Clothing Exchange!

Seeing Robby (@fatgirlvsworld) shine in the spotlight!

Sitting in the coffee shop on Sunday morning with Patty (@NYCPatty) and Jen (@JenIRL), and just reveling in the love.

I wasn’t able to spend as much quality time with everyone I wanted to, but here’s a list of those with whom I interacted and enjoyed. If I somehow missed you, PLEASE let me know and I will add you to the list…and I will be embarrassed, but that will just have to be okay!

Christie @shrinkingjeans

Julie @wearingmascara

Janet @janetober

Laurie @ajslevine

Denise @lottalotte

Deb @DebRoby

Gail @its_gail

@dubyawife

Mel @melgetsfit

Mary @TheWeightress

Lisa @LisaJohnson

Sagan @SaganLives

Tracey @tjstestkitchen

Steve @RunOnAwesome

Brittany @GettinFitBritt)

Cynthia @itallchanges

@imadramama

Emmie @skinnyemmie

Elisabeth @joggerslife

Brooke (babnotonadiet)

Gina (@fitblogr)

Andrea (@ajlovestolose)

Kia @Bodhi_Bear

@fattyboobaLatty

Alicia @poiseinparma

@FutureFitGirl

@FatGirlsCanRun

I’ve included the Twitter handle of everyone I mentioned in this. If you go to Twitter and enter the name (with the @ symbol) you will be able to access information about the person, including his/her blog. Also check out the official list of Fitbloggin attendees here (and their blogs)!

 

 

 

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A lot has changed for me since Fitbloggin ’10. I’ve healed from Lyme disease and a number of other physical issues, like hormone imbalance and adrenal/thyroid exhaustion.

I’ve been working out more consistently and have gotten considerably stronger. I’ve lost significant inches.

I no longer take prescription medication to control my cholesterol and, according to my doctor, I have the blood pressure and resting heart rate of an “athlete.” I am wearing clothes one to two sizes smaller.

I’ve written and published a book and everyone who reads it seems to love it (so far, at least).

I was asked to participate on a Fitbloggin panel discussion about “ditching the diet” and about the role that self-acceptance has played in my journey so far. By all accounts, it was a hit.

And so why did I come away from Fitbloggin’ 11 feeling like a needy fraud? Despite my best intentions, I went right in to “compare myself to others not so kindly” mode. I spent a few days feeling fragile and “blank,” like I’d never write again. Ever. Everyone else was churning out positive Fitbloggin recaps on their blogs and I just sat here like a bump on a log, like a deer in the headlights.

I was even feeling this way a bit during Fitbloggin. I was easily distracted and overwhelmed, and even though I know I have a tendency to be easily distracted and overwhelmed, I felt guilty because I couldn’t seem to control it. And most importantly, because of it, I felt that I wasn’t able to connect with people on as deep a level as I wanted.

I am not as motivated as…
I am not as funny as…
I am not as compassionate as…
I am not as goal-oriented as…
I am not as knowledgeable as…
I am not Tweeting as much as…
I am not as fit as…
I am not as sociable as…
I don’t give of myself as much as…

I am not as thin as…

AND I SHOULD BE ALL OF THOSE THINGS!

I know. I KNOW!! I was so totally not walking my talk!

But here’s the good news. I knew what was going on, I allowed myself to be with it, as uncomfortable as it was. I knew it would pass. I knew that I was catching myself while in the midst of it. And so I guess that means that I AM practicing!

This is the type of post that I sit with for a while before I click “publish.”

I feel like I’m being a total

But in the interest of honesty, here goes.

(Please stay tuned…I have an equally honest but much more positive post just about ready!)

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Choose the mantras that resonate and repeat as needed:

“I will not compare myself in any regard to other Fitbloggin attendees.”

“Supporting other Fitbloggin attendees does not require denigrating myself or downplaying my achievements!”

“Even though I am – {less fit, more fit, fatter, thinner, at goal weight, X pounds from goal weight} – I am still worthy of being here.”

“All that matters is how I feel about myself, and I feel pretty damned good about me.”

“Even though I had planned on looking like a Supermodel by now, I don’t, and that will be a relief to all the other Fitbloggin’ attendees because they don’t either!”

Now…take a deep belly breath.

And another.

In through your nose, and out through your mouth.

Repeat after me:

Fitbloggin’ will be a fantasic experience. I will be meeting people who have been part of my journey for quite a while now. These people have laughed with me and cried with me and celebrated my victories with me. These people love me and I love them.

Smile.

Continue breathing.

Soften your eyes.

Unlock your posture.

Acknowledge reality.

Mobilize your best.

 

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