February 2012

“May today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.
May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content with yourself just the way you are.
Let this acknowledgement settle into your bones,
and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.”
~ Bill O’Hanlon

 

__________

I love how KLA of Can I Learn To Think Like A Thin Person? describes the process of how she quit dieting and is still losing weight. It’s what I believe and how I live. And in the comments section of her post, “I Did Not Want To Stop Dieting,” I wrote: “I wanted to believe that I could lose weight without plans and programs and weigh-ins. And I was right. And yes, it’s taking longer than others might find acceptable but the self-trust, self-awareness and the fact that I either lose or maintain is worth all the time in the world because before? When I was following plans and programs? I’d inevitably regain…”

I know this way isn’t for everyone, nor is this the right way for everyone, but it’s worth a read…

__________

__________

I recently updated my *Results Not Typical page with a whole bunch more photos, past and present.

__________

 

{ 10 comments }

I just finished reading Sean Anderson’s (no relation) book Transformation Road, which chronicles his journey to and from 505 pounds. This is not a book review, per se, but I wanted to share some of my thoughts and observations.

I believe anyone who embarks on this kind of journey has a unique story with universal elements. There are many common themes amongst those of us who are, or have been obese/addicted/emotional eaters/binge eaters. And so as I read, I often found myself nodding my head in a “been there done that” familiarity.

What I love about Transformation Road is that it is not a “how to lose weight” book. There are no “sure-fire tricks” or “secrets.” Sean spends most of the book telling the story of how he got to 505 pounds and what kept him there until he was ready to do something about it.

And while his body certainly transformed, the real transformation happened in Sean’s mind. That, to me, is what makes Sean the real deal. He practices and lives his story instead of preaching it, and this is what makes him credible and his story powerful. Sean hasn’t removed himself from his story in order to sell a diet or a program. And even though he doesn’t reveal some until-now-secret weight loss surprise, there is plenty to learn.

(And I have to admit that when I first started reading, I thought, “I am sure this will be a good read, but I’ve been on my own ‘transformation road’ long enough to have learned all the lessons.” HA!)

About mid-way through the book, Sean is relating his adventures in stand-up comedy when I read this: “What possessed me to constantly bully myself for the sake of comedy? It was my way of avoiding the issue of food addiction and compulsive eating by embracing, almost celebrating, my morbid obesity. It was horribly self-deprecating, and it was sadly, self-accepting. I was giving up on ever losing the weight. Not really, I mean in the back of my mind I would always think, someday.”

Wait…what?

“it was sadly, self-accepting”?

Self-acceptance is sad??

As someone who sees her life in two parts – the obese, unhealthy, unconfident part before self-acceptance, and the lighter, healthier, confident part after self-acceptance – this didn’t make sense to me.

And as much as I believe in the practice-don’t-preach thing, I have often preached self-acceptance without fully understanding what it is. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to prove my point, that this whole weight loss deal is all about self-acceptance. And now this guy who’s lost a whole lot more weight than I ever did, says that self-acceptance was part of the problem?

Oh dear.

But then, several pages later, he writes: “My experiences in stand-up mostly included me making fun of myself. But when asked, I wouldn’t focus on that at all. I would talk about the wonderful connection with the audience, the natural high of making an audience erupt in laughter, and how blessed I was to be pursuing something with such passion. And I was passionate about those things, it just came at a high price. I was my own bully. I was in Hollywood representing myself as this big, fun, lovable fat guy, who was completely at peace with his size and role as such. Wasn’t this what I wanted? If I was constantly searching for acceptance of my 500-pound self, I was finding it, but can one feel real love and acceptance from others without honestly loving and accepting himself first? I thought I was being genuine.”

Ahhhh…now I understand. Like me, Sean was searching for that acceptance from everyone else but himself. I don’t know if his choice of words in the first paragraph was deliberate, but I understand now. The self-acceptance he spoke of wasn’t real and true self-acceptance, it was fear of change.

Something else that struck me throughout the book is that Sean’s transformation is the result of his understanding of several things I am constantly learning. Remember the Woo-Woo-Head-Heart Stuff I wrote about a while back? Here are some nuggets from that post:

• Change occurs in the moment.

• Abusing food cuts our heads off from our bodies.

• Criticism (from others or from oneself) never motivates.

• It’s not the food that hurts you, it’s the self-loathing.

• If you keep saying, “I can’t eat ________” or “If I eat ________, I’ll never stop” or “I can’t have ________ in the house or I’ll eat it all” those things will be true.

• Once you label yourself, you look for experiences that will prove it.

• In order to protect ourselves from outside criticism, we start doing it to ourselves.

These are some of the themes that came up over and over again throughout the book.

And that leads me to a subject that is near and dear to my heart, a subject that Sean very much gets: our words create our reality. OUR words. Not other people’s.

So how do figure out what your words are? One way is to start noticing your reaction to them. Those who know me well know that I have a negative visceral reaction to such words and phrases as “goal,” “just do it,” “motivation,” “willpower,” and others.

So I use different words and phases: “intention,” “desire,” “inspiration,” “soul goal” (thank you Jules), “practice,” and “act as if” (and it was a nice surprise to see that, while Sean has his own words and phrases, he and I share that last one in common). This is why “know thyself” is pretty much the key, and it’s why blogging can be such a powerful transformation tool.

Sean did the same for himself…he figured out which words, phrases, and analogies work for him. And once he understood this, he understood its simplicity. And he imparts that simplicity very well while acknowledging that, while simple, it’s not always easy.

Have you read Transformation Road? What did you think? When you read books about other people’s weight loss journeys do you want to be told, in specific terms, how they did it or are you willing to figure out on your own what works for you? 

{ 23 comments }

When I started writing this post, I was going to lament the fact that I used to be a running, kickboxing, kettlebell snatching woman…and that, as of late, I hadn’t been doing any of that. The post I was going to write was all about the past and things that were/are wrong with me.

But then I remembered: change happens in the moment. It happens right now and right now and right now. It doesn’t happen in the past.

Another thing about me? I go through phases. I’m all gung-ho about this or that, and then I’m not. And that’s okay.

Here are some ways I’ve changed in the moment, recently:

Yesterday, when I took my grandson for a walk to the beach in his stroller, I ran up and down the boardwalk. And it felt awesome. I’ve missed running. But not like I used to. It used to be about times and distances and proving something. Now, I do it because it feels good. I want to do it again.

I pretty much stopped eating wheat/gluten, but not 100%. It was something I decided to try, in the moment. I’ll eat oatmeal that was processed in a plant that also handles wheat and I also have a Gnu bar every day and they have a bit of wheat in them. But wheat-based breads, pastas, etc. Meh! I’ve made a few gluten-free recipes and tried a few gluten-free products, but I’m not going out of my way to replace wheat/gluten.

I’ve also stopped eating dairy (except Greek yogurt, which doesn’t seem to bother me). I never considered that I may be lactose-intolerant but my massage therapist (who, by the way, has been working on my lower back/hips/glutes with amazing results) did some muscle testing on me and suggested lactose intolerance, not gluten intolerance.

And while at Green Mountain At Fox Run I learned that sometimes, when we start to crave a certain food (or food group) it may mean that we’ve become intolerant to it, versus meaning that our bodies need whatever it is. I had started craving things like cottage cheese, regular cheese, yogurt, and ice cream. And my intestinal system was not reacting well, although I didn’t seem to notice it. It was only when I’d gone without much dairy (at GMFR) and then reintroduced it when I got back, that it became obvious to me. And sure, I could take Lactaid in order to eat dairy, but why? If it’s not good for my body? So this is something else that changed in the moment.

And writing this post, about what makes my body feel good, acknowledging who I am and what I am proud of, instead of what I used to do, or what’s holding me back, is a change in the moment.

{ 33 comments }

I’m supposed to get on an airplane in two weeks. Ever since I made the arrangements for this flight, I have felt more anxious than I have ever felt about flying. And it’s not about the flying specifically, it’s about the fact that someone might throw up on the plane and I’ll be trapped. And/or I might throw up.

Even though I’ve had this anxiety for as long as I can remember, it has never held me back. I’ve never NOT gotten on an airplane because of it. But it’s never been as bad as it is now.

I have told myself that I don’t have to get on the plane. But I don’t want to become that person…that person who doesn’t get on the plane because then I might become that person who never leaves her house.

I have some Xanax but even that doesn’t reassure me. There are moments when I am able to say to myself, “So what? So what if someone throws up?” But mostly, when I think about that happening, I am petrified. And I am not exaggerating.

Yesterday I was talking with my friend Christie* about it. And she asked me, “What will happen if someone throws up?” I started to cry. And she asked me to state my fear. I started to shiver…my insides were quaking…this is usually what happens when I talk about it.

And do you know how many fucking times I have talked about this issue? How many times I’ve written about it? How long has it had its fucking grip on me? I’ve sought counseling. I’ve been hypnotized. I’ve “tapped” on it. And I recently started EMDR. I’ve intellectualized it. I can even explain it. I know why I have this anxiety. But knowing why doesn’t help.

Christie told me that she’d been doing some reading about Early Maladaptive Schemas and suggested I do some reading. Wow. Okay, so now I understand more about the whys but what do I DO??

It was Christie who reminded that our bodies hold emotions if we don’t allow them to flow on through. I wrote about it a while back: “When we can’t or aren’t allowed to move our emotions, they get stuck and can create pain or other issues. Certain physical movements accompanied by vocalizing in certain ways helps get the emotions moving. Imagine children, who use their whole body and their voices when expressing, for example, sadness or anger.”

She asked if I had been practicing. Uh…no. Why not? Why not indeed. As much as I am a proponent of feeling my damned feelings, feeling THIS feeling is HARD!

And then there’s the physiological aspect that Dr. Christiane Northrup discusses in her book, The Wisdom of Menopause:

“Though memories are distributed throughout the body and brain, certain areas of the brain are especially important for the encoding and retrieving of memories. Interestingly, these areas of the brain are particularly rich in receptors for estrogen, progesterone, and GnRH, the hormones that fluctuate the most during the perimenopausal years. Given the heightened activity of these hormones in these areas, it makes sense that memory activation and retrieval would be enhanced during the years immediately surrounding menopause. Hurts and losses we’ve managed to forget or minimize for many years, even decades, may suddenly become overwhelming – even if we thing we should be ‘over’ all that pain from the past.”

Seasonal Affective Disorder, depression, and anxiety are all exacerbated by menopause. The good news is that our midlife brains and bodies are set up to heal our pasts. In fact, I contacted Dr. Northrup on Twitter and asked her if, after menopause, my anxiety would get better. She replied, “Yes. It goes away. As long as you’re willing to look at every aspect of your life and update it!”

And so getting back to my conversation with Christie, she suggested that I stomp around the room, fists, clenched, arms pumping, and that I say everything that I am afraid of. She said that I have to intentionally want to release the fear. Huh. Maybe on some level I haven’t wanted to release it? Maybe I just wanted to wait and see what would happen once the hormones stop jerking off in my body? And how long might that take? It could be another 10 years!

Lastly, she said this: “The most important piece is to not stop the fear once you start to feel it.”

And so, when Christie and I hung up, I got up, went down in the basement and did what she suggested. I had been shivering and shaking inside throughout our conversation and it continued. I’ve felt this way so many times before and had tried to clamp it down, distract myself, and stop it…to stop myself from feeling the fear.

I didn’t know what would happen as I stomped around the basement but I wanted to do the work. And I was amazed at what came out of my mouth:

I am ready to release this fear.

But I am so afraid!

I am afraid of vomit!

I am afraid AFRAID!

What if someone vomits on me?

What if everyone vomits on me?

Who will take care of me?

I can’t take care of myself.

No one will take care of me.

I am so afraid.

If I vomit no one will love me.

If he she you I vomit the world might end.

I want to voice this fear but I am afraid.

I am scared to say it.

(at this point the shivering had stopped by my chest and throat felt tight and constricted…I’ve never felt this before)

Up and out up and out up and out…

(oh isn’t that interesting)

I am so scared.

I don’t want to bad.

I’m scared that I am bad.

My poor body has been forced to hold on to this fear for so long.

It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay

(tears)

I am afraid that I am a stupid, silly idiot for having this fear.

(and then fear moved into my jaw and the back of my head)

And so I don’t allow myself to let it go and it’s been there for close to 50 years. My body wants to let it go. It is saying PLEEEEEEASE let it go!!

__________

Christie says emotions are never wrong, but I’ve created a story that I shouldn’t feel this fear.  And so now I have to muster all the love and compassion I can and tell myself that it is not only okay to feel it, but a matter of my health and wellbeing to feel it.

And I notice that when I am shivering and shaking it’s not enough…it is me stopping short of allowing myself to really feel it…of allowing it to roll on through my body, from my core, through my chest and throat , into my jaw, and out the back of my head.

*Christie and I met through blogging and we participated on the Ditch The Diet/Intuitive Eating Panel  together last year at Fitbloggin ’11 (along with Shauna Reed and Katie Heddleston). This year Christie and I are doing a similar workshop at Fitbloggin ’12 on Self-Acceptance & Weight Loss, with Shauna  and Mara Glatzel. While Christie bills her self as a “hybrid coach/body image/intuitive eating expert extraordinaire” (and she is that), she’s also an expert “feel your feelings” coach.

{ 36 comments }