July 2012

11/16/82

Dear Grandma:

Thanks for your concern. First of all, you can’t run my life and what I want for myself isn’t necessarily what you want for me. It would be nice if all the people you loved were exactly as you wanted them to be. Or would it? But, I’ll never be exactly what you or my mother or anyone else wants me to be. Even if I were to weigh 120 pounds!

I’m not saying that I don’t want to lose weight. I’m just saying that you can’t push me to lose it. It won’t work. I sometimes get the feeling that even if I did lose weight, there would always be something else that you or Mom wouldn’t like about my physical appearance, or even my way of life.

I’m me and right now I’m happy, for the most part. As far as my weight, it is not ideal. It is something I can change and I will when the time is right. DON’T PUSH ME!!! Don’t force me, don’t coerce me, don’t seduce me, don’t bribe me. It just makes losing weight something I’m doing for someone else, not myself. OK?

I am going to follow the exercises that you gave me. I don’t have a program of exercise and I should. I don’t want any money for it. Nothing will please me more than my own personal satisfaction that I feel better and that *I* think I look better. I’ll do it for myself.

Love, Karen

I found this letter – which I had written from college just six days after my 20th birthday – last night as I was going through the last of my grandmother’s stuff. It appears that she kept every bit of correspondence she ever received. I have not read every single one, but it has been both amusing and enlightening to read some of the letters I sent to her, as well as the letters both she and my mother wrote to each other over the years (in some cases I found letters that my grandmother herself had written). I have gained invaluable insight.

__________

“…there’s a reason why the windshield of a car is so big and the rear view mirror is so small. What’s in front of you is much more important than what’s behind you.” ~ Tara Martin’s take on Joel Osteen

I could accuse myself of looking too long or too often in the rearview mirror, but then again, we have rearview mirrors for a reason.

Finding this particular letter stirred up emotions.

I’m sad that this has been an issue for so damned long (and it was an issue well before this letter was written).

I’m angry that my family focused so much on my weight – and talked about it not-so-nicely behind my back – to the point that my grandmother wanted to pay me to lose it! (You don’t know my Grandmother; she didn’t like to spend money on ANYthing).

I’m hurt for the girl I used to be.

I’m proud of myself for standing up to my Grandmother.

I’m regretful that I wasn’t able to stand up for myself in a more productive way.

I’m angry with myself for choosing to turn into such a resistant person as a result.

I’m grateful that she kept the letters and that I was able to find this one, as well as some others.

I trust that, by allowing myself to briefly look into the rearview mirror and understand  what I see, I will find peace around an issue that has dominated my life for so long.

Tomorrow I will be taking a nice, long look through the windshield.

{ 37 comments }

…to all who entered the Aches & Pains giveaway.

But specifically to Jules, who won the free yoga mat and to Ellen, who won the free month of GaiamTV.

And remember, anyone can try GaiamTV for free for 10 days.

courtesy of northernsun.com

{ 6 comments }

So I know comparing myself to others steals my joy and all of that, but there are days when I read or hear about someone jumping out of bed and going for a run (or something like that) and I think, “my body would break in half if I tried that.”

Doesn’t anyone else wake up stiff and achy? Or is it just me?

Back before I really knew myself, I used to think that “some day” – if I could just get skinny and fit enough – not only would I look like a Supermodel, but also my body would never hurt again. I used to think that it was a flaw in my character that I had aches and pains.

Now I know better. My aches and pains are the result of many things: hormone fluctuations, stress, aging (almost 50!!), having had Lyme disease, various injuries, not taking the time to stretch adequately, sitting too much, and some congenital issues in my sacrum/lumbar spine. And yes, at one time excess weight and lack of movement played a role.

These days I recognize that movement is my friend and I almost always feel better – both long- and short-term – when I move consistently and in a way that works for me (have I mentioned kettlebells?).

That said, I still wake up stiff and achy. Some days are better than others, but I’ve given up on the idea that one day I will wake up with zero pain.

I haven’t, however, given up on trying to lessen the pain. And over and over again, I have turned to yoga. I’ve tried going to classes and I’ve tried doing DVDs, but was never consistent with it.

Right now, what works best (because it’s consistent!) is taking what I know and cobbling together an informal routine on my bedroom floor as soon as I get out of bed (and after peeing). And more often than not, I do it “half naked” thanks to Josie at Yum Yucky.

Being able to cobble together my own routine is the result of having learned the basics (via the classes and DVDs) and because I was able to let go of the idea that doing yoga had to look a certain way.

Then a few months ago, the folks at Gaiam (yoga central!) reached out to me and asked if I’d be interested in trying GaiamTV, a new service that offers “thousands of streaming videos to nourish the mind, body, and soul.” Not only can you view these videos via a television or computer, but also via smart devices like the iPad and iPhone. At any time. As much as you want.

I immediately recognized how well this would fit into my routine. I could view the videos whenever I wanted to learn new stretches, positions, and poses, and then incorporate them as desired, or I could stream them on my iPhone right then and there.

I have just scratched the surface of what GaiamTV has to offer. Besides yoga videos, there are traditional workout videos from Jillian Michaels, The Firm, Leslie Sansone, and more. There are also offerings in other areas, like general wellness, spirituality, metaphysics, and inspirational films and TV (for all ages). The monthly subscription is $9.95 and you can try it free for 10 days.

I can tell you this: my (nearly) daily practice has lessened my pain and I am grateful to have had this tool to help me.

Now for the giveaway! Gaiam is offering a free month of GaiamTV to one of my readers (worldwide) as well as a free yoga mat (up to $30, U.S. residents only).

To enter, please leave me a comment letting me know which you’d like to win (a free month of GaiamTV or a free yoga mat). I’ll choose winners via random drawing on Monday, July 23.

{ 31 comments }

This made me smile…

{ 8 comments }