September 2012

You know how you sometimes don’t realize that you’re a certain way until you’re not that way?

It’s like being able to understand silence only as the absence of noise.

Or perhaps it falls into that realm of things that you don’t know, and you don’t know that you don’t know it. Until you do.

A couple of weeks ago, after I wrote Calling Myself Out, Gently (about not being able to sleep, lying to a doctor about why I needed Xanax, and eating a bag of candy instead of acknowledging the myriad emotions underneath it all), someone asked me, “Why didn’t you call your doctor back and ask why she didn’t refill your prescription?”

I thought about it for a second and replied, “I think on some level I knew it was time to address this issue on a deeper level…that it was time to stop relying on a prescription medication.”

In the comments section on that post my dear sister wrote about the effectiveness of acupuncture, and right around the same time I was reminded that the Center For Healing Therapies (a local holistic health practice) has an acupuncturist on staff. I immediately booked an appointment.

Since then I’ve had three appointments and one huge ah-ha moment: I have been tense pretty much my entire life.

I’ve been living in a near constant state of low-level stress, feeling either, “I must be vigilant!” or, “I have to prove myself!”

It was after the second appointment that it became apparent, because all of a sudden I was more relaxed than I can ever remember being. It was as if I was relaxed on cellular level. I felt truly blissful…for hours and hours.

And the very next day, as if floating on air, a thought crossed my mind: I can relax now. I am safe and there’s nothing left to prove. And then I cried. And laughed hysterically. Then cried some more. What a release!

I’ve written extensively about my anxiety and how it shows up as a serious phobia around the anticipation that someone (or myself) might vomit. I have long suspected that this fear is not literal, but rather that it’s the container in which I put generalized anxiety because if I didn’t have something in which to contain it, it would spill out or explode all over the rest of my life.

And what’s really funny is that all these years I thought of myself as a go-with-flow kinda gal – a type B – and most certainly not a “control freak” or “one of those people who are always stressed.”

But as it turns out, what I see now is that I could not – WOULD NOT – acknowledge stress in my life. I resisted it.

I mean how could I be stressed out? I have a wonderful husband, no money worries, no children. I’m a successful writer and author, and I am launching my Acceptance Whispering practice. I have fabulous friends and a full, wonderful life.

Acknowledging that I’ve been a big ball of stress for pretty much my entire life would seem to contradict all of that, right? Or maybe acknowledging it would come across as being ungrateful? Or whining? Or weak? Or as if I am blaming someone? Or all of the above?

Hello my name is Karen and for most of my life my body/mind/spirit has been holding on to and storing the stressful and destructive thoughts that I must be vigilant and that I must prove myself. I accept that I resisted acknowledging these thoughts.

Now I choose to let these thoughts go. I relax into acceptance.

Have you ever had an “absence of noise” experience? To what thoughts have you been holding on that you’d be better off without? What’s stopping you from letting go?

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Of all the joys on earth, few compare to the crowning glory of achieving against the odds, succeeding in the face of peril, or triumphing over adversity. Yet in every such case, without exception, the poor odds, the peril, and the adversity must come first. ~ This was my “Note From The Universe” on the morning of Friday, September 7, but I didn’t know it because I didn’t read it until several days later.

Tim and I arrived at The Mohonk Mountain House  on Thursday, September 6th to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. We’d been to Mohonk once before, in November of 2009, but were unable to get out much because there’d been an unseasonable cold snap and it was about 5 degrees! We decided that we’d go back when we could count on nicer weather.

On Friday morning I took a Tai Chi class, we went for a three-mile hike, had some lunch, and decided to tackle The Labyrinth. We’d seen the sign (click photos to enlarge) and knew it would be a challenge, but doable.

Our experience has been that these types of things are usually easier than advertised. We were told that if we could make the first 100 feet, we’d be fine. We were also told that it would require use of all five points (both hands, both feet, and one bottom). And finally we were told that there were three “bail-out” paths, and if we decided to continue to the end (“The Crevice”), we’d be committed…we would not be able to go back.

The Labyrinth “path” (marked with red arrows painted on the rocks) hugs the side of a cliff off which boulders had fallen. It starts near the edge of Mohonk Lake (to the far left in the photo…you can see the entrance just above the roof of the wooden gazebo) and ends near the Sky Top summit, approximately 1500 feet up (see the tower at the top on the right?).

Once we started we realized there’d be very little actual walking; instead we scrambled over and squeezed under huge boulders and slabs, and climbed crude ladders built into the rocks. It was definitely challenging, at times precarious (both physically and mentally) but doable. We found that once our bodies adapted, it was quite fun. It didn’t take long to work up a total body sweat.

At this point we were happy and confident. We owned those rocks!

This was the last bail-out marker. It says, “To Crevice.”

I took this photo half way up…looking up.

We entered The Crevice and walked the path between sheer walls about 100 feet high. The photo above was taken just inside The Crevice, looking back.

It narrowed the farther in we got. Up ahead we saw a ladder about 10 inches wide, which went straight up and leaned slightly to the left.

This was nothing like what we’d already done. There were several “Oh shit, what are we going to do now?” moments.

I decided to go first. Climbing, first those rocks, then the ladder, required more mental strength than physical. I later read this description: “A skinny split between cliff faces reveals The Crevice – a claustrophobia-inducing ladder climb to a 1,500-foot ridge.”

At the top of the ladder was a tiny ledge. From there I looked up and realized there was still another 10 feet to the top, but there was no ladder, very little room in which to maneuver and no apparent way to get out (unless you’re an experienced rock climber)…and there was no going back.

I panicked (and forgot to take a photo). I imagined that we’d have to be rescued. I called out, “Is there anyone up there?” Tim was worried too, but said we’d be able to figure it out. All I could imagine was lifting myself up only to fall and get stuck, like a cork in a bottle, between the rocks. It took several tries (not to mention psyching myself out) before I was able to figure out where to put my hands and feet – not to mention trust my body.

And finally I was out! I crawled out of The Crevice and onto the ridge.

We often hear the phrase, “Face your fear and do it anyway.” If I am honest, had The Crevice been described to me in more detail – if I knew what it was really like – I probably would have taken that last bail-out path. But because I had no other choice, I had to do it, and for that I am really glad.

I won’t say that it was easy physically because it required quite a bit of agility and stamina, but it certainly taught me that most physical challenges really are mind over matter – this one required use of six points: both hands, both feet, one bottom, and one mind.

Cheers to us!

What was your greatest physical/mental challenge? Were you prepared for it or was it a surprise? Do you think knowing ahead of time helps or hinders?

Note 1: if you’re curious to see a short video of someone else climbing The Crevice, click here. It provides perspective.

Note 2: The day we left, Mohonk was hosting the end of the eight-stage SOS Triathalon, which included a 30-mile bike ride, 4.5-mile run to Awosting Lake, 1-mile swim, 5.5-mile run to Lake Minnewaska, 0.5-mile swim, 8-mile run to Mohonk Lake, 0.5-mile swim, then 0.7-mile (steep) run to the Albert K. Smiley Memorial Tower. In comparison, I think the Labyrinth was a breeze.

A view of Mohonk Mountain House from atop the Albert K. Smiley Memorial Tower (seen in photo above) at Sky Top Summit. I took this photo two days later when we hiked to the top “the easy way.”

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Up until a few years ago I was an excellent sleeper. I’d get into bed, read for a little while, turn off the light, and go right to sleep (soundly) until the next morning.

Then the insomnia started (perimenopause-induced). Melatonin worked wonders. Then my anxiety got worse (those wacky hormones again). I’d wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding, all sorts of scary thoughts running through my mind, unable to get back to sleep.

Over the past year I have relied on Xanax (one-half of the lowest dose available) to keep me asleep. My hormone doctor (Dr. M) prescribed it for me because he didn’t like the idea of me being on Klonopin (and neither did I, based on what I’d read about it) that had been prescribed by a psychiatric APRN. Dr. M has also suggested all sorts of natural/herbal remedies, adding that the bioidentical progesterone I take is supposed to aid sleep. None of it works.

(On a side note, I believe I am doing everything “right” in terms of setting the stage for a good night’s sleep: I avoid carbs after dinner, I don’t watch TV or use electronics before bed, I have a relaxing nightly routine…)

When the prescription ran out, I called Dr. M and he had it refilled for me. A few weeks ago, when I noticed that I was almost out, I called Dr. M’s office and asked for a refill. The next day I went to the pharmacy and was told that it hadn’t been called in. I called Dr. M back and he said that he felt uncomfortable doing this and suggested that my primary care doctor (Dr. P) do it instead.

At this point I was starting to feel a bit ashamed.

Now, I usually only see Dr. P once a year for an annual exam, but she had prescribed anti-anxiety medication for me several years ago when we took our first cruise, and another time when I was nervous about flying. So I called Dr. P’s office and told a lie. I said that I was going on a trip and needed the anti-anxiety medication. I was asked when I needed it and was told that, if there were any problems, someone would call me back.

I am feeling the sting of shame just typing this out.

I went to the pharmacy the next day and it hadn’t been called in. By this time, I had run out of Xanax. I hadn’t slept well the night before. But I remained outwardly calm.

I went again the next day and still nothing. Nonchalant. I purchased a few other items. As I made my way out of the store, I remembered that the companies that make Nyquil and Tylenol PM now have a “sleep-only” product. So I picked up some Zzzquil and went to the front of the store to pay. Right behind me was a rack full of bagged candy…and so I grabbed a small bag of Smarties. Yes, I thought about it first. I took them home. They sat on the counter for a day. The next day I ate them.

It wasn’t until a few days later (right now) that I made the connection between my emotion (shame and guilt for feeling like a drug addict because I need half a Xanax to sleep) and my Smarties binge.

In those few intervening days, I felt both physically and mentally/emotionally off kilter. The amount of candy I ate wasn’t all that much of a binge relatively speaking, but it represented me avoiding my so-called ugly feelings:

guilt (I LIED to a doctor!)

embarrassment (the pharmacist must think I’m an addict)

anger (the freaking doctors!!)

and fear (what if I can’t sleep without medication? what have I done to myself?)

And so I am gently calling myself out here – not for needing the medication, not for the feelings I tried to avoid, not for eating the candy – but for not acknowledging my feelings. See the difference?

Now that I have acknowledged these feelings I can see more clearly. I am empowered to help myself. This is what self-acceptance looks like.

Meanwile, The Zzzquil works pretty well, but not as well as Xanax. So I need to work WITH my doctors to figure this out.

 I’m curious…do you sleep well without any supplements or medications? If not, what do you take?

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