January 2013

“Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person.” ~ the opening line in Anne Tyler’s novel, Back When We Were Grownups

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Click the photo to read more about our efforts in Newtown, and for photo credit. That’s me on the far left with the red water bottle. :-)

I was sitting with about 20 other Emotional Freedom Techniques practitioners in Newtown this past Saturday when I started thinking about the words, “emotional freedom.” My mind wandered to the other training I am in the midst of (The Life Coach School) and the term Brooke Castillo uses: “emotional adulthood.”

And I thought about the synergy between emotional freedom and emotional adulthood.

Emotional freedom = the freedom to feel ALL of my emotions without guilt, shame, or judgment, and, at the same time, the freedom to release my emotions through the very act of feeling them.

Emotional adulthood = my emotions are my responsibility.

In taking responsibility for my emotions, I am free.

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I know you’ve heard bits and pieces of this before, but it bears repeating.

“Even though I am overweight, I love and accept myself. Being asked to repeat those words was the fulcrum on which I turned from someone who didn’t know how to love into someone who did…”

…from being a defensive, resistant, unaware, over-spending, binge-eating and obese woman-child who was full of self-doubt…

…to being an accepting, forgiving, aware, confident, and slightly overweight but emotionally free adult woman.

…from someone who was turning into the wrong person…

…to someone who was just about to catch herself.

Thank God it wasn’t too late.

Now, it would be simplistic and inaccurate to say that it was like flipping a switch and that I have never, ever again felt defensive or resistant, or that my confidence has never again been shaken, or that I never struggle with food now and then.

But if there’s anything I’d like to be known for, it is that I took responsibility for my emotions and in doing so, showed others that they could be similarly free, as well.

And that is the crux of the work we are doing in Newtown now. Our mission is to bring emotional freedom to those who are struggling and to show them that by taking responsibility for their emotions, they can be free.

We are not there to tell them not to grieve or not to feel anger or fear or the myriad other “negative” emotions they might have, but rather we’re showing them how to accept and be responsible for those feelings in a way that serves both them and those to whom they are close.

So far, Nick Ortner and Lori Leyden have worked with teachers and students in a couple of Newtown schools, those who work in the CT Medical Examiner’s Office, a couple of the parents who lost children, and a child who attends Sandy Hook School. You can read more here and here.

Our efforts there are long-term and the training we are receiving is top-notch. I am not sure when I will be working directly with the community, but for now, I am focused on continuing to master both my own emotions and the techniques needed to help others.

What’s your understanding of emotional freedom and emotional adulthood?

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“A miracle is a shift in perspective from fear to love.” ~ Gabrielle Bernstein

In response to my recent post, For Newtown…For Newtown, and to my most recent newsletter, one of my readers wrote:

“This has all affected us so much. I can’t imagine what it’s done to you. Tonight I participated in a philanthropic event, and that sort of helped. But, this is just too much. I also read your acceptance post, and found it interesting. But how can change ever happen, if we just accept things, and not try to change them?”

First let me share what I wrote in my newsletter:

“…since I last wrote, a lot has happened. I don’t need to share the details here because you all know what I am talking about. I never thought I’d have a reason to say this, but I grew up in Newtown and graduated from high school there. I haven’t lived there in nearly 30 years, but it is my “hometown.”

At times like these, we often find ourselves in reaction mode.

Three mottoes by which I try and live my life are:

Be for, not against: meaning that when I express myself in regards to that which I support (rather than railing against that which I do not), I am much more effective.

Practice don’t preach: meaning, it’s so much easier and effective for me to be an example than it is to try and tell others “how to.”

It’s not mine to fix: meaning, all I can do is focus on and correct my own behavior, not on trying to control or fix others.

In the wake of last week’s events, I found myself breaking my own rules, as if I had actually forgotten them. I found myself reacting, debating, resisting, wanting to fix and control, and rolling my eyes in contempt.

This used to be par-for-the-course behavior for me and, as a result, I often turned to (too much) food and wine and/or overspending in an effort to make myself feel better.

But I was able to quickly catch myself and remind myself that the world doesn’t need any more of that.

I whispered acceptance to myself.”

First, in response to “This has all affected us so much. I can’t imagine what it’s done to you.”

This is where the difference between clean and dirty pain comes in. In response to what happened I felt a range of emotions, from shock and disbelief to incredible sorrow and grief. Those are “clean” emotions. Feeling them is both understandable and productive in terms of mind/body/spirit health.

I also found myself arguing with others about the subject of guns, mental illness, and what should or should not happen. For me, arguing comes from a place of dirty pain (fear, desperation, anger). Trying to convince someone – who has beliefs different than mine – that their beliefs are wrong, is, to me, not only counterproductive, but I don’t feel good when I do so. And when I don’t feel good, I don’t do good.

“But how can change ever happen, if we just accept things, and not try to change them?”

My experience has shown me that it is only when I accept reality that I am able to change. And, I accept that I can ONLY change me…not anyone or anything else.

So what is acceptance? Acceptance is a matter of acknowledging reality, rather than living in a state of denial or “shoulds.” It happened and it can’t be changed. What we choose to do now depends on what we think and how we feel as a result. I know that acceptance is often confused with love and/or approval (and when I first started out on the acceptance journey, that’s how I viewed it).

I’ll say it again: acceptance is acknowledgement of reality, not resistance of it. And so with that in mind, when we accept, we are able to change.

How do we change? Think different thoughts. All action is the result of thought. Simple, but not always easy.

What do you think? Talk about a loaded question.

Note:  I am honored to be part of a group of EFT practitioners who are working to bring healing to Newtown. You can read more about the effort here and here.

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I almost decided not to choose a word for 2013.

Then, because “practice” was such a good word for me in 2012, I almost decided to choose it again.

And then I decided to trust that the right word would come to me. And it did. At the last minute.

As I mentioned in Part 1, I wrote that post originally in September 2010 and entitled it, “Glimpsing Mastery.”

Now I am ready to embrace it. MASTERY is not only an extension of practice, it’s a deepening. Like practice, mastery is both a noun (“comprehensive knowledge or skill in a subject or accomplishment”) and verb-like (“the action or process of mastering a subject or accomplishment”).

To me, choosing to embrace mastery requires more…

commitment

courage

discernment…

…as well as slowing down and taking my time.

It requires me to have a learning attitude, rather than a know-it-all attitude.

I’ve had a tendency to glimpse rather than embrace, to let fear stop me, or to rush impatiently into whatever looked interesting, without knowing if it really suited me. And my fear often took on the appearance of knowing it all.

One does not gain mastery in that way.

I plan, of course, to become more masterful at the art and science of Acceptance Whispering. To that end I am currently about half way though Brooke Castillo’s Life Coach School and hope to be certified by March. What I love about this program is that it’s putting some much-needed structure around what I already believe and know to be true.

Along with that has come an evolution. While Acceptance Whispering started out as a way to make peace with food and our bodies, what I am finding – after having worked with two clients (not to mention my ongoing work with myself) – is that it’s REALLY about emotional mastery (there’s that word again), knowing that taking full responsibility for our emotional lives is what makes everything else possible.

Mastery of my thoughts and emotions is a permanent priority because I have proven to myself, time and time again, that anything else I may want only comes when I take full responsibility for what’s going on in my head.

This is something I really and truly learned – on a cellular level, deep in my bones – in 2012. I alone am responsible for my thoughts and feelings and NO ONE can make me think or feel anything, no matter what they say or do.

Of course I had heard this and understood it many times before, but in 2012, I GOT it. I learned how. And I realized that, just like so many other things, it’s not something you get once and can forget about. It does, indeed, require practice, in order to gain mastery.

Better late than never, eh?

Also, later this month I will be taking a more intensive Emotional Freedom Technique course. I (and my clients) have found that combining thought/feeling work with EFT is quite powerful.

On a more practical level, as I build my business, I am finding the need to master some things that, until now, I had purposely ignored…things like finances and technology. And thanks to my business mentor, Christine Kane (who, by the way, has a great Word Of The Year tool that you can download), I am getting educated in these areas.

And, it wouldn’t be my life if I wasn’t planning to continue mastering acceptance of my body and health. I’ve come a long way baby in this area but there’s always room for more.

I am looking forward to 2013 in a way that I’ve never looked forward  before.

Bring it!

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Below is part of post I wrote in September of 2010 (if you want to read the whole thing, click here).

Photo credit: http://www.austincabot.com

I am reading a book called The Art of Racing In The Rain, which is written from the perspective of a very wise dog named Enzo. Enzo’s human is a race car driver named Denny. More about that in a minute.

First I want to talk about something my husband taught me about riding motorcycles and driving cars.

He has been riding motorcycles since he was a boy. He loves everything about motorcycles, from the routine maintenance, to modifying the machine to suit his needs, to the days-long rides he takes with friends. For him it is a holistic experience – art and science, magic and logic. It’s about him and the bike and his ability, not just make the machine do what he wants it to do, but to be one with it. He’s similarly interested in car racing, and participates in autocross events.

When I first met him I remember him telling me that one of the most important aspects of riding and racing is looking where you want to go.

Well of course, right? But what he means by this is that when you’re on the straightaway, you should be looking to the next corner and focus on that, not on the straightaway. And when you’re in the next corner, you focus on the next one, not on the corner you’re in. It’s about always looking down the road to where you want to be…and trusting that the vehicle will take you there. If you focus on the guardrail, chances are you’ll run into it.

This very same concept is introduced in The Art of Racing In The Rain. “Your car goes where your eyes look,” is a lesson Enzo learns from Denny.

And this:

“Racing is doing. It is being part of a moment and being aware of nothing else but that moment. Reflection must come at a later time.”

And:

“When I am racing, my mind and my body are working so quickly and so well together, I must be sure not to think or else I will definitely make a mistake.”

And:

“That which you manifest is before you.”

And:

“If I intentionally make the car do something (like spinning out of control in the rain), then I can predict what it’s going to do. In other words, it’s only unpredictable if I’m not…possessing…it. If I initiate the action, then I know it’s going to happen before even the car knows it’s happening.”

And so Enzo reflects: “We are the creators of our own destiny. Be it through intention or ignorance, our successes and our failures have been brought on by none other than ourselves.”

Enzo wants to love Denny’s girlfriend, Eve (who later becomes his wife), the way he loves Denny, but he is afraid. She is his rain…the unpredictable element…that has come into their lives. Then he remembers that racers should not be afraid of the rain, they should embrace it.

And so he opens himself up to Eve and she regards him as a sweet dog. He says, “I alone could manifest a change in that which was around me. By changing my mood, my energy, I allowed Eve to regard me differently.”

In that moment, he realizes that while he is not yet a master of his destiny, he has had a glimpse of mastery…and knows what he has to work towards.

To be continued…

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