March 2013

…in which I think out loud a bit.

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I finally got around to watching Brené Brown on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday.

It’s a must watch.

“In the very same second, I can be both brave and scared.” ~ Brené (a both/and statement if there ever was one!)

“Vulnerability is the cornerstone of confidence.” ~ Oprah (love the paradox!)

Being vulnerable is what helps me be less defensive (which means that I’m not expecting an offense…I’m not living “in reaction to”). I’m not sure it’s possible to never react, and that’s not even my desire, but the more I strive to live this way, the more I feel that I can stand in what I believe and value.

And it’s funny, because in many ways it feels like it has taken me longer than the average bear to figure out just what it is I believe and value…and to have the courage to live it.

And speaking of courage, vulnerability, fear, shame, and daring, I’m working on uncovering and healing some fears I didn’t even know I had. More on that soon!

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A while back I weighed myself for the first time in three years. Knowing “the number” didn’t make me complacent, nor did it create a sense of desperation, although I acknowledged that it would be nice if I weighed 10-15 pounds less.

I made what I consider to be a slight course correction in terms of both food and exercise* and, since then, have dropped a few pounds (at least according to how my clothes fit…I am now comfortably wearing a pair jeans that I couldn’t button before).

It’s no surprise to me that my habits around food fluctuate a bit depending on various factors, as does my weight. But it doesn’t fluctuate wildly and the freedom, peace, and contentment I feel around food/weight/how my body looks is priceless.

I used to be afraid that if I didn’t want to continue to lose weight…if I wasn’t striving and struggling to get to some magical goal, that I’d be considered a fraud. I was afraid that other people would think, “How could she love her body when it looks like that?”

When I have those fears, my actions tend to support them.

When I am practicing acceptance, I take really good care of my whole self and my body is responds positively.

*These days my go-to workout is something called Kickbox Express, a circuit workout that I can do whenever I want (when the facility is open) and which isn’t a class with an instructor, which suits my independent nature. My favorite station is the speed bag. I can punch that sucker pretty fast and consistently! The “battle ropes”? Not so much, but I keep at it.

Oh, and the best part is that I can bring my kettlebell(s) in with me, so I get the best of both!

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Have you ever done a 180 in terms of your personality? In high school and college I often felt like I was on the fringes of various social groups, never quite involved or belonging completely. And I so desperately wanted to belong.

When I was in my 20s, 30s, and early 40s, I loved crowds and parties…and I wished my life looked like an episode of Friends or 30 Something. I considered myself an extrovert. I even tested as an extrovert (ENFP) on the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator.

I think I was looking for my people. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself involved in some way with some new group, and, in the back of my mind, was wondering, “have I finally found my people?” Only to find myself not really wanting to get THAT involved.

In the past few years it has become apparent that what I really like is to be alone. Mostly. I’m an introvert. I obviously need and enjoy interaction with others,  but find being alone to be energizing and necessary.

What I am not sure about is this: was I always like this, but in denial? Was I trying to force myself into being someone I am not (this has been a pattern in my life, after all), thinking I should be extroverted because that’s what seems to be valued? Or did I simply change?

I guess it really doesn’t matter.

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What’s new with you?

 

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“If we magnified our successes as much as we magnify our disappointments, we’d all be much happier.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

You know…sometimes we get so damned angry with The Voice (aka self-criticism) that we tell it to shut the f*#k up. I’ve been-there-done-that too many times to count. It can be temporarily effective, and it certainly feels good in the moment.

But something I’ve learned is that The Voice kind of expects angry resistance. I mean, it’s The Voice, right? It thrives on drama and conflict!

Recently one of my clients asked, “How do you choose not to believe someone else’s negative opinion when THE VOICE tells you they’re right?”

Here’s the quick answer: The Voice, while it can be horribly nasty to us, actually has our best interests at heart. It wants to protect us and keep us safe. But it comes from the reptilian part of our brain…the part that, if a tiger were chasing us, would make us run or fight back.

Problem is, The Voice doesn’t know the difference between a tiger and, let’s say, us being afraid that someone is going to tell us that we suck. So it tells us we suck before someone else can do it.

The trick is first to remember that we are indeed in control of The Voice – we are not passive victims of it. In fact, it is us and we are it.

And second is to have compassion for The Voice – precisely because it is part of us – to acknowledge it.

“Thank you so much for doing your job. I know you’re trying to protect me, but in this case, self-criticism isn’t helping.”

Having compassion for The Voice allows it to feel validated and heard, so it chills out for a while. If not, it will keep trying.

The other thing to know about self-criticism is that it causes stress and anxiety, which is not very conducive to doing our best. So it really does not serve us in ANY way to constantly criticize ourselves so harshly. This is why I suggest being kindly fascinated with yourself.

Using self-compassion and kind fascination to motivate might seem counterintuitive, but in reality, what it does is access the nurturing, mammalian part of our brains, calm the amygdala (the part of the brain that controls flight/fight response), and thus reduce cortisol. It allows us to make decisions from a calm place.

Here’s a quick little self-compassion exercise I learned from Dr. Kristin Neff, who is taking part in The Self-Acceptance Project (you’ve got to check it out…it’s free):

Take a deeeep belly breath and think about what it is that is causing you to suffer (your thoughts). Place your hands over your heart.

Repeat after me: “This is a moment of suffering. This is really hard.”

Now this: “Suffering is a part of life and it is a part of the shared human existence. I am not alone.”

And finally this: “And so may I be kind to myself in this moment, and may I give myself the compassion I need.”

What do you think? Does self-criticism motivate you to do your best? Are you sure? Have you ever tried self-compassion?

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“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint’, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” ~ Vincent van Gogh

There’s been a common theme amongst my clients lately. They have dreams of doing something or becoming something, but they’re afraid to start. They’re afraid they’re not good enough. They’re afraid to fail.

Well duh.

That’s the human condition, right?

But why?

Over the years I’ve written a lot about something I (and many others) call The Voice: a critical, unkind entity that resides in our brains, but which seems to be out of our control. The Voice says things like:

Who do you think you are?

You don’t deserve that!

Don’t even bother trying!

You’re pathetic!

Remember what happened the last time you tried?

Don’t rock the boat!

You’re not good enough!

You suck!

I used to think that The Voice was not truly part of me, that it was bigger and louder for me (than it was for people who were achieving their dreams) and that it was something that needed to be silenced for good if I was ever going to achieve mine.

What I’ve come to understand is that The Voice is the same within all of us…the difference is that some people have learned to look for evidence that supports what The Voice says, while others look for evidence to support their dreams and desires.

But why would any of us look for evidence – on purpose – to support what The Voice says? Because sometimes we don’t want to change our thoughts. They’re ingrained and we’re attached to them. They have become unconscious beliefs. And when we believe something, we always find evidence to support that belief.

And this is why we feel conflict (wanting something but taking no action to get it). There are two competing forces: our unconscious beliefs and our conscious dreams and desires.

Then we ask ourselves, “If I really want [fill in the blank], why am I not doing anything about it? Maybe I don’t really want it? Why, if I want it, don’t I want it?”

This is what I call “waking up.” It is the beginning of transformation.

Just remember, The Voice doesn’t have the final word unless we choose to let it.

Are you looking for evidence that you suck? That you can’t be healthy? That you can’t be happy? That you can’t be a rock star? Why?

My name is Karen Anderson. I am the Acceptance Whisperer. I help women remove shame, blame, desperation, and resistance (aka The Voice) so they don’t have to white-knuckle it for the rest of their lives. Because really…who wants to live like that?

Wanna know more? Click here to set up an appointment so we can chat. I’d love to hear from you! 

“The ultimate purpose of inquiry is that it allows us to pause, rather than ride along on the habitual track of our assumptions about reality. In the space of a pause, truth can shine through.” ~ True Refuge

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I haven’t written about my “puke phobia” in a while*. Late last summer and over the fall it seemed to be under control. Traditional therapy, along with acupuncture, seemed to do the trick.

I thought, “Maybe I am cured.”

But in the darkest, coldest days of January it came back. The fact that the media was hyping a terrible flu season didn’t help…nor did the warnings about the “stomach bug” making the rounds.

My panic peaked in the couple of weeks leading up to February 8, which was the day I was scheduled to fly to Florida so my sister and I could be among and go through our father’s belongings. It’s been over two years since he died, and while my siblings and I spent a couple of days at his house right afterwards, we were in shock and not ready to really deal with it. His wife told us we could come back any time.

I was terrified about that flight (not because I thought the plane would crash, but because I thought someone might throw up). I tried to coach myself. Could it be as easy as just changing my thoughts? I even asked a fellow Life Coach School student to help me. But I wouldn’t let myself go there. I was tenaciously holding on to a belief that keeps this anxiety inside me.

“You don’t experience anxiety unless you’re attached to a thought that isn’t true for you. It’s that simple.” ~ Byron Katie

Jo Pillmore, a life coach I met last year, had posted this quote on her Facebook page. And I knew immediately that I wanted Jo’s help.

Even though the thoughts I have around my anxiety aren’t true, I recognized that I was seriously attached to them. And perhaps this is why nothing has “worked” in the past.

On February 6, I had a two-hour session with Jo in which she lead me through a powerful neurolinguistic programming (NLP) visualization process in which all the pieces and parts of myself, as well as all my former selves, gathered together with me and told me that it was okay to let it go.

I also told her about a dream** I had, about six months after my Dad (who also struggled with anxiety and the same “puke phobia”) died. At the time I thought the dream meant something completely different, but Jo suggested that perhaps, now that he knows better, he was trying to let me know that I didn’t have to stay attached to my untrue thoughts.

She also suggested that perhaps I had created a “contract of love” with him, probably way back before I can remember.

The contract went something like this: “Dear Dad: Because I love you so much, I will continue to feel afraid that people will be ill and throw up when I’m near. Because I love you so much, I will keep feeling this – whatever form ‘this’ may take. I love you. Karen.”

Afterwards, she sent me a summary of our session and said that I could break the contract.

She wrote: “Some time when you are alone and in a place of calm and peace, maybe on a walk or in your favorite room, pick up an object like a pencil, a flower, a leaf, and in that moment, in your own words, say to your Dad something like, ‘You know Dad, I love you. Thank you for giving me life. I want you to know we’re okay now. I know now that I’m fine just the way I am. In fact, it’s a fun wonderful thing to do, living this life on my own terms. I’m happy now. I have a wonderful relationship, beautiful family and home, a great life, and I’ve found my life’s work helping others. We’re okay now Dad. There’s nothing to fear. I’m just fine.’ Then take a slight bow of honor with the head as a sign of respect to the man who gave you life. Going only as low as you feel comfortable doing. Then take a deep breath from all the way in the bottom of your feet up to your heart and hands and as you finish the statement gently drop the object you are holding.”

She told me that I would know when the time was right to do this…that it didn’t have to happen right away.

Now, as it turns out, there was a blizzard also scheduled for February 8 so I didn’t fly to Florida. I postponed the trip to March 8. That said, following my session with Jo I noticed that my anxiety had decreased significantly. NLP is sneaky that way…you reset the issue and it heals on its own.

I was eager to break the contract but didn’t want to rush it. I figured when the time was right, I’d know it.

The right time was yesterday. I woke up, got dressed, and walked to the beach. On the way I saw a pinecone in the road and started kicking it as I walked…something my father and I would do when I was little. I picked it up and put it in my pocket.

When I got to the beach parking lot, I walked along the edge where there are telephone poles lying on their sides. I walked along them as if they were balance beams…something else I would have done with my Dad when I was little.

I walked down to the water.

 

I said what I needed to say to my Dad, dropped the pinecone into the water, and bowed my head.

I’m not one to look for “signs,” but as I walked away, this is what I saw.

I am hesitant to say “I’m cured!” but the quality of my thoughts around this whole issue have changed quite a bit. I am choosing to detach from thoughts that are not true.

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**In the dream, my Dad and I were at a car dealership where all the cars were antiques (he loved old cars) and there was a band playing Dixieland jazz on gigantic slide trombones (he loved Dixieland jazz). My Dad, however, felt sick to his stomach. He kept telling me that it would be okay. He was almost giddy about it. At one point, he said he was going to be sick and he ran around the side of the building and within seconds he was back, saying he hadn’t been sick, that he still felt sick, but that everything was going to be okay. I thought the dream was a warning that I, or someone one close to me, was about to get a stomach bug. And it made me more anxious.

*If want to read more about it:

White Knuckles

Anxiety Sucks. So Now What?

What If Dad Is Right And I Really Am Okay?

Yes It’s Scary But It Means Living More Whole-Heartedly

Releasing Anxiety: I’d Like To Thank My Therapist

 

 

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