Either-Or Both-And

I am sitting here wearing a top that used to be too tight through the chest/back and a skirt that pulled through the hips and pinched at the waist. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be able to comfortably wear these items again, and I was honestly okay with that.

It’s funny because I recently cleaned out my closet and got rid of everything that didn’t fit me, whether too big or too small. But I kept a few favorite things (both too big and too small) and now I’m glad I did.

I’ve written a lot about struggling and how I don’t want to struggle with my body. Here’s what I usually say: “if I view this as a struggle…as a fight to be fought, then that’s exactly what I’ll get.”

I believe that. I want it to be easy. I want it to come naturally. I resist the idea that a healthy body is or should be a struggle. I know in the deepest part of myself that this is the way it should be. I sense that there are skeptics out there…heck, even I’m skeptical sometimes. We need proof! We need before and after pictures! We need numbers and measurements! We need goals and challenges!

And so I am sitting here, in clothes I didn’t think I’d ever wear again, feeling…what? A little shocked, for sure. Smug? Not really…well maybe a little, but knowing that smug doesn’t get me anywhere! I definitely feel triumphant and proud. I am doing it my way! (And for as long as I can remember, I’ve confounded others, and myself, because I just can’t seem to follow the rules when it comes to stuff like this.)

But if I am honest, can I look back at the past year-plus and say that I haven’t struggled? NO!

I didn’t want to struggle over counting calories and worrying about every bite I put into my mouth. I didn’t want to struggle with the number on the scale. I didn’t want to struggle with a timetable. I didn’t want to struggle with hunger.

But I was willing to struggle with my emotions and (certain) relationships. I was willing to struggle with certain aspects of my health. I was willing to struggle with having patience for myself. And I was willing to struggle with finding my own way. And so I put the scale away, decided to trust myself (and we all know how hard it is trust ourselves, our bodes, when it feels like we’ve been betrayed so many times before!), and to have the patience to let it take as much time as it needed to take.

Martha Beck’s latest column, “How To Solve a Thorny Problem,” in O magazine (July 2010 issue) discusses the idea that, when it comes to yes-or-no dilemmas, the most powerful thing you can ask is, what if both answers are true?

She uses the example of a woman who has met a new guy who appears to be both a player AND a thoughtful guy who really seems to like her. And a friend asks her, “What if both things are true?”

It’s called “both-and” thinking (versus either-or thinking). So what if both embracing struggle and resisting struggle is the right answer? What if struggle is both good and bad? And how do you know when to embrace it and when to resist it? I don’t have a definitive answer for all, but I will say that I must have instinctually known when it was right to struggle and when it was right to let go.

Beck calls it a duel-emma, a situation that leads to two true, but apparently contradictory conclusions. And how are we supposed to move forward? Beck writes:

“In mathematics, one kind of problem that sends the mind bouncing back and forth between seemingly opposite truths is called a strange loop. The only possible way out is to use a metastatement that draws attention to the loop itself. In the case of a dualistic dilemma, the metastatement is ‘Oh, I’m using either-or thinking when both-and thinking is required.’

What makes a both-and mindset so powerful is that it takes you beyond the two choices you thought you had. It opens up previously unseen possibilities and opportunities.”

So, for me, in the past I thought I had two choices: either struggle with those things I didn’t want to struggle with (and be unhappy), or be fat (and be unhappy). Somewhere along the way I started (without realizing it) using both-and thinking…and a whole lot of wonderful possibilities and opportunities have come my way…possibilities and opportunities that I never imagined.