Over the past several years I have spent a lot of time alone, literally and figuratively. It wasn’t a conscious choice, at first, and for a while I thought it was just a phase. But I’ve had a series of ah-ha moments that have led me to be much more deliberate about choosing to be alone.

But first, what do I mean by “alone”?

Literally: I spend most of my days alone. I work alone and there is no one else around. I don’t go out with friends as much as I used to. I also limit my time with certain people.

Figuratively: I am careful about what I allow to influence me. I don’t watch television, I limit social media, and I limit other forms media (like newspapers, magazines, blogs, and online news sources).

(This is not about being an introvert. And it’s also not about being a hermit. To use an overused word, I think it’s mostly about being mindful…and intuitive.)

Ah-ha #1 The more alone I am, the more peaceful I feel.

I had this realization one evening when Tim and I were out having dinner recently and there was a TV on (sound muted) in the restaurant and every time I looked at it, I became anxious.

My heart started beating faster, I ate faster, I breathed more shallowly, and my stomach clenched.

Ah-ha #2 The more alone I am, the more I know what I like.

Without a lot of outside influence, I am much more aware of my true preferences and I am more discerning when it comes to making decisions and purchases. As a result, I spend less money. I eat better. I enjoy myself.

Ah-ha #3 The more alone I am, the more motivation and control I have.

Oooo…there’s that word! How many times have I said that it’s about taking control out of the equation? Well, I have an important distinction to make: white-knuckle control (fear) and truly self-motivated control (love).

Here’s what I realized: when I am trying to control and/or change the uncontrollable/unchangeable (other people, the past, the weather…) I do not have the freedom to control or change myself. And it is ONLY when I relinquish white-knuckle control that truly self-motivated control is possible.

Ah-ha #4 The more alone I am, the better I am able to practice and master that which is important to me*.

A couple of years ago I wrote a blog post called How I Want To Be In The World  and in it I described my aversion to conflict. This is something about which I often felt “weak”…as if I didn’t have a “backbone” because I didn’t enjoy “debate.”

Here’s what I’ve come to realize: I do not like to feel reactive or defensive. When there’s a situation that feels polarizing to me, I’d rather remove myself from it than to publicly take a side. I feel stronger in my convictions and thus ACT on them versus having to “preach” them. And in that way, I am more powerful and influential.

*Be for, not against; practice, don’t preach; and it’s not mine to fix

Ah-ha #5 The more alone I am, the less I concern myself with what others are thinking and doing.

It’s not that I don’t care about others…and I don’t say this in reaction to what others are saying and doing. I say it because it sets me (and everyone else around me) free. They get to be who they are and I get to be who I am and, as a result, I feel lot more love (rather than sadness, fear, judgment, etc.).

Who and what tells you who you are and informs your choices? Have you ever consciously experimented with aloneness? 

If you’ve been reading for any length of time, you know I used to eat Goldfish crackers by the bagful(s).

They were usually accompanied by a bottle of wine and followed up with something (a lot of it) sweet. I was a binge eater and while I also binged on other foods, Goldfish crackers came to symbolize the issue for me (and so what that means for purposes of this post is that when I write “Goldfish crackers” it might also mean some other binge food).

Ten-ish years ago, when I decided for the millionth time that I wanted to lose weight, I told myself I couldn’t have Goldfish crackers any more. But I often found myself buying them in secret and bingeing on them anyway. There was a lot of shame and desperation involved. I tried to stop myself, but damn! I loved Goldfish crackers!

And then one day, a few years ago, I decided that instead of trying to restrict myself and then hating myself when I “gave in,” I would just give myself permission to eat Goldfish crackers whenever I wanted and love and accept myself at the same time.

Slowly, over time, my binges became fewer and farther in between and the amount I would eat became less and less. For sure, I’d still buy Goldfish crackers and sometimes I would eat more than a serving, but I did it in a much more mindful way. A bag might last several days instead of an hour.

Goldfish crackers became something that I believed I would always love, might sometimes choose to have, and even might sometimes choose to binge on, but they slowly lost their hold on me. And I chose to learn the lessons that I could only learn when I paid attention to the thoughts I was thinking as I reached the bottom of the bag.

And then, about a month ago I was at a party (my grandson’s second birthday), and there was a HUGE bowl of Goldfish crackers on the table. I hadn’t had them in quite a while. I turned to him and said, “How did you know that Boo-Boo LOVES Goldfish crackers??”

I scooped up a handful and popped a couple in my mouth…crunched them up and after a second or two, realized that they didn’t taste nearly as good as I thought they would. In fact, I’d have to say I didn’t like them at all. I had the opportunity to have them again recently, just had to have a couple, and sure enough, I found them almost repulsive.

Boo-Boo does NOT love Goldfish crackers!

I’ve written about this phenomenon many times over the years. It’s not about white knuckling it and being in control. It’s about taking control out of the equation. Goldfish crackers do not control me and I don’t have to control Goldfish crackers.

This might not be your desired way of approaching a similar issue in your life, but I have found great peace in taking baby steps. It might not be sexy. It might mean that certain goals take longer to reach. It probably won’t attract the media. Whatever.

If change was supposed to happen fast, children would grow up in 12 months. Patience and process win in the change game. ~ Susan Giurleo

Are you a cold-turkey type or a baby-step type?

So, having turned 50, it was time for that rite of passage known as a colonoscopy. My appointment was at 10:30 this morning. I spent Tuesday and Wednesday eating a “low residue” diet, which basically consisted of applesauce, bananas, eggs, chicken noodle soup with some mushy carrots (homemade, but still), cottage cheese, white bread (I had a medium-sized onion roll with butter), and saltine crackers (edit: and a couple of turkey/spinach meatloaf muffins I made with breadcrumbs instead of oatmeal).

By the end of the first day I felt foggy and exhausted! By the end of the second day, I was foggier, more exhausted, and achy, and I had wicked cramps, gas, and the runs, and I hadn’t even started the “prep”!

From 6 p.m. Wednesday until after the procedure today, I was on a clear-liquid only diet, which, when I looked at the list, seemed to be mostly made up of sugar-laden beverages (sure, artificial sweeteners were also on the list, but eeeww). I purchased some Pedialyte, as “sports drinks” like Gatorade were recommended to replace electrolytes (but I’ve never liked Gatorade), and in addition to that, I drank lots of water, had a couple of mugfuls of low-sodium chicken broth, a couple of cups of chamomile tea, a bowl of Jello, and a couple of popsicles.

But go figure, I felt A LOT better once the low-residue foods were out of my system…hunger wasn’t much of an issue at all.

And, as far as colonoscopy preps go (at least based on everything I’ve heard from others), it was a cakewalk. Due to my anxiety around vomiting (which usually causes me to pass out), I asked the doctor (during the initial consultation) about alternatives to the dreaded GoLytely. EVERYBODY I know who has taken it said made them nauseated and/or caused them to vomit.

He recommended OSMO Prep, which consists of 32 laxative tablets, 20 of which are to be taken the night before (four at a time, every 15 minutes), and the remainder to be taken five hours before the procedure.

I was able to go to sleep around 10:30 last night, as the tablets seemed to have finished “working.” I woke up around 2:30…got some water and “went” some more, then fell back asleep until the alarm woke me at 5:00 so I could take the rest of the pills. And as I write this, I am remembering a weird dream I had! In it, I had overslept to about 7 a.m. and tried to the take the rest of the tablets but couldn’t find them all…weird.

Anyway, I lolled around in bed reading in between “going.” I didn’t have any cramps, and the procedure itself went well (I was blissfully asleep).

What truly amazed me is how absolutely crappy I felt after eating the rather innocuous “low-residue” food. Could it have been the lack of fiber and the addition of “white” processed carbs? All I know is that most of the foods on that list are foods I rarely eat!

And what it taught me is that I want to be even more careful about what I put into my body!

Have you ever had an experience in which you drastically changed your diet, even just for a couple of days, and noticed a significant difference in how you felt?

Feeling a little loopy, but good, afterwards. I think the Propofol and Versed (which, by the way, were administered by a very handsome and kind anesthesiologist), was the best part of the whole experience!

Fear, sadness, shame, desperation, anger…

I’ve come to view these so-called “negative” feelings as rather fascinating…not to mention how much data they can provide for me if I choose to feel them.

I had an interaction recently that triggered some old, ugly thoughts/feelings/behaviors. I found myself the next day moping around, with seemingly insatiable hunger, wanting to get stuff done but distracting myself with Facebook instead. Then I’d get up and look in the fridge or cupboard, hoping for something mind-numbingly yummy to appear.

And then I realized that I what I really needed to do was to just allow myself to be frustrated and angry…because right after the aforementioned interaction occurred? I wall all, “I’ll take the high road…I’m choosing not to go there! Lalalalala!”

So finally I just allowed myself to get angry. I did a little exercise whereby I gave my anger the voice it was asking for.

I sat down and wrote, “I’m pissed because…FUCK YOU!”

That was the first thing I wrote! And I kept writing, “I’m angry because…” and more and more stuff poured out until I finally got to the truth.

It was only then that I was able to calm down and ask myself how I wanted to feel…knowing that it’s my feelings that ultimately drive my behavior.

And no one, including myself, was harmed as a result of the anger I chose to feel.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a trillion times: it’s not about never feeling negative emotions…it’s about knowing that I have a choice, and that sometimes choosing anger is supremely necessary. When I allow myself to feel it all the way through, I can move on.

Do you give your emotions the voice they are asking for? Do you know how? The process is simple…it’s recognizing the need to do so that sometimes trips us up.

“There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic.”  ~ Anais Nin

Several years ago I attended an event at which actress/author Jamie Lee Curtis was the keynote speaker.

Prior to her talk, Jamie Lee Curtis came around to all 80 tables at the Well-Healed Woman Event (2009) and chatted.

She spoke about how important the truth is to her, and included the above quote from Anais Nin. And to illustrate why the truth is often so hard to know, and how often the truth is not pretty, she also recited a passage from the Talmud:

You don’t see things as they are; you see them as you are.

She spoke about how she came to be in the place she is today – being a mom to a son with learning issues, writing children’s books, doing Activia commercials, and speaking to groups of women like the one of which I was a part.   She asked, “How did I get to this place?”

In answer to her own question, she recited the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And the wisdom to know the difference.

“It’s all about acceptance,” Jamie Lee added.

She pointed out how so many people use addiction to avoid self-acceptance: food, alcohol, technology, shopping, celebrity, plastic surgery, and so on. She noted the two extremes of obesity and anorexia nervosa, and the fact that it’s hard to know what “normal” is anymore.

“What women do to themselves because they are not satisfied with what they see, with who they really are, is staggering,” she said. “What they do to themselves makes it so they can’t see themselves as they really are. And in the end it doesn’t work because when they look at themselves in the mirror, they see the fraud, they see the lie.”

And so, the cycle continues.

Jamie Lee related that she felt lucky to have received the truth in an illuminating moment. On the day that Princess Diana died, Jamie Lee had turned to a book of Buddhist meditations that she’d been given.

“I am not into meditating, but I thought the book would impress my friends,” she joked.  ”But that day, I picked it up and read the introduction and it started off like this:  ’Someone who is living mindfully, at the moment of their death, asks themselves two questions: Did I live wisely? Did I love well?’”

She reminded us about the life Diana had chosen to live versus the life she was supposed to live.  ”She is someone who had definitely learned how to live wisely and who had loved well. And ever since then, at the end of every day, I ask myself those two questions:  Did I live wisely?  Did I love well?  It has become the framework for my life.”

For me, Jamie Lee’s talk wasn’t an instant illumination, but yet another fragment in the laborious mosaic that is my life.

I’m curious. Are you satisfied with what you see when you look in the mirror? With who you are? Are you loving well? And most importantly, are you loving yourself well?  I’d love to hear from you, either in the comments below or you can send me an email karen {at} kclanderson {dot} com. Let me know what’s on your mind.

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Acceptance Quote
Are you ashamed about your body, your history, your loves, your longings? If you know in your heart that these things are right for you, stop trying to fix, change, expel, or squash them. Share them. Take them out in public every darn chance you get. Now say it out loud: “I’m so proud of myself.” The rush of strength and expansiveness that comes from declaring this honestly is the antidote to paralysis and the beginning of many wonderful adventures. ~ Martha Beck

I want to add this: as you say, “I’m so proud of myself!” raise your arms over your head as if you just crossed a finish line. This very act causes your brain to reduce cortisol (stress hormone), to increase testosterone (for empowerment), and stimulates confidence. Watch this amazing TED talk by social psychologist Amy Cuddy to learn more.

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My name is Karen Anderson. I am the Acceptance Whisperer . What I do…how I help others…can sometimes be uncomfortable. It’s intense. But’s it’s a good intense. Really. I know because I’ve been there and done that. It can also be a lot of fun. My clients and me? We laugh more than we cry.

“Someday is now.”

How many times have you heard this: “it’s the journey – not the destination”?  I’ve heard it, and thought it, and said it about 306 trillion times. And how many times have I assumed that the arc of my journey will end when I reach my destination?  How often have I assumed that my journey is a gentle arc? A lot.

I’m fascinated by the fact that it takes time, sometimes a long time, to “get” something you think you already know – to “get it” on a cellular level.  For the most part, I’m all about the journey, but sometimes, in the back of my mind is the idea that sooner or later I’ll get to my destination – preferably sooner.

Sometimes I sense that my journey is painful (frustrating? annoying?) for others to witness, especially for those who know me well, or for those who love me.  Heck, it’s been painful, frustrating, and annoying for me at times! When I think back on all the things I’ve tried, all the machinations I’ve put myself through in the name of…what?  Arriving at my destination after having traveled a gentle, arc-shaped journey?

The journey has NOT been a gentle arc. A gentle arc implies lifting off, moving lightly up, up, and up, and then gliding down, down, and down until you land.

My journey has been more like a hurtling rocket flight, with moments of stomach-dropping turbulence, a lot of general bumpiness, and even a fair amount of smooth, effortless gliding. All the while I’ve kept at it, trying to stay in control of the rudder and the stabilizer.

At this juncture, the flight is rather smooth and pleasant. I’ve been able to relax and enjoy the ride, only needing small adjustments to maintain my flight path. But I know, in order to keep going, that I will always have to make adjustments…and probably some big, uncomfortable ones.

Years ago, when I decided that I wanted to move from struggle to acceptance, acceptance became my destination and I shunned struggle. Then I accepted struggle as part of the deal.

Here’s the funny part: acceptance is no longer my destination (nor a means to an end). It’s my journey.

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Acceptance Quote

“I’ll never turn down my ambition because someone else is uncomfortable with the volume.” ~ Erika Napoletano

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My name is Karen Anderson. I am the Acceptance Whisperer. What I do…how I help others…can sometimes uncomfortable. It’s intense. But’s it’s a good intense. Really. I know because I’ve been there and done that. It can also be a lot of fun. My clients and I? We laugh more than we cry.

…in which I think out loud a bit.

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I finally got around to watching Brené Brown on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday.

It’s a must watch.

“In the very same second, I can be both brave and scared.” ~ Brené (a both/and statement if there ever was one!)

“Vulnerability is the cornerstone of confidence.” ~ Oprah (love the paradox!)

Being vulnerable is what helps me be less defensive (which means that I’m not expecting an offense…I’m not living “in reaction to”). I’m not sure it’s possible to never react, and that’s not even my desire, but the more I strive to live this way, the more I feel that I can stand in what I believe and value.

And it’s funny, because in many ways it feels like it has taken me longer than the average bear to figure out just what it is I believe and value…and to have the courage to live it.

And speaking of courage, vulnerability, fear, shame, and daring, I’m working on uncovering and healing some fears I didn’t even know I had. More on that soon!

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A while back I weighed myself for the first time in three years. Knowing “the number” didn’t make me complacent, nor did it create a sense of desperation, although I acknowledged that it would be nice if I weighed 10-15 pounds less.

I made what I consider to be a slight course correction in terms of both food and exercise* and, since then, have dropped a few pounds (at least according to how my clothes fit…I am now comfortably wearing a pair jeans that I couldn’t button before).

It’s no surprise to me that my habits around food fluctuate a bit depending on various factors, as does my weight. But it doesn’t fluctuate wildly and the freedom, peace, and contentment I feel around food/weight/how my body looks is priceless.

I used to be afraid that if I didn’t want to continue to lose weight…if I wasn’t striving and struggling to get to some magical goal, that I’d be considered a fraud. I was afraid that other people would think, “How could she love her body when it looks like that?”

When I have those fears, my actions tend to support them.

When I am practicing acceptance, I take really good care of my whole self and my body is responds positively.

*These days my go-to workout is something called Kickbox Express, a circuit workout that I can do whenever I want (when the facility is open) and which isn’t a class with an instructor, which suits my independent nature. My favorite station is the speed bag. I can punch that sucker pretty fast and consistently! The “battle ropes”? Not so much, but I keep at it.

Oh, and the best part is that I can bring my kettlebell(s) in with me, so I get the best of both!

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Have you ever done a 180 in terms of your personality? In high school and college I often felt like I was on the fringes of various social groups, never quite involved or belonging completely. And I so desperately wanted to belong.

When I was in my 20s, 30s, and early 40s, I loved crowds and parties…and I wished my life looked like an episode of Friends or 30 Something. I considered myself an extrovert. I even tested as an extrovert (ENFP) on the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator.

I think I was looking for my people. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself involved in some way with some new group, and, in the back of my mind, was wondering, “have I finally found my people?” Only to find myself not really wanting to get THAT involved.

In the past few years it has become apparent that what I really like is to be alone. Mostly. I’m an introvert. I obviously need and enjoy interaction with others,  but find being alone to be energizing and necessary.

What I am not sure about is this: was I always like this, but in denial? Was I trying to force myself into being someone I am not (this has been a pattern in my life, after all), thinking I should be extroverted because that’s what seems to be valued? Or did I simply change?

I guess it really doesn’t matter.

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What’s new with you?

“If we magnified our successes as much as we magnify our disappointments, we’d all be much happier.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

You know…sometimes we get so damned angry with The Voice (aka self-criticism) that we tell it to shut the f*#k up. I’ve been-there-done-that too many times to count. It can be temporarily effective, and it certainly feels good in the moment.

But something I’ve learned is that The Voice kind of expects angry resistance. I mean, it’s The Voice, right? It thrives on drama and conflict!

Recently one of my clients asked, “How do you choose not to believe someone else’s negative opinion when THE VOICE tells you they’re right?”

Here’s the quick answer: The Voice, while it can be horribly nasty to us, actually has our best interests at heart. It wants to protect us and keep us safe. But it comes from the reptilian part of our brain…the part that, if a tiger were chasing us, would make us run or fight back.

Problem is, The Voice doesn’t know the difference between a tiger and, let’s say, us being afraid that someone is going to tell us that we suck. So it tells us we suck before someone else can do it.

The trick is first to remember that we are indeed in control of The Voice – we are not passive victims of it. In fact, it is us and we are it.

And second is to have compassion for The Voice – precisely because it is part of us – to acknowledge it.

“Thank you so much for doing your job. I know you’re trying to protect me, but in this case, self-criticism isn’t helping.”

Having compassion for The Voice allows it to feel validated and heard, so it chills out for a while. If not, it will keep trying.

The other thing to know about self-criticism is that it causes stress and anxiety, which is not very conducive to doing our best. So it really does not serve us in ANY way to constantly criticize ourselves so harshly. This is why I suggest being kindly fascinated with yourself.

Using self-compassion and kind fascination to motivate might seem counterintuitive, but in reality, what it does is access the nurturing, mammalian part of our brains, calm the amygdala (the part of the brain that controls flight/fight response), and thus reduce cortisol. It allows us to make decisions from a calm place.

Here’s a quick little self-compassion exercise I learned from Dr. Kristin Neff, who is taking part in The Self-Acceptance Project (you’ve got to check it out…it’s free):

Take a deeeep belly breath and think about what it is that is causing you to suffer (your thoughts). Place your hands over your heart.

Repeat after me: “This is a moment of suffering. This is really hard.”

Now this: “Suffering is a part of life and it is a part of the shared human existence. I am not alone.”

And finally this: “And so may I be kind to myself in this moment, and may I give myself the compassion I need.”

What do you think? Does self-criticism motivate you to do your best? Are you sure? Have you ever tried self-compassion?

“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint’, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” ~ Vincent van Gogh

There’s been a common theme amongst my clients lately. They have dreams of doing something or becoming something, but they’re afraid to start. They’re afraid they’re not good enough. They’re afraid to fail.

Well duh.

That’s the human condition, right?

But why?

Over the years I’ve written a lot about something I (and many others) call The Voice: a critical, unkind entity that resides in our brains, but which seems to be out of our control. The Voice says things like:

Who do you think you are?

You don’t deserve that!

Don’t even bother trying!

You’re pathetic!

Remember what happened the last time you tried?

Don’t rock the boat!

You’re not good enough!

You suck!

I used to think that The Voice was not truly part of me, that it was bigger and louder for me (than it was for people who were achieving their dreams) and that it was something that needed to be silenced for good if I was ever going to achieve mine.

What I’ve come to understand is that The Voice is the same within all of us…the difference is that some people have learned to look for evidence that supports what The Voice says, while others look for evidence to support their dreams and desires.

But why would any of us look for evidence – on purpose – to support what The Voice says? Because sometimes we don’t want to change our thoughts. They’re ingrained and we’re attached to them. They have become unconscious beliefs. And when we believe something, we always find evidence to support that belief.

And this is why we feel conflict (wanting something but taking no action to get it). There are two competing forces: our unconscious beliefs and our conscious dreams and desires.

Then we ask ourselves, “If I really want [fill in the blank], why am I not doing anything about it? Maybe I don’t really want it? Why, if I want it, don’t I want it?”

This is what I call “waking up.” It is the beginning of transformation.

Just remember, The Voice doesn’t have the final word unless we choose to let it.

Are you looking for evidence that you suck? That you can’t be healthy? That you can’t be happy? That you can’t be a rock star? Why?

My name is Karen Anderson. I am the Acceptance Whisperer. I help women remove shame, blame, desperation, and resistance (aka The Voice) so they don’t have to white-knuckle it for the rest of their lives. Because really…who wants to live like that?

Wanna know more? Click here to set up an appointment so we can chat. I’d love to hear from you! 

“The ultimate purpose of inquiry is that it allows us to pause, rather than ride along on the habitual track of our assumptions about reality. In the space of a pause, truth can shine through.” ~ True Refuge