It's A Matter Of (Self) Trust

Now that I’ve had a few days to process my reaction to what the hormone specialist suggested, I’m am actually grateful for that interaction, even though I had to go through an ugly patch to get to this point. It was a gift (and I knew it was, even when it felt like it wasn’t), because in the end, it helped me clarify what I really want.

In case you haven’t noticed, I sometimes have a hard time knowing exactly what I want…I have a hard time setting goals and I have a hard time being objective about myself.

And it’s sometimes difficult for me to have the confidence to just go ahead and do something without feeling the need to get input, advice, and approval from others. And without fanfare and announcements. And when faced with too many choices or too much advice, I tend to shut down and resist. Especially if it conflicts with a decision I’ve already made.

After reading Women Food & God, I had an image in my head of what practicing it would look like. That’s something else I tend to do: read something that blows me away and then think that there’s some perfect way to “be” afterwards.

So anyway, I’ve been hesitant to come right out and say, “I want to lose more weight.” Yes, that’s been the idea all along, but I’ve had to come to this point in my own circuitous, non-linear fashion. And as I have said (a million times or more), “It takes as long as it needs to take.”

I have never wanted to call what I do here a “weight loss” blog because I didn’t want it to be about that, specifically. I want it to be about the things that contribute to healthy, happy living knowing that if I am healthy and happy, my body will find it’s way naturally, without counting calories or fad diets.

So, after my appointment with the hormone specialist, I made an appointment with my naturopath, because she (along with my “regular” doctor) is who I consider to be my “primary care physician.” I wanted her to be aware of what the other doctor was promoting, as well as get her input on my cholesterol and thyroid numbers. Besides, it was she who recommended the hormone specialist and I wanted her to know my reservations. To my relief, she “got it.” And she’s not worried about my cholesterol, mainly because my “good” cholesterol is so good that it will protect me from my “bad” cholesterol until we can get it back in the okay range (and it’s not too far out of range at this point).

Not to mention that the rest of my lab work shows that I am in excellent health! Not to mention that I am happily working out five to six times a week. Not to mention that I am losing inches!

And so this brings me to back to what I said in my last post, about what’s best for me. And the hormone doctor touched on it, as did my kettlebell trainer: I need more protein. At one time, when I was actively counting calories, I was aiming for at least 90 grams of protein per day and trying to eat most of it before mid-afternoon.

Now, the hormone doctor wants me to try an 800-calorie-a-day fad diet and my kettlebell trainer wants me to eat more red meat (local, grass-fed, organic) and whole milk (raw). And I don’t want to do either of those things. But I know (intellectually AND on an instinctual level) that eating more protein is in my best interests. And so I am willing to make a rule for myself: eat at least 90 grams of quality protein a day and in order to ensure that I am, I will count protein grams.

Along with that, I have started to “food blog.” It’s not something I am going to announce every day, but if you want to see what I am eating, you can visit my Photographic Food Diary.

Several of my favorite bloggers do this, for various reasons, and I’ve heard everything from “it’s a spiritual practice” to “it’s just another form of food/weight obsession.” For me it’s a practice in awareness, as well as a way to get myself into the habit of making sure that I am sitting down to well-prepared, well-presented food and not just grabbing something mindlessly. It presents a way for me to practice one of the eating guidelines that Geneen Roth advocates in Women Food & God: eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others. Because I work at home, I usually eat breakfast and lunch alone.

And doing these things will help me with my ultimate goal: more trust in myself.

If you’re interested, please check out these food blogs:

http://amerrylife.com/food/

http://www.loserforlife.com/

http://foodiesfood.wordpress.com/