*Results Not Typical

“We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” ~ Carl Jung

My experience has shown this to be true. And it led me down a very unexpected path.

A photographic journey of my body/mind/spirit, from babyhood,

through the years when I abused my body, the weight loss, the weight gain, and the total acceptance.

This little girl had NO IDEA!

4th grade and 5th grade

And to think I thought I was SO FAT! Here’s a letter I wrote to this girl: A Letter To My Teen Self

A series of posts entitled “How I Learned To Love” starts here.

I turned 40 in 2002 and I remember thinking, I don’t want to be “fat and 40.” But there was not much self-acceptance going on then…practically none. In fact, I don’t even think I was aware of what self-acceptance was. This is what lack of self-acceptance looks like…even though I am smiling, “glowing” even, inside I felt like a failure. I didn’t know who I was. Ignorance is…bliss?

In early 2005, I started practicing Emotional Freedom Technique with a therapist. It was then that I realized how much self-loathing I had going on. There is some self-awareness and self-acceptance glimmering here…

I continued with EFT for a good year and over the course of 18 months lost 55 pounds. I was actively counting calories and exercising  regularly. In 2007 I was on the cover of a weekly women’s magazine as a weight loss “success” and life was good. I had the photos to prove it, right? Or so I thought.

In reality, I was still feeling desperate and “less than.” Even though I’d lost 55 pounds, I hadn’t reached my “goal weight.” I wasn’t happy with what I had achieved, I was only focused on what I hadn’t. By 2007 I was in desperation mode and this is what it looked like. At this point I was taking on other people’s goals and pushing my body extra hard in an effort to keep the weight off. All I could think about was food…my weight…the scale. Up down up down up down! I was ruled by it and had no room in my brain for anything else!

By 2008 I started regaining. I wasn’t practicing self-acceptance and, unbeknownst me to me I had some health issues, including Lyme disease and hormone imbalance (diagnosed in December 2009). By early 2009  I’d regained half the weight I had lost. I was tired of struggling, tired of constantly thinking about food, tired of having to “try.” Without even realizing it at the time, I set forth on an experiment. I wanted to see if I could “love” myself to health. I wanted to break the “lose weight-gain weight” cycle for good. I wanted to believe that life isn’t just about the number on the scale and that if I could just find the right formula (that didn’t involve obsessing over calories, “good” and “bad” food, and exercising to the point of hurting myself), the weight would come off naturally. I wanted to believe that the “work” to be done was not superficial, but on a deeper, mind/body/spirit level.

But even more importantly, I didn’t want it to feel like work. I wanted to believe that it could be easy…that being gentle and kind with myself would  be infinitely more effective than the old “nose-to-the-grindstone-nothing-worthwhile-ever-comes-without-struggle” mindset I’d grown up with.

Here I am, ~25 pounds heavier, unaware that I have Lyme disease and some other health issues. Nothing life-threatening, but definitely quality-of-life-threatening. And even though my body hurt, I was well on the way to consistently practicing self-acceptance. It was touch-and-go for a while. I was learning how to really “know” what I already knew.

This is what practicing self-acceptance on a regular basis looks like. I took this photo for my “exposed” post.  It is not perfection. It is not “super model.” It is the result of being gentle and kind with mind/body/spirit. It is the state my body has found naturally, without focusing on “weight.”

These 2010 photos are not “after” pictures. They are “right now” pictures. The “results” are not typical, nor are they what you might expect. I haven’t been on a scale in over a year. I do not count calories. I do not restrict myself in any way. There are no foods that are “banned.” I do not binge, I don’t have what I used to call “false” hunger. I have a healthy body that does not require permanent prescriptions to keep it that way. I exercise moderately and regularly, but not obsessively. I do not view exercise as a means of burning calories. If it’s not fun, if I don’t enjoy it, I don’t do it.

I am happy with the way things are right this very minute. I am not trying to fix myself. I’m not holding off on living until I reach some magical goal. I am grateful for the body I have, for the life I have, and for all the lessons I have learned.

UPDATE: 2011