What If Dad Is Right And I Really Am Okay?

File this one under “stuff that I learn over and over again, but in different ways.”

That I deal with anxiety is no secret…and neither is the fact that it seems to get worse as the days get shorter, darker, and colder. Last year around this time I found myself blogging about it quite a bit (here and here), and that’s when I decided I needed some therapy.

I just wanted to be cured…I wanted never to feel anxious again. I wanted to be able to go about my life with nary a thought as to whether someone else might throw up…or that I might.

What I’ve come to realize is that it’s just not possible. “Never again” is not possible. And how many times have I said that (to myself and to others) in terms of such behaviors as mindless eating or looking in the mirror and hating what I see?

The goal isn’t to be cured, the goal is to be okay. Because being “cured” really doesn’t guarantee a damn thing, does it?

I think we’d all like to believe that there are certain things we will never do again, but I’m starting to sense a tiny bit of freedom in realizing that I very well may have anxiety for the rest of my life…and that in accepting it, my anxiety has lessened. Talk about a paradox!

This hit me the other day when a friend wrote to me and said, in regards to using food to cope with various stressors in her life, “I’m exhausted. I’m terrified. I’m scared. I don’t want to meltdown like I did before “

And then she asked me, “How did you make peace with your emotions?”

And I laughed right out loud and thought, “Huh? What? Who me? When did that happen?”

And then I responded:

“Emotions are just…emotions. They’re part of life…as trite as that sounds. It’s the weight (no pun intended) that we give them that bogs us down.  So…you’re moving? You’re saying good-bye? You’re tired? You’re scared? You might melt down? So? You’re allowed. Besides, this isn’t about *not* feeling those things…it’s about feeling them and knowing you’ll be okay. Because you will. And holy cow I’m having an ah-ha moment as I type this LOL! It really is about knowing, on a deeper level, that we are okay, no matter what…even when we’re scared shitless or grieving a loss or kicking up our heels in joy.”

I realized that I was echoing what my father (who had the same anxiety issues…and they showed up the same way for him) was telling me in a dream I had about him a few weeks ago. I wrote a password-protected blog post that describes the circumstances in much greater detail and if you’re interested in reading it, email me at karen {at} kclanderson {dot} com and I’ll send the password to you.

And so today I did something that amazed me. It will sound trivial to you, but it was a huge victory for me. My stepdaughter, who is Mom to a seven-and-half-month-old baby boy was feeling ill, exhausted, and overwhelmed this morning and she posted as much on Facebook. I texted her and offered to come over and watch him so she could rest. I didn’t ask ahead of time, “what kind of sick,” (although I certainly thought about it and my heart raced a little) I just offered and went. Turns out, yes, last night she’d thrown up.

And it was okay. And I am okay. I’m not cured. And that is okay too.

P.S. I promise that there is more to come in the “How I Learned To Love” series!