…The Peaceful Daughter’s Guide To Separating From A Difficult Mother:
I had a mutually abusive, toxic, enmeshed relationship with my mother and as a result of that, I told myself a whopper of a story about me, a story that stood on me for years.
That story went something like this: I am pathetic. I am bad. I am unworthy. I can’t trust myself. I can’t take care of myself. I should be ashamed of myself.
As a result of that story I was miserable, reactive, resistant, and scared…I was an underachiever, I was a binge eater, and as I got older I started sleeping around thinking it was the only way I could get a man to love me. I even married a guy so he could get a green card.
I spent way more money that I made and ended up declaring bankruptcy.
I lashed out at people I loved.
My life wasn’t a complete disaster, but I was asleep at the wheel and I had no idea what was possible for me. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know how to desire something for myself.
Having goals and “being responsible” scared me. My anxiety went through the roof (and, funnily enough, it manifested in a severe fear of other people throwing up. It almost paralyzed me, especially in the winter months. There were times when I thought I’d become one of those people who couldn’t leave her home.) This lasted for years.
It’s only been recently that I’ve started to understand that I had some PTSD going on, as well.
Through various therapies (traditional and not-so-traditional), not to mention reading books about narcissistic mothers and mothers who can’t love, I started to wake up. And while the therapy and the books explained a lot and helped me feel that I was not alone, they also provided an excuse.
The story that stood on me turned into this: because my mother was and is the way she is, I’m screwed. It’s too late for me.
I was most definitely not impressed with myself.
Sure, from time to time I would experience the real, powerful essence of myself, but the stories I’d been telling myself felt permanent and more potent, plus they were familiar.
Not to mention that more than anything else, I unconsciously feared that if I was my real self, my mother wouldn’t approve of or love me. I certainly had proof of that…and man, if your mother doesn’t love you unless you contort yourself to her desires, who will?
Through a combination of powerful coaching, writing, and Emotional Freedom Technique (aka “tapping”), over the course of a couple of years I disentangled myself from my mother and from the stories I was telling myself about myself and her. I’ve come home to myself as a powerful, autonomous woman who understands the nature of true creativity.
P.S. Would you like to join me for the book launch party? It will be held via webinar on September 1 at 6 p.m. (EST). In addition to being able to download my book for free, there will be other authors with other free books, as well. Even if you can’t attend the webinar, you will get a recording and a bunch of extras just for signing up. Click here to register!