I know what stopped me.

My fear that she wouldn’t respect them. Which would mean she didn’t respect ME. And for a very long time I wasn’t willing to take that risk.

For years, my fear kept me spinning in self-doubt and confusion about what I wanted. I was afraid to want what I wanted. The mental and emotional turmoil of having to figure out what I was going to do and say – each and every time I interacted with her – wasted my precious time and energy. And then, after my interactions with her, I’d spend hours (days…weeks) fighting with her inside my head, and recounting, to anyone who would listen, how horrible she was.

You already know that setting boundaries is the answer. And yet you haven’t done it. Or, if you’ve tried, it hasn’t been effective.

Here’s why: because you’ve been approaching setting boundaries with your mother from a place of believing she has to agree with or respect them.

You won’t set the boundary because you’re afraid to find out that she won’t comply (because that’s been your lived experience).

You make her non-compliance mean that you don’t deserve it.

And that you’re bad and wrong for wanting to have it.

Because women are socialized to believe that asking for what we want is greedy, selfish, and ungrateful, we will – over and over again – choose NOT to advocate for ourselves with boundaries.

Your mother isn’t going to make this easy on you.

She isn’t going to like it.

She’s not going to respect your boundaries.

She doesn’t think you deserve them.

And when that happens you will make it mean that you are bad and wrong.

So you won’t set the boundary.

Because you are giving her the power to decide whether or not you get to have what you want.

You won’t do it.

And you’ll be hurt and pissed off.
Again.
At her.
At yourself.

Because you’re a human who has been conditioned to hide her truth.

This is why I created my one-day workshop: How To Set Boundaries With Your Difficult Mother WITHOUT Guilt & Anxiety.

Because your mother doesn’t get to have the power to decide for you.

You do.

She doesn’t get to have the power to decide your worth, goodness, greediness, or selfishness.

You do.

Setting, establishing, and living with healthy boundaries is amazing.

The woman you will become as a result of having gone through the process? Priceless.

It’s worth repeating:

Believing your mother has to respect your boundaries can create a lot of pain.

To avoid that pain, you won’t set the boundary.

Whether she consciously knows it or not, your mother is counting on that.

Setting boundaries doesn’t have to feel bad. In fact, setting boundaries can be one of the most empowering things you ever do, not because you end up with a boundary, but because you see and experience yourself as powerful.

Hold my hand. Do this workshop with me and let’s take back your power, your time, and your energy from your mother.

Much, much love,

Karen

P.S. Here’s the link to sign up for the workshop. Early bird pricing ends on Thursday, February 28.

Plus, check out my recent Friday Facebook Live Boundaries Broadcasts, where I take what I write in these weekly Love Notes and go a little deeper:

How to set boundaries with your mother when she has dementia

Why boundaries are not selfish

“My mother lives with me and I need boundaries help!”