If you’ve been reading for any length of time, you know I used to eat Goldfish crackers by the bagful(s).

They were usually accompanied by a bottle of wine and followed up with something (a lot of it) sweet. I was a binge eater and while I also binged on other foods, Goldfish crackers came to symbolize the issue for me (and so what that means for purposes of this post is that when I write “Goldfish crackers” it might also mean some other binge food).

Ten-ish years ago, when I decided for the millionth time that I wanted to lose weight, I told myself I couldn’t have Goldfish crackers any more. But I often found myself buying them in secret and bingeing on them anyway. There was a lot of shame and desperation involved. I tried to stop myself, but damn! I loved Goldfish crackers!

And then one day, a few years ago, I decided that instead of trying to restrict myself and then hating myself when I “gave in,” I would just give myself permission to eat Goldfish crackers whenever I wanted and love and accept myself at the same time.

Slowly, over time, my binges became fewer and farther in between and the amount I would eat became less and less. For sure, I’d still buy Goldfish crackers and sometimes I would eat more than a serving, but I did it in a much more mindful way. A bag might last several days instead of an hour.

Goldfish crackers became something that I believed I would always love, might sometimes choose to have, and even might sometimes choose to binge on, but they slowly lost their hold on me. And I chose to learn the lessons that I could only learn when I paid attention to the thoughts I was thinking as I reached the bottom of the bag.

And then, about a month ago I was at a party (my grandson’s second birthday), and there was a HUGE bowl of Goldfish crackers on the table. I hadn’t had them in quite a while. I turned to him and said, “How did you know that Boo-Boo LOVES Goldfish crackers??”

I scooped up a handful and popped a couple in my mouth…crunched them up and after a second or two, realized that they didn’t taste nearly as good as I thought they would. In fact, I’d have to say I didn’t like them at all. I had the opportunity to have them again recently, just had to have a couple, and sure enough, I found them almost repulsive.

Boo-Boo does NOT love Goldfish crackers!

I’ve written about this phenomenon many times over the years. It’s not about white knuckling it and being in control. It’s about taking control out of the equation. Goldfish crackers do not control me and I don’t have to control Goldfish crackers.

This might not be your desired way of approaching a similar issue in your life, but I have found great peace in taking baby steps. It might not be sexy. It might mean that certain goals take longer to reach. It probably won’t attract the media. Whatever.

If change was supposed to happen fast, children would grow up in 12 months. Patience and process win in the change game. ~ Susan Giurleo

Are you a cold-turkey type or a baby-step type?

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So, having turned 50, it was time for that rite of passage known as a colonoscopy. My appointment was at 10:30 this morning. I spent Tuesday and Wednesday eating a “low residue” diet, which basically consisted of applesauce, bananas, eggs, chicken noodle soup with some mushy carrots (homemade, but still), cottage cheese, white bread (I had a medium-sized onion roll with butter), and saltine crackers (edit: and a couple of turkey/spinach meatloaf muffins I made with breadcrumbs instead of oatmeal).

By the end of the first day I felt foggy and exhausted! By the end of the second day, I was foggier, more exhausted, and achy, and I had wicked cramps, gas, and the runs, and I hadn’t even started the “prep”!

From 6 p.m. Wednesday until after the procedure today, I was on a clear-liquid only diet, which, when I looked at the list, seemed to be mostly made up of sugar-laden beverages (sure, artificial sweeteners were also on the list, but eeeww). I purchased some Pedialyte, as “sports drinks” like Gatorade were recommended to replace electrolytes (but I’ve never liked Gatorade), and in addition to that, I drank lots of water, had a couple of mugfuls of low-sodium chicken broth, a couple of cups of chamomile tea, a bowl of Jello, and a couple of popsicles.

But go figure, I felt A LOT better once the low-residue foods were out of my system…hunger wasn’t much of an issue at all.

And, as far as colonoscopy preps go (at least based on everything I’ve heard from others), it was a cakewalk. Due to my anxiety around vomiting (which usually causes me to pass out), I asked the doctor (during the initial consultation) about alternatives to the dreaded GoLytely. EVERYBODY I know who has taken it said made them nauseated and/or caused them to vomit.

He recommended OSMO Prep, which consists of 32 laxative tablets, 20 of which are to be taken the night before (four at a time, every 15 minutes), and the remainder to be taken five hours before the procedure.

I was able to go to sleep around 10:30 last night, as the tablets seemed to have finished “working.” I woke up around 2:30…got some water and “went” some more, then fell back asleep until the alarm woke me at 5:00 so I could take the rest of the pills. And as I write this, I am remembering a weird dream I had! In it, I had overslept to about 7 a.m. and tried to the take the rest of the tablets but couldn’t find them all…weird.

Anyway, I lolled around in bed reading in between “going.” I didn’t have any cramps, and the procedure itself went well (I was blissfully asleep).

What truly amazed me is how absolutely crappy I felt after eating the rather innocuous “low-residue” food. Could it have been the lack of fiber and the addition of “white” processed carbs? All I know is that most of the foods on that list are foods I rarely eat!

And what it taught me is that I want to be even more careful about what I put into my body!

Have you ever had an experience in which you drastically changed your diet, even just for a couple of days, and noticed a significant difference in how you felt?

Feeling a little loopy, but good, afterwards. I think the Propofol and Versed (which, by the way, were administered by a very handsome and kind anesthesiologist), was the best part of the whole experience!

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Fear, sadness, shame, desperation, anger…

I’ve come to view these so-called “negative” feelings as rather fascinating…not to mention how much data they can provide for me if I choose to feel them.

I had an interaction recently that triggered some old, ugly thoughts/feelings/behaviors. I found myself the next day moping around, with seemingly insatiable hunger, wanting to get stuff done but distracting myself with Facebook instead. Then I’d get up and look in the fridge or cupboard, hoping for something mind-numbingly yummy to appear.

And then I realized that I what I really needed to do was to just allow myself to be frustrated and angry…because right after the aforementioned interaction occurred? I wall all, “I’ll take the high road…I’m choosing not to go there! Lalalalala!”

So finally I just allowed myself to get angry. I did a little exercise whereby I gave my anger the voice it was asking for.

I sat down and wrote, “I’m pissed because…FUCK YOU!”

That was the first thing I wrote! And I kept writing, “I’m angry because…” and more and more stuff poured out until I finally got to the truth.

It was only then that I was able to calm down and ask myself how I wanted to feel…knowing that it’s my feelings that ultimately drive my behavior.

And no one, including myself, was harmed as a result of the anger I chose to feel.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a trillion times: it’s not about never feeling negative emotions…it’s about knowing that I have a choice, and that sometimes choosing anger is supremely necessary. When I allow myself to feel it all the way through, I can move on.

Do you give your emotions the voice they are asking for? Do you know how? The process is simple…it’s recognizing the need to do so that sometimes trips us up.

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