About
KAREN C.L. ANDERSON
Author, Coach, Facilitator
Welcome
People often assume the only thing I do is help adult daughters estrange themselves from their mothers. That is NOT the primary goal of most of my clients, although some do make that choice.
The vast majority of people who work with me cite a variety of reasons, including:
Wanting to improve the relationship they have with their mothers (or adult daughters).
Wanting to have healthy boundaries with their mothers (or adult daughters) in an effort to avoid estrangement.
Wanting to do certain things in their lives that they’re worried their mothers will disapprove of.
Wanting to do certain things in their lives but are terrified of “out shining” their mothers, while at the same time telling themselves their being ridiculous, but still not doing the thing.
Wanting to make sure they don’t pass on unhealthy patterns to their own children.
Wanting to make sure they’re not “just like” their mothers.
Wanting to navigate their role in their aging mothers’ lives.
Wanting to reduce the amount of guilt, shame, resentment, and anxiety they feel.
Wanting to be less triggered around their mothers (or adult daughters).
And I’ll tell you right now what the answer is to all of the above: unshaming everything we’ve been taught to be ashamed of. No biggie :)
My Story
I know what it's like to live with the burden of shame, terrified that flourishing means dishonoring or disobeying.
I grew up with a hypercritical mother with narcissistic traits (who grew up with a hypercritical mother with narcissistic traits) and spent years believing something about me was fundamentally broken.
Through my own healing, I discovered a path through the shame and came out joyful on the other side.
One simple, unexpected way this expresses itself is when I am silent discoing on the Niantic Bay boardwalk.
In fact, just yesterday, I was reveling in how totally alive I feel when I partake of this relatively-new-to-me activity when a thought barged in: "It's about time you figured this out...too bad it took you until your 60s."
Insert sad trombone sound here.
I nearly stopped in my tracks and said to myself, "Seriously? That's what you're going to offer me?" But I didn't want to have a full-blown argument with myself, so I simply reminded myself:
"How human of me...of course that's where my brain wants to go sometimes."
Because here's the thing: I have two identities that sit alongside each other – shame-based Pathetic Loser Eeyore who mopes through life with her head down and intentional Silent Disco Queen who expresses whatever joy wants to flow through her.
I mean, I contain multitudes, but for much of my life Eeyore was the default, while Queen was nowhere to be found until I sought her out on purpose.
As a coach and author, I help people dismantle the shame that keeps them small, navigate complex family relationships, and discover what flourishing actually feels like in their bodies.
I do this work for the three girls here: her grandmother, her mother, and herself,
all pictured at 17.
—Right now, mothers and adult daughters have a unique opportunity to examine, with love and care, where we’ve internalized that conditioning, who we’ve passed it along to, and what it looks like when we’re no longer basing our relationships on it.
My coaching practice is trauma-informed, based on intersectional feminist principles, and I have worked with people across many (but not all) intersections. I have worked with therapists, business owners, performers, coaches, executives, stay-at-home mothers, sex workers, artists, writers, equestrians, doctors, lawyers…
Why do I focus on those who find themselves in difficult mother-daughter relationships? Because of my own story, of course.
But also:
I recently saw a meme that said: “I think ppl get offended when you aren’t ashamed of things that were taught to be ashamed of. They resent you for not caring what everybody thinks.”
This doesn’t make our mothers bad people…it makes them people who learned that shaming is “protective.” A way to remain safe and connected to resources.
That ancient impulse still resides within us. It keeps us small. And powerless. And unable to create resources.
It’s likely that our mothers didn’t, or don’t, know how to process and heal shame, or even what it looks like or how it shows up in them.
We are learning a different way. And at the same time overcoming thousands of years of oppression and conditioning that tells us we’re not okay.
Credentials
Certifications & Education
Advanced Certification in Feminist Coaching (2022)
Dare To Lead Trained Professional (2020)
Healthy Boundaries for Kind People coach and facilitator (2016)
Master Certified Coach, Life Coach School (2014)
Emotional Freedom Techniques practitioner (EFT Training For Trauma, Levels I + II) (2013)
Bachelor of Arts degree in Communications from Marist College (1984)
Author
I am also the author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame; Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide For Separation, Liberation & Inspiration; The Difficult Mother-Daughter Relationship Journal; and Overcoming Creative Anxiety: Journal Prompts & Practices For Disarming Your Inner Critic.
I recognize that what’s possible personally is what’s possible collectively, and that “the Mother Wound” is not actually about mothers, but about systems that oppress all women. I understand the adage, “hurt people, hurt people,” but prefer to say “people who are unaware of their hurts sometimes hurt other people,” while also acknowledging that cultivating compassion and empathy does not mean you have to hang out with hurt people, and that healthy boundaries (up to and including going “no contact”) are at the heart of healing.
Featured
I was featured as a subject matter expert in the New York Times: Remember, It’s Okay To Set Boundaries!
In June 2020, I hosted a community project: The Mother Lode: A Conversation About Emotions, Power & Creativity. 21 powerful and creative women to joined me in answering this question: “What did your mother teach you about emotions, power, and creativity?”
Their answers were inspiring, hopeful, and as diverse as the women themselves. You can read, watch, or listen to their contributions by clicking here and entering your name and email address.
1:1 Coaching
My job is to facilitate that with as many mothers and adult daughters who want to do this brave work with me.
In coaching, we work together to create three things: safety, intentional identity, and healthy boundaries that actually work. I incorporate story-telling, journaling, awareness tools, shadow work, and simple energy and somatic practices. It’s safe, fun, and effective.